He is the better half...and I feel inadequate

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CatolicaEveM

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My husband and I are about to complete 10 yrs of marriage. We have 6 kids. Like any couple we have had our ups and downs. He works full time and I stay home. Lately, I have had a hard time being purely thankful for the man God gave me. He is intelligent, he is a devout Catholic, and a loving dad. He has been reading alot over the years because he has the time at work to do so and has been gaining knowledge. I have NO time to read…with my young kids all day its hard. I feel dumb talking to him.

Next, he helps out in Church, sometimes evenings, sometimes weekends. Again, I stay home with our kids.

We haven’t been able to have any dates or go out with other friends. He, however, has coffee dates with his adult Godson and his godsons girlfriend. I am feeling left out. I feel our bond as a married couple is weakening.

I have talked to him about these issues and he doesnt understand why I am bothered because technically he isnt doing anything morally wrong. He works that way. If he sees nothing wrong, then he wont change.

So, I would like your opinions. If I am just being immature, please say so. I cant shake off this sadness and confusion. Thank you.
 
CatolicaEveM said:
I have talked to him about these issues and he doesnt understand why I am bothered because technically he isnt doing anything morally wrong. He works that way. If he sees nothing wrong, then he wont change.
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I am not married, so please take that into consideration.

He is doing something wrong – he is not being respectful or receptive of your needs and reasonable desires. There also seems to be an inappropriate balance of responsibilities in the home. Both of these are unacceptable. So without knowing any details, his excuse is not even valid!
 
EveM,

I do not think that you are over reacting. Maybe you can try to suggest that he ask his adult Godson and his girlfriend watch the kids for just a few hours – if you feel comfortable with that. And just spend that time together: dinner out, a movie, or just a walk together to help reconnect and have some quality time together. It will do you both good, he can get away from all other distractions, and you can get away from the kids 😃 . Even if it is for just a little bit and maybe try to schedule something each month like that.

I will pray that God grants you peace.

Winter
 
Baelor said:
I am not married, so please take that into consideration.

He is doing something wrong – he is not being respectful or receptive of your needs and reasonable desires. There also seems to be an inappropriate balance of responsibilities in the home. Both of these are unacceptable. So without knowing any details, his excuse is not even valid!
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On top of that, the in marriage a man and a woman are to become “one flesh”… and that means more than just the marital act! It means that they both honor each other and present the image of a married couple.

If the husband leaves his wife at home, does not make any sort of arrangement for her and him to socialize or work in the church together, and does not involve her in his day to day life, then he is not behaving as a husband to her!
 
Your husband does not need to hold himself back for the sake of your ego. What he does need to do is reassure you that you are smart, talented, etc and make sure that like him you have opportunities to expand and learn. (And get out of the house to spend some time with adults!) Either he needs to stay home more to do this or its time to get a babysitter.

Also it might help your self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy to get at least a part-time job to get out of the house and feel like you’re accomplishing something.
 
Husband here. You are not being immature, rather the contrary. Perhaps discuss a schedule where he is in charge of the kids for a certain period of time that you can use to re-charge, whether that is adoration, reading, or just sitting in the bath! While the things he is doing are not per se wrong, not spending time with his WIFE who is also working all day with the kids is wrong as practiced. Is there money for a babysitter for a date for the two of you? Rhetorical question, of course, no need to answer online.
 
Firstly, you have to take time for yourself, and that means he needs to give you an evening off away from the kids, and you need to tell him you need it. Even if he does spend time with you, if either of you feel it’s forced, you won’t enjoy it. Take some time for yourself and pursue an interest of your own. Make it a regular thing, an appointment you must keep. A weekly hour of adoration is a good start, and if your husband is devout, then he shouldn’t be able to refuse you that. If he does, then that should be a big warning sign.

Also, you should consider taking this to your parish priest. Make an appointment with him and see what he advises. He may ask to speak with you and your husband together. Your husband needs to put his marriage as a top priority, and it sounds as if he’s ignoring you.

My spiritual director recently counseled me that feelings of inadequacy actually can indicate a lack of humility. You can’t do everything all by yourself, you’re not superwoman, and can’t expect yourself to be.

Consider making a retreat. Your location says you’re in Southern Californina, so maybe you’re not too far from Mater Dolorosa Passionist Retreat Center A weekend retreat is something every mother needs to do at least once a year, but most don’t.

Take yourself seriously first, then demand that he do so as well. He is NOT the better half, not by a long shot. Pay attention to yourself. If you don’t, then why should he? Too many moms put everyone else’s needs ahead of their own. You’re going to crash and burn that way, and that’s no good for anyone. Self care is an absolute necessity. Don’t ask him for it, tell him it’s going to happen and he needs to step up.

It’s possible that a little self assertion may be just the thing to spark his interest in you.
 
By principle, he has to respond to your needs, your wishes and to be with you…before helping the Church, being with friends, going out with his Godson and the girlfriend of his Godson. You should be the center of his life: it is his moral obligation. You are first, of course.

Conjugal charity toward you (his wife, his lover, the mother of his kids). He has to help you at home, to be with you… and / or to replace you for giving you time of going out with your friends and family. He has to take in consideration your reasonable wills, your needs, your hopes, your feelings, your desires…etc.

He has a moral obligation to take care of you, the be your helper, your soul mate, your doctor, your nurse…etc.

BE CAREFUL WITH **THE FALSE DEVOTIONS **(HELP THE CHURCH), YOU ARE FIRST, IT IS A MORAL OBLIGATION IN THE MARRIAGE.
 
You need a regular Date Night. Go to a movie, go bowling, do something where you two get to talk about something besidesthe kids, the house, waht the dog did, etc.

And he should get a taste of being Mister Mom once in a while. Let him herd 6 kids for an hour or two while you get a manicure and pedicure or just get a book and sit at a coffeehouse and read.

Just send the link to this thread to him.
 
You are not overreacting. Everyone needs some balance in life. You deserve to have some time to read, socialize, and develop your interests just like he does. As your husband, he should be concerned when you feel a need for balance and he should support this desire to learn and grow as a person.
 
Thank you all. I love Winters idea about having my husbands Godson and gf babysit for us!
 
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