Having difficulties in my marriage

[Loveisagift]

Hi all, I’m in need of advice and consolation. This has been heavy In my heart and since confession is limited right now because of Covid, I feel the need to let this out. Before I married my husband I found out he was unfaithful to me while we dated and while we were engaged. I never once looked through his phone and one day I decided to go through it and I found so many messages to different women, inappropriate messages and inappropriate pictures of women. My heart was crushed to a million pieces, I was shaking as I read each message. It hurt me so much because we were “being chaste” in our relationship because we wanted to do what God wanted us to do. He was even an alter server and he converted me to become Catholic so we would go to Catechism together. This is why it hurt me so much because I trusted him with my heart and my whole being. I didn’t know he was anymore when I saw what I saw. 6 years of dating and the first time I ever looked through his phone. After finding out he was unfaithful I gave him my engagement ring back and told him he wasn’t ready to get married. I took him to adoration to pray and ask God to help him and I needed help too from the pain. We prayed together and he had promised God he would never hurt me again. After about two months I forgave him and he asked me to marry him again… and I did. I forgave him because I thought his unfaithfulness was partly my fault for being chaste and because I wouldn’t make him feel good about himself (self esteem). Fast forward to four years of marriage we are struggling. I don’t know if I still have anger towards him… I thought I had forgave him but I still think about what he did and I’m not sure if I have full confidence in him. I feel so stupid for forgiving him in the first place, what if God gave me a sign to leave him and I didn’t listen to him. Now I’m struggling so much in my marriage. We have two precious children and they don’t deserve to see their parents unhappy or hear arguing. I don’t know what to do or think. Was my marriage valid to begin with? I’m so lost. I feel so dumb, anyone would’ve left When they had the chance but I stayed. I never felt so unsure of myself and so lost.

 

[Irishmom2]

Fast forward to four years of marriage we are struggling. I don’t know if I still have anger towards him… I thought I had forgave him but I still think about what he did

I am sorry you are struggling. I would suggest you get professional counseling to help you deal with what you are feeling toward your husband. It may help your marriage.

As you said, your children don’t deserve to grow up with unhappy parents, so take steps toward forgiving and trusting your husband. I think this may be a big cause of the troubles you are experiencing in your marriage. Please do not jump to thoughts of divorce, or whether your marriage was valid. No one here can tell you that definitively, and you need to try and work on your relationship with your husband. It does no good to look back at this point and wonder “what if.”

 

[1ke]

Now I’m struggling so much in my marriage. We have two precious children and they don’t deserve to see their parents unhappy or hear arguing. I don’t know what to do or think. Was my marriage valid to begin with? I’m so lost. I feel so dumb, anyone would’ve left When they had the chance but I stayed. I never felt so unsure of myself and so lost.

Please get counseling for yourself and together with your husband. Look at Retrouvaille, which is a Catholic program for troubled marriages.

He was wrong to do the things he did while you were engaged. He damaged your trust, and he has to own that. You probably shouldn’t have moved so quickly back to engagement and marriage, as it takes time to rebuild trust.

You don’t mention any inappropriate behavior on his part since he recommitted to your relationship. But it does sound like you have retained suspicion and lack of trust.

You two need to work through unresolved hurt and anger, trust, and other communication issues in your marriage.

 

[Irishmom2]

…All the arguing and anger just makes me feel like I made a mistake for forgiving him.

That’s why you need to get counseling for yourself, to deal with your anger and stop arguing.

You say he has not been in faithful since you got married, and yet you are still punishing him for what he did by being angry and distrustful.

You can turn this around, it’s not too late.

 

[Loveisagift]

Yes that’s true. Thank you so much for your advice. I feel much better now just by your words. I will talk to him today to see if we can seek counseling.

 

[Irishmom2]

If he doesn’t go, get some individual counseling, it will help you.

 

[1ke]

All the arguing and anger just makes me feel like I made a mistake for forgiving him.

Well you have to meet him halfway, it doesn’t sound like you actually did forgive him. You need to let it go and stop punishing him for it.

Individual and couples counseling should be a priority.

 

[Legend]

Sounds like he may have a problem with pornography. You say he keeps pictures of ‘partially naked women’. You definitely need counseling. So does he. And you should tell him that such pictures, however well concealed, should not be kept in your home. You haven’t said how old your Kids are…but you KNOW they’re not growing younger. Protect them from this!!!

