Having trouble with husband and MIL

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lily20

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I’ve posted here so many times, and yes, I am going to confession today to get some help.

My husband loves his mom so much, they share a lot and he tells her a lot, and also she is always talking to him or trying to talk to him via email or phone several times a day. She constantly is asking information about every aspect of our life, including where specific furniture will go in our house, sometimes before I even get a chance to talk to my husband.

I am very tired of my MIL “butting” into things and my husband has no problem with it. He gets angry when I do not want her around or say that I don’t want her meddling.

My only thought now is to remove myself from the situation and let him have what he needs with her. He says now that I am trying to “separate” him from her and that stresses him out a LOT. He yells about me “attacking his family.”

I am tired of this immature behavior from my husband. I thought about moving out today again, except then it would really inhibit my husband from growing up as he would probably move back in with her, and we have a son.

I have no control over what he does, but really, is there a way I can keep my boundaries here? Must I just accept that my husband has a close and strange relationship with his mom?

Also I might add that she “channels spirits” as a practice. This is another thing that really bothers me and makes me not want her energy in our home.

Thanks,
Lily
 
Hi Lily,

How often does mom in law visit your house? If she just writes or calls her son, try not to meddle so much in their relationship. Pretend you don´t care. Don´t even ask anything about his family. If he tells you something about his mother, just listen and don´t add anything. Just let him be, while you focus yourself on trying to be a good wife by putting delicious food on the table, making sure the house is clean all the time, taking care of your son etc… If the mother suggests how to arrange the furniture to his son, just listen and pretend not to be bothered by it, eventually you will do what you want with the arragnement or the decoration because it is your house. As hard as it may seem, try to stay away by not talking about them, by pretending not to care. Hopefully your husband will come into his senses and realize that he has a family now and his priority should be with his family not with his parents. This being said, always show respect to your in laws even if you don´t like them. Never ever talk bad about them to your husband. Just don´t talk about them at all and focus your life in your own family.

Hope this help. God bless you.
 
lily20 said:
I’ve posted here so many times, and yes, I am going to confession today to get some help.

My husband loves his mom so much, they share a lot and he tells her a lot, and also she is always talking to him or trying to talk to him via email or phone several times a day. She constantly is asking information about every aspect of our life, including where specific furniture will go in our house, sometimes before I even get a chance to talk to my husband.

I am very tired of my MIL “butting” into things and my husband has no problem with it. He gets angry when I do not want her around or say that I don’t want her meddling.

My only thought now is to remove myself from the situation and let him have what he needs with her. He says now that I am trying to “separate” him from her and that stresses him out a LOT. He yells about me “attacking his family.”

I am tired of this immature behavior from my husband. I thought about moving out today again, except then it would really inhibit my husband from growing up as he would probably move back in with her, and we have a son.

I have no control over what he does, but really, is there a way I can keep my boundaries here? Must I just accept that my husband has a close and strange relationship with his mom?

Also I might add that she “channels spirits” as a practice. This is another thing that really bothers me and makes me not want her energy in our home.

Thanks,
Lily
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Sounds like a…(wait for it…) BOUNDARY PROBLEM! It is OK for a son to be close with his mother…at a season in his life…As he grows up, he moves farther away from Mommy and begins to become a man…Your husband seems to be stuck at the little boy stage…where everything he does is run by his Mommy first and if it doesn’t meet with her approval, he doesn’t do it. Some mothers are overbearing, some sons are passive, sometimes both, and this is what happens. It is almost as though your husband is actually married to his mother instead of you. Sometimes the son is afraid of the mother’s reaction if he pays no attention to her.

So if you have married a little boy, you are going to have your MIL as a third party in your marriage. I frankly do not know how one can cause a man like this to grow up and separate from his mother. It is a stage he has not completed, though. And he will never be truly YOUR husband until he gets some freedom from being tied to Mommy’s apron strings.

I would recommend marital counseling. If your husband refuses to go (his mother will probably tell him that HE has no problems, that YOU are the one with problems), then YOU go, and get help to deal with the situation. Even if you don’t go together, you will still need somewhere to go and talk about your marriage, and find solutions for yourself. Catholic Charities has licensed social workers who are very helpful and they work on a sliding income scale.

God bless you. This is a tough situation to be in.
 
God bless you, you poor woman!!!

