Healthy marriage and work stress

  • Thread starter Thread starter alice24
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

alice24

Guest
Not sure what I expect here, but I notice many happily married people here, so, maybe life experience.
Husband and me are very different in our character. I´m outgoing and more able to make small talk, but less good in working well on long term projects. He´s the exact opposite, rather quiet, can´t play a role, but honest and steady.
Our job situation is bad (long story short: studied, but no jobs availible, we pay our bills, but with constant fear), and naturally, I tend to get more chances than he, the result is I burn out and he is disappointed because he not even has the chance to work.
I tend to go too far in advising him how to manage his letters of motivation etc, on the other side, fear is eating me up sometimes. I also fear for our relationship with this constant stress. I realize that there are worse situations of poverty and work stress out there, but I personally only know those who ended up in constant fights at home or even worse, divorce.
How to keep a marriage healthy in those situations?
 
The best thing to do is remind yourselves that you are on the same side. You are each other’s allies. What do you need to do for your ally in order to help him? Money troubles can be a huge stressor, but try to keep in mind that you guys are working together to overcome the challenges you’re facing. Having such a collaborative attitude can help you be gentle with each other.
 
I meant letter of application, sorry. English-german mix up mistake while typing 😉
 
I think all/most married couples probably go through some financial stress. My wife and I are married two years. We were both studying when we married. We are only now getting to the stage where we could say we are financially in a “comfortable” position.

I think both spouses need to realise that they are on the same team, working toward the same goal.

Also other things are more important than worrying about the bills. You should only worry so much about that.
 
Going to couples counseling every so often has helped us. We both have very different styles of thinking, understanding, and world views, so sometimes we need a referee. My husband is usually the one who feels vindicated (& much better) after a session. I have chronic depression so it’s usually more of just another therapy session. But I can’t count the number of times we’ve both said to each other “oh, so that’s what you meant to say… why didn’t you say that in the first place…” after therapy. It’s been very helpful over the years.
 
AdamP88 said:
My wife and I are married two years. We were both studying when we married. We are only now getting to the stage where we could say we are financially in a “comfortable” position.
Click to expand...
We started also when still studying, married one year now. Finishing university doesn´t really improves our situation, sadly, this was one bitter pill to take. We both tried to start a new education, but couldn´t afford the costs/are too old in the eyes of most companies for that. So, we went from one terminated job to another, husband has the second in one year, I had three different terminated contracts, the fourth is coming next month.
It´s even more depressing that I tend to get the better jobs I wished he would have, because we plan children and beind dependent so much on me is not our top one solution right now.
I try to memorize exactly that, only worrying as much as needed - ít´s a hard task for me.
 
Last edited:
Of course introverts make good workers. But we work in the cultural environment (museums, exhibition organisation etc) and this area is mainly, well, a big circus. To add, he has one degree more than me, but I worked ten years beside school and university and have simply more experience. Germany has also a planned 50% women quote in state institutions, so women find Jobs a bit better on our field at the moment.
 
alice24 said:
We started also when still studying, married one year now. Finishing university doesn´t really improves our situation, sadly, this was one bitter pill to take. We both tried to start a new education, but couldn´t afford the costs/are too old in the eyes of most companies for that. So, we went from one terminated job to another, husband has the second in one year, I had three different terminated contracts, the fourth is coming next month.
Click to expand...
I’m very sorry to hear that. It must be difficult to have a qualification and for it not to seem to make a difference.
Would you consider talking to a career guidance counselor? Sometimes there are pathways into jobs that you might not have considered.

Also if you have a university degree there are some companies that will employ you in a graduate programme. It may not be the area you hoped to work in but it can be a starting point and ease some of your financial concerns possibly.
 
Yes, we got counseling. We try to find an alternative way into school teaching, it seems to be the only chance. You are right, some companies hire academics, but our region here is one of the most poor and thin populated in Germany. We had to move here because of the housing prices in our home county, got a cheap house, but the bad side is the job situation.
 
School teaching is good if you can find a way into it. I studied to be a teacher after starting a different career.

Some places also do a postgrad in medicine if you already have a degree.
 
We should have done this earlier, really. We try our best to get into a qualification program for it, but, many have this idea. We need to wait. My husband worked already as care giver and would go back there worst case, but the constant night work was extremely heavy. The problem is, this situation will last for the next years, and we are already stressed out. I fear the future because of this. A big mood killer is also the feel that our skills are simply useless now.
 
Well don’t lose heart. There’s always some way to deal with these things. Keep doing your research and looking into all the options. Think of things you hadn’t considered before.
In any case I’ll keep you in my prayers.
 
Thank you very much, Adam. I´ll keep you and your wife in my prayers, too.
I had a talk with my husband this morning again and we decided it is time to look for some charity programs where we maybe could get involved and work with our skills, so they are not wasted even when we have to work in a whole different area.
 
