Heart of stone

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I hope this is the right forum.
I have had a series of difficulties in my life. Many long periods in which I had to endure “unendurable” situations. As a result of that, I feel that I have built strong walls around my heart, so strong and thick that even I cannot access it anymore.

This has become a great obstacle in my spiritual life. I feel that I am unable to speak to/communicate with God. Not because He is silent or closed to me. But because I myself am closed, so that there is no “I” that can reach for Him.

Still, I very much love God and want to be with Him. I hope someone will have some good suggestions. Thank you.
 
Pray and meditate!

Take from Me My Heart of Stone
Aufer a me cor lapideum

*by Baldwin, Bishop of Canterbury (12th century) *

O LORD, take away my heart of stone, my hardened heart, my uncircumcised heart; Grant to me a new heart, a heart of flesh, a clean heart! O Thou who purifieth the heart and loveth the clean heart, possess my heart and dwell in it, containing it and filling it, higher than my highest and more intimate than my most intimate thoughts. Thou who art the image of all beauty and the seal of all holiness, seal my heart in Thine image and seal my heart in Thy mercy, O God of my heart and the God of my portion in eternity.

Aufer a me, Domine, cor lapideum, aufer cor coagulatum, aufer cor incircumcisum; da mihi cor novum, cor carneum, cor mundum! Tu cordis mundator et mundi cordis amator, posside cor meum et inhabita, continens et implens, superior summo meo et interior intimo meo! Tu forma pulchritudinis et signaculum sanctitatis, signa cor meum in imagine tua: signa cor meum sub misericordia tua, Deus cordis mei, et pars mea Deus in aternum.
**
Prayer to the Sacred Heart of Jesus**
by Saint Gertrude the Great

O Sacred Heart of Jesus, fountain of eternal life, Your Heart is a glowing furnace of Love. You are my refuge and my sanctuary.

O my adorable and loving Savior, consume my heart with the burning fire with which Yours is aflamed. Pour down on my soul those graces which flow from Your love. Let my heart be united with Yours. Let my will be conformed to Yours in all things. May Your Will be the rule of all my desires and actions.

Amen.

*“It was revealed to St. Gertrude that reading and meditating on the Passion are far more useful and efficacious than all other spiritual exercises. As those who handle flour cannot avoid contracting some whiteness, so no one, however imperfect his devotion may be, can occupy his mind with the Passion of Our Lord without receiving some benefit therefrom. And, however cold and lukewarm our devotion, Our Lord will look upon us with greater long-suffering and mercy if we never omit the memory of His Passion.” *

The Golden Arrow

May the most holy, most sacred, most adorable, most mysterious and unutterable Name of God be always praised, blessed, loved, adored and glorified in heaven, on earth and under the earth, by all the creatures of God, and by the Sacred Heart of our Lord Jesus Christ in the most Holy Sacrament of the altar.

*"The Golden Arrow was revealed by Our Lord Jesus Christ to a Carmelite nun of Tours in 1843 as a reparation for blasphemy. The sin of blasphemy was said to be a ‘poisoned arrow’ more grievous than all other sins. It follows that this prayer would most especially be appropriate after hearing the Holy Name blasphemed, and in reparation for such blasphemy generally.

Jesus said: ‘This Golden Arrow will wound My Heart delightfully, and heal the wounds inflicted by blasphemy.’"
*
 
Don’t lose your peace over feelings; just keep humble, patient, and charitable, and love God by doing His Will and by seeking His glory and honor with everything you think, say and do. Love is not merely a feeling–it is in the will, it is in willing the greatest good for another; so will the greatest good for God: the accomplishment of His holy Will in yourself and others, and His honor and glory in all you think, say and do, and in all of creation. God bless you.
 
LostSeeker said:
I hope this is the right forum.
I have had a series of difficulties in my life. Many long periods in which I had to endure “unendurable” situations. As a result of that, I feel that I have built strong walls around my heart, so strong and thick that even I cannot access it anymore.

This has become a great obstacle in my spiritual life. I feel that I am unable to speak to/communicate with God. Not because He is silent or closed to me. But because I myself am closed, so that there is no “I” that can reach for Him.

