I often think that God gives us enough grace to endure whatever bad things He allows to happen to us. And that is true for you as well for as bad as it all was, you are here, you are engaging people in a discussion and from what little I’ve read of your post you still love God.
I think of Jesus when He agonized in the garden and how alone He must have felt.
What you suffered will seem senseless without Christ. Only Christ makes sense of our suffering.
The first time I read Footprints on the Sand I cried. And every time I go through a trial I try to remind myself of this because I know that what this says is true even though ti doesn’t feel like so at the time. And this is what helps me to cling to God and to keep trusting.
If we truly believe that God is God then He does not need to give us any explanation as to why this and that is happening to us.
But if we are faithful, then God does give us the answer, but not in our time but in His time.
I think this is what we need to live with, the poverty of answers. A friend of mine told me that she will be able to accept her child’s illness if God will only explain why. But I thought, God does not owe us any explanation. He is God.
And in the book of Job we see this response. God does not explain. Instead He gives Job a tour of creation. And I think what we need to pray for is to be like Job in humility so that we also can say “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh, blessed be the Lord”.
We also need to remember that there is no situation, no suffering so terrible that God cannot use to mold us into the image of His Son. And in the end that is all that matters, that we be made into the image of His Son.
Perhaps instead of praying for answers or praying for a reason to understand why, we can pray to learn to accept without needing to know why.
I am afraid of suffering and I actually told God so.

For a long while I dreaded having to undergo what others I know have gone through and yet at the same time felt rather guilty that it was happening to them and not me.
Then a few years ago my prayer changed. From asking to have not to suffer, it became a plea to never ever lose faith in the face of any suffering that He deems in His wisdom I must endure. For I realized that the important thing is that, that we never ever stop clinging to God.