M
marykate2
Guest
There are a lot of postings here on healing from break ups, and it seems like most people move on relatively quickly and peacefully. That isn’t my experience at all. I was hoping someone here might have some insight into my situation.
About a year ago a relationship I was in ended. We had dated about a year and half and I thought we were both serious and marriage-minded about each other. It all started rather unexpectedly and perfectly: we met at church, where he was employed by the parish. We got to know each other slowly through friendship over a period of months before we started dating. I really grew to love him deeply, but his behavior was all over the place: he was attentive and delightful in private, but publicly around the parish he barely acknowledged my existence (he said it was because he wanted to maintain a separation between his private and work lives). He only introduced me to his parents in passing, and I barely met his friends. He would drop contact or give me the silent treatment without warning. He was never verbally mean, but would switch between being warm and affectionate to being cold and unfeeling. He didn’t seem to have any capacity for empathy or consideration for my feelings, so if I tried to say “this is hurtful”, the conversation always ended with me apologizing because I would feel like I was the one with the problem. He refused to go to daily Mass with me (we would be at the same Mass in different pews), and he told me the reason was because he was always “on” during Mass (he’s a choir director) so at daily Mass he just wanted to be alone. But when I would try to address this with him, he insisted he was serious and thinking about marriage, and then he would offer something (a weekend trip away, etc), that gave me hope that things would indeed straighten out. Right at the same time I was returning to school and changing careers, and he was going through a really busy time in his career, and I thought that we were both just waiting for things to slow down so we could focus on growing closer. In short, I grew to love and trust the person I met early on in the relationship, and I ignored the red flags and puzzling behavior. I believed the public image of him as a devout and traditional Catholic, that I was certain that he must be dating with sincerity and honesty. And we were both in our 30s and by that time, I figured we were past casual dating. I was really very foolish. Once the heart is engaged, it is so hard to disengage it.
We broke up a year ago, and I have spent the past year in prayer and therapy to heal. It’s been very very hard, but slowly I have been regaining peace. He has reached out via text and email occasionally this past year, and in November he asked to speak with me. We met for a drink just before Christmas, and he announced he had started seeing someone right after we broke up, and this was someone he had been interested in/in contact with for 5 years, but because she lived in another country, dating never worked out. Anyhow, he is engaged to her now.
Hearing this ripped open the wound again. He said he was telling me in person to be considerate but it just felt cruel. I had left the parish and disassociated with mutual friends when we broke up. And to hear that there was this woman he was in contact with while we were dating made his behavior during that time, more logical. He was using me to pass the time while his interest lay elsewhere. But where is God in this? It feels so unjust that I was sincere in my efforts with him, and I have spent the past year healing a broken heart, while he was lying to me and never truly invested himself, and moved on immediately and is now engaged. And then there are the questions in my mind of “does he treat her well?” Does he take her to Mass and home to meet his parents? Does he blame her for everything when something goes wrong, or does he love her enough that he accepts responsibility? I feel like such a failure, like everything that went wrong in our relationship must be because of me, and that my perceptions of our time are off base.
Another piece of this is what has happened in my life this past year. I went back to school for nursing, and graduated with honors. I just received a job offer to one of the most prestigious hospitals in the country. I see how God held me up over the past year and sustained me through school. I went on one job interview and was offered a job on the spot. My friends from school have not been so lucky. I am grateful and relieved, but feel guilty that I don’t feel more gratitude and excitement. Why is God so present in my life professionally but not personally? I have two bachelors degrees and a masters degree, but honestly, my heart is in a home, caring for a husband and family. I only care to work to support that home. I am fearful God is telling me he intends me to be single. I was 33 when I met my ex. I am 36 now and feel like I threw away my last years with him.
About a year ago a relationship I was in ended. We had dated about a year and half and I thought we were both serious and marriage-minded about each other. It all started rather unexpectedly and perfectly: we met at church, where he was employed by the parish. We got to know each other slowly through friendship over a period of months before we started dating. I really grew to love him deeply, but his behavior was all over the place: he was attentive and delightful in private, but publicly around the parish he barely acknowledged my existence (he said it was because he wanted to maintain a separation between his private and work lives). He only introduced me to his parents in passing, and I barely met his friends. He would drop contact or give me the silent treatment without warning. He was never verbally mean, but would switch between being warm and affectionate to being cold and unfeeling. He didn’t seem to have any capacity for empathy or consideration for my feelings, so if I tried to say “this is hurtful”, the conversation always ended with me apologizing because I would feel like I was the one with the problem. He refused to go to daily Mass with me (we would be at the same Mass in different pews), and he told me the reason was because he was always “on” during Mass (he’s a choir director) so at daily Mass he just wanted to be alone. But when I would try to address this with him, he insisted he was serious and thinking about marriage, and then he would offer something (a weekend trip away, etc), that gave me hope that things would indeed straighten out. Right at the same time I was returning to school and changing careers, and he was going through a really busy time in his career, and I thought that we were both just waiting for things to slow down so we could focus on growing closer. In short, I grew to love and trust the person I met early on in the relationship, and I ignored the red flags and puzzling behavior. I believed the public image of him as a devout and traditional Catholic, that I was certain that he must be dating with sincerity and honesty. And we were both in our 30s and by that time, I figured we were past casual dating. I was really very foolish. Once the heart is engaged, it is so hard to disengage it.
We broke up a year ago, and I have spent the past year in prayer and therapy to heal. It’s been very very hard, but slowly I have been regaining peace. He has reached out via text and email occasionally this past year, and in November he asked to speak with me. We met for a drink just before Christmas, and he announced he had started seeing someone right after we broke up, and this was someone he had been interested in/in contact with for 5 years, but because she lived in another country, dating never worked out. Anyhow, he is engaged to her now.
Hearing this ripped open the wound again. He said he was telling me in person to be considerate but it just felt cruel. I had left the parish and disassociated with mutual friends when we broke up. And to hear that there was this woman he was in contact with while we were dating made his behavior during that time, more logical. He was using me to pass the time while his interest lay elsewhere. But where is God in this? It feels so unjust that I was sincere in my efforts with him, and I have spent the past year healing a broken heart, while he was lying to me and never truly invested himself, and moved on immediately and is now engaged. And then there are the questions in my mind of “does he treat her well?” Does he take her to Mass and home to meet his parents? Does he blame her for everything when something goes wrong, or does he love her enough that he accepts responsibility? I feel like such a failure, like everything that went wrong in our relationship must be because of me, and that my perceptions of our time are off base.
Another piece of this is what has happened in my life this past year. I went back to school for nursing, and graduated with honors. I just received a job offer to one of the most prestigious hospitals in the country. I see how God held me up over the past year and sustained me through school. I went on one job interview and was offered a job on the spot. My friends from school have not been so lucky. I am grateful and relieved, but feel guilty that I don’t feel more gratitude and excitement. Why is God so present in my life professionally but not personally? I have two bachelors degrees and a masters degree, but honestly, my heart is in a home, caring for a husband and family. I only care to work to support that home. I am fearful God is telling me he intends me to be single. I was 33 when I met my ex. I am 36 now and feel like I threw away my last years with him.
Your journey is your own – no one else’s.