It sounds like he is making you out to be the one out of line here and any normal person can see that this behavior is a little nutty! The only thing I can think of would be to have him hear others opinions on the situation. Right now, he doesn’t seem to think any lines are being crossed, but if a priest or a therapist or trusted friends could weigh in, he might come to see the dysfunction. Is that a possibility?
 
lily20 said:
“…and yes, I am going to confession today to get some help…”
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You’re describing issues that ask for pastoral counselling more than a Q & A in the context of the confessional.

These are not at all the same thing! Make an appointment to see your pastor for pastoral counselling. He will probably feel that half an hour is enough to start, and to get his advice on strategies you might use, what kind of more in-depth help might be in order, and from whom. (That is, it might be from him and it might be from someone else.)
 
Aww, thanks but my husband doesn’t respect authority and he is a therapist, so he only trusts his own (elevated) opinions, and that of his mother, who (claims) to be a “medium”/therapist.

Just to give you an example, he was very angry after Easter services this year because of the priest’s homily. So he definitely would not respect anyone who I would respect to have a solid opinion.
It sounds like he is making you out to be the one out of line here and any normal person >can see that this behavior is a little nutty! The only thing I can think of would be to have >him hear others opinions on the situation. Right now, he doesn’t seem to think any lines are >being crossed, but if a priest or a therapist or trusted friends could weigh in, he might come t>o see the dysfunction. Is that a possibility?
Click to expand...
 
I would be in much trouble for sending my husband this article. He thinks I am the issue not him or his mother.
 
lily20 said:
Aww, thanks but my husband doesn’t respect authority and he is a therapist, so he only trusts his own (elevated) opinions, and that of his mother, who (claims) to be a “medium”/therapist.
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There is a saying in medical schools that “any physician who treats himself has an idiot for a doctor and a fool for a patient.” I am sure there is a similar saying among psychologists.

I guess I would suggest reading “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” or “Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage”, by John Gottman et al. Libraries tend to have them. It will help you to notice and articulate where your communication with your husband is going off the rails. I think that both that knowledge and the language for articulating what you’re seeing in your relationship with your husband will help you. After all, this is far more about you and your husband than about your husband and his mother.
 
NFP1Kate said:
Read this article…Blow Up Your Relationship with Your Mother

artofmanliness.com/2011/01/12/blow-up-your-relationship-with-your-mother-and-get-one-step-closer-to-being-the-man-you-want-to-be/

The title is shocking, but I really appreciated it when I had MIL troubles. My husband found it and we thought it was pretty accurate. And pretty funny.

It’s on my short must-read list.
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Oh my gosh, this is the best website I have seen in a long time. Interesting to read even for women. 👍 Thanks for posting the link!
 
lily20 said:
Aww, thanks but my husband doesn’t respect authority and he is a therapist, so he only trusts his own (elevated) opinions, and that of his mother, who (claims) to be a “medium”/therapist.

Just to give you an example, he was very angry after Easter services this year because of the priest’s homily. So he definitely would not respect anyone who I would respect to have a solid opinion.
It sounds like he is making you out to be the one out of line here and any normal person >can see that this behavior is a little nutty! The only thing I can think of would be to have >him hear others opinions on the situation. Right now, he doesn’t seem to think any lines are >being crossed, but if a priest or a therapist or trusted friends could weigh in, he might come t>o see the dysfunction. Is that a possibility?
Click to expand...
I think you should see someone for your own sake. It has helped me a LOT. My husband is resistant to therapy and he also believes the problem is mostly me. I no longer care whose problem it is. I only know I gain a lot of insight into my own life when I go to my counseling sessions.
Click to expand...
 
Thanks for the suggestion.

Well, I went to confession and then I told my husband I’m ok with his relationship with his mom, as strange as it is, but that I don’t want to have to answer to her directly or have to talk about my personal things with her. So that seemed to work. I think the boundary crossing for me was when she starting nosing into my personal stuff too much, directly. It still bugs me when she does it to my husband, but he seems to think it’s completely normal so I just am thinking, well, ok if that’s the way he wants to live, as long as I don’t have to deal with it directly (because it drives me bonkers) and he is ok with that, then so be it. If she tells him how to do everything and he can still function, then so be it.

So that is how it all ended. And I feel better. I’m sure she’ll cross the line again and again, every day, and that my husband will end up telling her things that I don’t want her to make decisions on, but now that I know that I don’t have to answer to her.

It’s not a miracle but it’s becoming manageable.
 
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