Health Anxiety and Boundaries With Others

[CatholicJewelry]

I have an acquaintance, a woman from my neighborhood that I recently saw a few times at my son’s baseball games. She is a lovely woman, very faith-filled and is sadly sick with cancer. The cancer began in the breasts and has spread…The few times I saw her I was filled with compassion as her journey and struggle with cancer is one no one wants to go down. Baseball season ended and while we live in the same neighborhood we don’t see one another at all. She began emailing me scriptures which was very kind, I would reciprocate with gratitude and a thoughtful message. The emails have become more frequent, and now I’m receiving several a day. So many in fact, that I’m having a tough time addressing them all as I run a jewelry business at home. Throughout her emails she disclosed that despite a new drug and fervent prayer, her cancer has traveled to her bones. I am wrecked for her. I struggle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, am being treated by a neurologist to help control the anxiety that in turn causes debilitating migraines and vertigo. Her health struggles are incredibly upsetting on so many levels. Not only am I devastated for her as a woman and a mom, but to be so deep in prayer and believing the Lord for a healing only to find you are getting sicker and sicker is just beyond words. I am triggered by stories of sickness and when they happen to people I know and care for I am especially triggered with intense anxiety and sadness. Today, more emails came through and she’s asked for my cell number. I gave it to her, couldn’t bring myself to put up a boundary. I don’t know her well, just from the neighborhood but could not bring myself to say no or to not comply with her request. I want to continue my prayers for her of course, but I’m wondering how to navigate through the messages, texts, phone calls that are to come all the while I struggle with health and anxiety issues myself. I just feel so incredibly bad for her but know I have to set boundaries otherwise I will fall into a pit of depression anxious thoughts and obsessive thoughts regarding my own health and the health of my husband and children. Does anyone have any sound advice as to how to deal with this very sensitive situation? Thank you!

 

[DeniseNY]

What a sad situation. I’ll keep you both in my prayers.

I don’t think you must answer every email or text. If you get several a day (or week), you could just write back one response like “hi. got your messages. Work is really busy, so it’s difficult to respond, but you are in my daily prayers”.

Does she have any family? It sounds like she’s lonely. And while that’s a tough situation to be in, you have to take care of your own health and well-being. How much contact are you comfortable with?

 

[CatholicJewelry]

Hello DeniseNY. She does have family, two sons and a husband. She has extended family as well. She is a beloved member of our community and a lovely woman. When she told me today that her cancer has spread I could feel my whole being just seize with fear as I am a woman over 40, with children and a loving husband, and in many ways SO much to lose if I ever fell ill. What she is enduring is every woman’s nightmare, I truly cannot comprehend how she is enduring these awful test results…The only thing that brings me comfort is that her sister and mother were also touched by breast cancer and I’m not entirely sure if her mom is alive, but I know her sister can understand the range of emotions. It’s tough to answer how much contact I’m comfortable with…We don’t know one another other than the few games we were at this past baseball season. She’s familiar with my husband who is a coach for the village we live in and it’s a hello, how are you type of thing. So…I’m not really sure what would be normal. She’s been emailing daily and multiple times during the day the last several months but now baseball season is over and we’re not running into each other…I’m not sure what is healthy and reasonable to be honest…I just feel so incredibly bad about her situation. Yet another person that is on my prayer list who is sick. I truly appreciate your response. Such lovely people here on this forum site. It’s very refreshing in such a cruel and godless world. God is very much alive in the hearts of those who love Him. xoxo

 

[Greenfields]

Hello Catholic Jewelry, I can pray for you and this lady.Perhaps you could post in Prayer Intentions ?God bless.

 

[CatholicJewelry]

Thank you Greenfields. Have a blessed weekend.

 

[angel12]

I’m not sure what is healthy and reasonable to be honest

I think DeniseNY gave some excellent advice. There wouldn’t be anything wrong with not replying to each individual message she sends. You want to be kind to her, but you also have to take care of yourself. Perhaps you could discuss it with the doctor who is treating your anxiety disorder?

 

[ShowersofRoses]

I agree…do not feel the need to answer or even read all those emails. If they are stressing you out, you can have them sent to a folder just for her or just delete them. Multiple times a day is incredibly over-zealous, even for someone you know well.

If you want, you can skim them quickly, but don’t feel obligated, especially with your anxiety issues. I’m sure she wouldn’t want to stress you out, either. Perhaps she’s sendng out all these emails on a big group list and she just added you to it.

It’s wonderful to keep praying for her, but I think you should bring it up with your therapist and ask his/her advice. They will better understand what you can handle.

If she does send multiple texts or calls, maybe you will need to block her number, or maybe you’ll be able to ignore the majority of the texts/calls. Your therapist will know best how you should handle this. But beyond praying for her, you’re not obligated to make yourself sick over her situation, even though it is so incredibly sad.

 

[CatholicJewelry]

Such beautiful well thought out advice from all of you! I am so thankful for your wisdom and for taking the time to share such great advice. So far, nothing today, no emails or texts…but I will keep all of your tips in mind if things start to spiral again.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

i would suggest you send the e-mails to a filter and respond once or twice a week. Same for the phone calls and texts, put on a block or send them straight to VM. If she has a husband, children and an extended family as well as a friend network, she is not lonely.

It’s been my experience that some people just really need to talk about their cancer or even feel it is important that they do so because of the stigma with cancer in the past when people used to not talk about it. I have friends who have emphasized the need to talk about cancer or other tragedies. They don’t understand that some of us don’t find it helpful to talk about this stuff and may even need to set boundaries in order to avoid being upset by too much of it. It’s not that we think cancer is shameful or that we don’t feel terrible for the person who has it, but like you, we may be dealing with other things in our own lives and have a limited capacity to be hearing daily about the illness or problems of another person who is not a member of our close family or close friend circle.

Also, when someone is very sick their mental ability to understand that someone might want to set a boundary can be affected. They are in pain and not thinking straight. I doubt if this lady was well she would be bombarding people with communications.

You might let this lady know in a gentle way that you are now under doctor’s care yourself (you don’t have to say for what) and because of that you need to limit your e-mail and phone time as your doctor needs you to rest more and step away from communications.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

There wouldn’t be anything wrong with not replying to each individual message she sends.

She may not even be expecting a response to each and every e-mail.
She may be using her e-mail like a blog and just “posting her thoughts”.
It would be better if she’d just get a blog, but it’s probably too late in the game to suggest that.

 

[ShowersofRoses]

A Facebook group would also work much better for her, so she could post updates and share. That makes it much easier for people to interact as much or as little as they’d like in this situation. Maybe you could suggest that to her.

 

[CatholicJewelry]

THANK YOU FOR THIS RESPONSE! I no longer feel guilty about setting boundaries. My husband often says that people dump on me because I’m a good listener. But, it’s taking its toll. I need to protect myself. I am so grateful for your feedback. SO grateful!