Still, I very much love God and want to be with Him. I hope someone will have some good suggestions. Thank you.
Click to expand...
Because lawlessness will multiply, the love of many will grow cold, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. Matthew 24:12

Just keep saying your prayers, everything will come back to normal. 🙂
 
LostSeeker said:
….I feel that I have built strong walls around my heart, so strong and thick that even I cannot access it anymore.

This has become a great obstacle in my spiritual life. I feel that I am unable to speak to/communicate with God. Not because He is silent or closed to me. But because I myself am closed, so that there is no “I” that can reach for Him….
Click to expand...
Pertaining to in-person interaction with people, are you similarly closed off?
 
LostSeeker said:
… because I myself am closed, so that there is no “I” that can reach for Him.

Still, I very much love God and want to be with Him…
Click to expand...
From that, it sounds like you are, in fact, open and reaching out (calling out) to God. That is very good!

The Catechism (at #302) says that the universe was created in a state of journeying, and that God works to bring it to its ultimate perfection. Perhaps the same can be said of us. God gave us certain traits at birth. Since then, we have been shaped to some extent by experiences both good and bad. We are aided along the way by God’s grace.

The walls around your heart may be high and strong, but God can still reach in. Try not to worry a lot about the walls. I mean you should learn their limits and where the secret doors are, but also have faith that in time the walls can come down, or at least be reconfigured to provide a good (healthy) balance between protection and access.

I’m praying for you!
 
Jesus says that we love Him when we obey His commands. So don’t get discouraged by such negative feelings, just obey our Lord’s commands and prove your love to Him this way. God bless you.
 
LostSeeker said:
I hope this is the right forum.
I have had a series of difficulties in my life. Many long periods in which I had to endure “unendurable” situations. As a result of that, I feel that I have built strong walls around my heart, so strong and thick that even I cannot access it anymore.

This has become a great obstacle in my spiritual life. I feel that I am unable to speak to/communicate with God. Not because He is silent or closed to me. But because I myself am closed, so that there is no “I” that can reach for Him.

Still, I very much love God and want to be with Him. I hope someone will have some good suggestions. Thank you.
Click to expand...
What is an example of an area where you would like to be able open up more? Things about the way the world is or certain things that happen? Channels of communication to other people that you’ve severed for your own good and wish to reestablish, for example? Maybe the ability to look more completely and honestly within yourself?
 
bsf said:
Pertaining to in-person interaction with people, are you similarly closed off?
Click to expand...
Thank you bsf for your insight. Yes, I find that I am completely unable to share anything deep or personal with other people. I can have a pleasant conversation with anybody, but my inner self is kept apart.
 
Mystical_Seeker said:
What is an example of an area where you would like to be able open up more? Things about the way the world is or certain things that happen? Channels of communication to other people that you’ve severed for your own good and wish to reestablish, for example? Maybe the ability to look more completely and honestly within yourself?
Click to expand...
Thank you Mystical Seeker for your questions. Well, my problem is that I got so much fear and suffering from the events of my life, my “solution” was to find ways to avoid thinking about such situations, let us say a kind of anesthesia of my feelings and thoughts. Now I cannot go “down there” where those feelings are, the place is too scary.
I haven’t cut down any relationships, but I am no longer able to talk to anybody about what really matters to me, because to talk about it would mean to drag up all those buried feelings and thoughts.
That is why I feel lonely about talking to God. I cannot just tell Him “sure it’s cold today” or “my job is really hard” and such. I want to share myself with Him, but I am unable to reach my “self” down there in the cellar.
 
Thank all of you for your prayers and kindness. May you all have a year of peace and joy in the Lord.
 
LostSeeker said:
Thank you bsf for your insight. Yes, I find that I am completely unable to share anything deep or personal with other people. I can have a pleasant conversation with anybody, but my inner self is kept apart.
Click to expand...
It can really be hard to find someone who can listen to you in a way that is both objective and helpful, while not being judgmental. Like listening without trying to fix or advise is step one.

So many people can listen to me but think more about what they will answer, than about being sure they grasp my intended meaning before replying in a reactionary way. I can say one sentence that hits three triggers for them and before I know it they are in full ego-emo mode and I wish I hadn’t said anything.

But I sometimes will tell a person something small about myself, and see if they handle that before trusting them with any more personal information. Like I give them something to use against me, and if they do, then I’m glad I didn’t trust them with more sensitive information. Kind of like my outer layer – if they react badly to that they will never see inside.

MS
 
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