Last edited:
That’s a good idea. It can be very demoralising to work in an area where you fee you aren’t able to utilise the skills you have. I worked in a gas-station/shop for four years while I was studying and even though I knew I was working toward my future career it still got very tedious sometimes. Especially when you encounter difficult customers.
At least if you work for a charity you get some job fulfillment and you are honing those skills so that if an employment opportunity comes along you have some experience to show.
 
Last edited:
I really sympatise with your situation.

I will not be helpfull, but we had been there too.

My husband and me have like you, graduate in History. He, for teachning, and me to work in museum/heritage.

It took 12 years for him to find a job as a teacher! Thanks to an opportunity that her mother knew. And I will add that it is not a steady job, he has to have a new contract every year, and paid as the minimum legal salary. But he is somewhat protected in his job, becaue the candidates are rares.
Before he worked small jobs in education, or even a hard physical jobs. That let him very depressed and where he lost is health.

During this hard time without any perspective, our relationship suffered too, and being damaged.

He, and then us, as a family (with a child) lived to his father’s house…for years. Not the ideal picture of newly weds. But it permits us to save a lot of money in order to be able to buy a house. (because we cannot have a credit).

Myself, I feel like you, entraved in shearching a job because I want to be a mother. That’s my top priority. Not become the provider, but raised my children. It was difficult because of not having a car and experience, but I renounced to find a secure job in public administration (which I can thanks to a contest).

We lived too in a poorest area, where economics opportunities are few. But it finally been able to buy a house to shelter our family. In my birth area, the best we would have, will be a studio. It was hard for me to accept to moove for his job, for a long time. But it was essential, and for the better.

Our today situation is better, but we will find soon if we can lived as a family of four with only his income.

On the relationship, it is not optimal, and problem of communication/support are one of the problems.

So, the very few I can suggest is:
  • it is hard when a man cannot find a job, more than a woman. Because it attacks him on his role, as a provider. And men tend to be depressed more easily. Support is essential, but you have to be carrefull to not make feel worse with consel and because you succed more easily. Yes, It is hard!
  • unfortunately, you search work in area that it is very difficult to find jobs! So if you can have an oportunity with your social network, don’t hesitate. To have a car help a lot too (easy to say, because it’s expensive!)
  • have a competent job counselor, if he can.
  • Working in charity, as you mention, is a good idea too. Being ready to moove of area is important too.
  • Is it possible to work as a teacher with your graduation? Perhaps it is easier to find opportunities there, than in museums, and with more steady jobs?
  • If you feel that you have communication/or relationship problems,/ or that your husband is depressed, I strongly advise that you both go to conjugal counseling. If you both agreed. And not attempt that the situation deteriorated. We have had done that, and it helped. (but now, my husband don’t want to…).
    Perhaps you can find conseling for free, or low cost trough caritative organisations/ religious organisations/or public organisations?
Good luck. and you have my prayers!
 
No, we couldn´t afford prices for housing and living anywhere else in germany but in some equally poor and structurally weak regions with the same problems as here. If we have a chance, we´ll have it here, because many academics won´t live here on the plain land and schools are seraching teachers. It´s hopefully a matter of time.
Now, I decided to quitt my contract-in-progress job(waiting and working for almost nothing as usual in those jobs until signatures are done) as exhibition manager and go for a sales assistant job. It´s kinda weird because this is exactly the position I started with when I was 16, but they offer me long term employment and the same money without termination. Maybe I follow my husband in teaching, but right now I want to make sure we can pay our bills without becoming mad, at least, I want a stable family.
 
Last edited:
Yes. It is seen as something weird to ask even for the basic insurance conditions, everyone´s pretending not to need the job they want to get.
We hope my husband will have the opportunity to teach, the application period is not yet closed, but we won´t hear much before february.
Anger is a big problem. We are both stressed and angry, not about each other, but about the world suround us. Many, many people here are unemployed and live for years on stately social care, with more income per month than us, and without the constant fear of jobloss. Sometimes, I feel we are fighting here for nothing.
I missed communion for many weeks now because of anger and constant work or tiredness of work, but I decided to go tomorrow. I tend to stop praying myelf when I´m desperate, and I know this is bad.
 
You have a hard time… And the economic situation around us make you feel hopeless.

I have felt your desillusion on workforce and its impact on your marital life in some your answers on others posts…

But remember, you have both diplomas. Even if they are not used today, (and maybe never used as their just value), you are better armed than many jobless people to find a way to support yourselves.

For teaching how the application works? It that a contest? Or a selection?
Anger is natural unfortunately. But we have to be carrefull that it will not finally turn against our spouse.

That’s great that you have decided to go to communion.

I hope more the best.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top