 

[1ke]

Sounds like he may have a problem with pornography. You say he keeps pictures of ‘partially naked women’.

No, she didn’t say that.

 

[Irishmom2]

No, she said he could be looking at them, because she saw them on his phone before they married.

Furthermore, all of her anger and distrust only comes from the photos and texts she saw, she stated that

“I don’t know if he committed any inappropriate behavior with someone else while we were dating it was just a bunch of Inappropriate texts and pictures. “

 

[Legend]

Sorry if that’s true. But, somehow she saw them.

I still think she should keep her eyes open. I won’t mention it here again.

 

[Irishmom2]

Everyone needs to keep their eyes open, but she has been letting something that didn’t actually happen and what could happen in her imagination poison the marriage. That’s why I suggested separate counseling. I still think it is not too late for their marriage. There is real hope if the issues are addressed by both of them.

 

[1ke]

But, somehow she saw them.

“Somehow”? She looked at his texts without his knowledge or permission.

Doesn’t change the wrongness of what he did, but snooping in his phone wasn’t right either.

 

[Loveisagift]

I dated him for six years and one day I thought I would look through his phone for the first time. I saw what I saw for a reason after all those years. What if I never discovered it? He probably wouldve continued what he was doing behind my back or worse. I found out so maybe he can change his ways. Honestly There’s nothing wrong with someone going through someone’s phone if there’s nothing to hide

 

[Loveisagift]

Thank you I agree with you. Anyone can fall into temptation and sin

 

[Loveisagift]

Thank you, you are listening and you totally get me

 

[1ke]

There’s nothing wrong with someone going through someone’s phone if there’s nothing to hide

Yes, there is.

There are other ways to handle it, mutual accountability and permission to view each other’s devices, shares social media accounts, accountability software, and more.

 

[Loveisagift]

He doesn’t keep pictures of naked women… that was when we were dating… he had pics from different women.

 

[Loveisagift]

That’s actually what we do. We share a Facebook And I Have the password to his phone and he has mine. I also can see his location at all times… this was all because of what he did when we were engaged to regain my trust which has helped a lot

 

[fhansen]

Hi all, I’m in need of advice and consolation. This has been heavy In my heart and since confession is limited right now because of Covid, I feel the need to let this out. Before I married my husband I found out he was unfaithful to me while we dated and while we were engaged. I never once looked through his phone and one day I decided to go through it and I found so many messages to different women, inappropriate messages and inappropriate pictures of women. My heart was crushed to a million pieces, I was shaking as I read each message. It hurt me so much because we were “being chaste” in our relationship because we wanted to do what God wanted us to do. He was even an alter server and he converted me to become Catholic so we would go to Catechism together. This is why it hurt me so much because I trusted him with my heart and my whole being. I didn’t know he was anymore when I saw what I saw. 6 years of dating and the first time I ever looked through his phone. After finding out he was unfaithful I gave him my engagement ring back and told him he wasn’t ready to get married. I took him to adoration to pray and ask God to help him and I needed help too from the pain. We prayed together and he had promised God he would never hurt me again. After about two months I forgave him and he asked me to marry him again… and I did. I forgave him because I thought his unfaithfulness was partly my fault for being chaste and because I wouldn’t make him feel good about himself (self esteem). Fast forward to four years of marriage we are struggling. I don’t know if I still have anger towards him… I thought I had forgave him but I still think about what he did and I’m not sure if I have full confidence in him. I feel so stupid for forgiving him in the first place, what if God gave me a sign to leave him and I didn’t listen to him. Now I’m struggling so much in my marriage. We have two precious children and they don’t deserve to see their parents unhappy or hear arguing. I don’t know what to do or think. Was my marriage valid to begin with? I’m so lost. I feel so dumb, anyone would’ve left When they had the chance but I stayed. I never felt so unsure of myself and so lost.

It’s never dumb to forgive- its a beautiful and often rare thing among us humans. But unless the other person genuinely changes our forgiveness does little good. It sounds as if he may have made a real change, but that you’re still harboring unforgiveness after all? If he’s changed then you’ll do both of yourselves a favor by letting it go now, even while knowing that it could still possibly backfire in the future. Let it go; forgive and love. That’s what produces change and that’s the model we have in Christ. Put the negative thoughts aside; work on that, and pray for help to succeed.