Have we finally hit bottom?

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HopeInChrist

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Hi All,

I’ve been married for only a few years now and have a toddler daughter. My husband was recently laid off and we’ve had to put all of our things into storage and move in with my parents. Over the time that we’ve been married, we’ve had so many hardships and trials that I am beginning to wonder if we’re ever going to find peace. I guess what I’m curious about is what have you all done in hardship situations to keep sane and moving forward? I do pray, but even that is coming hard for me right now. The other thing is now that we’re in the situation we’re in, I wonder how my husband and my relationship will fare. We will not have much “alone time” with which to stay focused on each other. Any suggestions for that, also?

Peace and Good,

-HopeInChrist
 
I know someone who lived a very difficult life, and things got good for a while, he had a gorgous house by a river, a playhouse for his daughters, etc. But he and his wife lost the house and had to rent after 15 years of being there due to medical bills and him taking care of his family. Things have smoothed out again and they’re in a neighborhood that they love.

They are the strongest most faithful couple I know. Their kids are grown and honerable citizens who contribute much, and they’re now grandparents.

Their cousins were spoiled and their children are annoying. Most of their cousin’s grandchildren don’t know their fathers. Its really sad.

This will bring you fortitude and strength. Its not something that is easy, but you don’t know why God has you there. Your daughter gets quality time with her grandparents…it will never be replicated or replaced.

Perhaps plan a get away for your marriage, though, so you can and keep communication open.
 
Just keep plodding along. Eventually you’ll reach the end of the troubles and the burdens will get lighter.

And if I were you, I would not watch too much television or read novels. The married families on many shows and in many novels are so unreal and beautiful and everything goes so well for them that it will discourage you. You don’t need that right now. Watch shows and read books that give you a little escape-time so that the pressure can be off you for just a little while. (You will have to decide what shows and books help you and what shows and books hurt you.)

As for away-time with your husband, good for you for recognizing how important this is! First of all, try to snatch even a few seconds as often as possible. Share a good morning or good night kiss and smile. Write each other little notes on little post-its (you probably don’t have time to write or read long notes). Make his favorite cookie once in a while, and perhaps he can bring a flower or a candy bar home for you–it’s OK if the flower is picked out of the vacant lot down the street. Try to find all the little moments during the day that you can have a quick discussion and couple-time. Even a minute of concentrating on each other is better than no time at all. (A lot of couples who have easy times don’t spend a full minute with each other.)

Second, is there anyone you can trust to watch your child for free for an hour so that you and your husband can take a walk, perhaps buy an ice cream cone at McDonald’s (cheap)? Would your parents do that? If not, try to find a friend with children, and perhaps the two of you can trade off babysitting (no money, just babysitting).

I can guarantee that WHEN you get through these hard times, you will be very strong as a couple and a family. So just keep on going. Don’t give up ever. Just one step at a time, one day at a time, one minute at a time.

And cling to ANY positive thing that you can, no matter how small it seems. A pretty day, a healthy body, an unexpected penny, a delicious sandwich, your child’s laughter, a hot shower, a cup of coffee or cold water–these are things that some people never experience, so you are lucky. Try to find all kinds of “luck” everywhere.

One book that you might enjoy reading now is Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan. Yes, there are some anti-Catholic statements in the book, but 99.9% of the book is pure Christianity that is compatible with Catholic teachings. The main character in the book suffers the loss of everything before gaining heaven. If you don’t mind the old-fashioned language, give it a try. If you’ve ever read the classic book, Little Women, you know that it is a re-telling of Pilgrim’s Progress in “modern” times. Perhaps you, too, will find it a comfort, even as Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy did.
 
Remember that no matter what your dealing with, it will pass. Soon, and perhaps sooner than you think, it will improve.

One of the better things about hitting rock bottom is that there is only one place to go after that. Up
 
Hope,

Twelve years ago I was pregnant with my 4th child in 4 years, and our financial situation deteriorated to the point we were actually homeless that summer (by that time #4 was born and a tiny newborn). To make things worse, we had gone from what seemed like living the American dream to homelessness in a very short period of time. (We weren’t TRULY homeless, as my mother took us in for that summer, thankfully).

All I can say is that as miserable as it was at the time, we became stronger people and stronger as a couple. What helped me get through that time was having a PLAN. We made a long-term plan to get out of that situation, and started slowly taking the steps to put the plan in action. It’s really what kept me sane. If you have ANY way of making a plan, even if it’s a goal that will take years to accomplish (ours did), I highly recommend it. It was so much more empowering to feel like we were doing something to get out of that situation (albeit baby steps!) than to feel victimized by our circumstances.

I like the practical advice you’ve been given as far as staying close to your husband. Try to keep an attitude of “we’re in this together, and we’ll find a way out of it together”. Avoid the blame game and be best friends to each other.

My mantra for a long time was “This, too, shall pass”. And it did. At the time it was so hard to recognize the value in what we were going through. I just resented it. But now I see what a blessing hard times can be (don’t get me wrong, I’d NEVER want to go through it all again ;)).

God bless.
 
Thank you all for your advice. You’re all right. I do know that God has a plan for all of us, and He doesn’t give any of us any more than we can handle. However, the bumps in the road, became hills which became mountains, and our faith is so strained. We know God loves us and that we should trust and pray. But like all rebellious children, I want to know His plan now! 😦 The frustration and the dissappointment (sp?) are the worst. We get set up for my husband getting a job only to be let down, over and over again.

I never have subscribed to the “Clockmaker Theory”. We wouldn’t just sit back and let our children make big mistakes we know will hurt them, so why would God? I believe that while we all have free will, God is right there gently but firmly guiding us out of trouble and danger. Sometimes, though, that hurts. Something good awaits us at the end of this road, and we will be a stronger, more resillient (sp?) family. I just need to learn patience and gratitude for the things that have gone right. Especially our beautiful, hilarious daughter. 😛
 
I don’t believe that God sets us up for a fall. But we live in a sinful world and we all suffer the consequences of that sin. God’s perfect will for each of us is beautiful, but if we stay faithful, even His permissive will is a safe place.

You do have many blessings right now–your loving husband, beautiful daughter, and a family that can help you now that times are tough. I highly encourage you to perservere in your prayer life. See if you can get to Mass during the week–even 1/2 hour prayer in front of the tabernacle! Be sure to say night prayers with your daughter and a little prayer in the morning when you start the day.

I will be praying for you also.
 
*Hi Hope;

I have been married 18 yrs now, and my husband and I ‘hit bottom,’ about 9 years ago. I had some issues to deal with from my childhood that I dragged into my marriage, and really had a hard time with marriage, back then. I think staying close to Christ is the key. Once I immersed myself into the faith, my marriage got better–MUCH better. I healed from past pains, and we were on our way to be happy again.

I don’t think there is any other advice I can offer. If there was infidelity or some type of addictive behavior going on, etc…I’d suggest to seek a counselor. But, what you’re going through is not atypical of many healthy marriages, actually. Like the weather, marriages go through seasons. I think that some seasons are sunny and filled with rainbows, others have a lot of ice and rain! So, hang in there, stay close to Christ, as He will shelter you both right now…pray for the protection of your marriage, and for an end in sight to be revealed. When we knock, He answers.

God bless!*
 
And I have to think, too, that I am blessed with a job that provides insurance and a paycheck to start saving up for a house. A yard of our own for our daughter to play in would be a wonderful blessing to come out of all of this!
 
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