Heartbreak

[Sarah_Sinner]

I broke up with my ex recently ( all covered in another thread). This might sound like a stupid question but how do I get over him? My counsellor said I have great inner strength and wisdom but today I feel really lonely. We were best friends and it’s such a loss. The fact that I’m living with my controlling hostile mother makes things even harder, I feel so alone. I’m stuck with my mother for now and have tried getting on with her for decades but nothing has worked. I’m feeling very alone. I have lots of friends but don’t see them as much as my mother’s house is further from town. I obviously go to Mass every Sunday but I also used to go most weekdays and I think that’s affecting me. My mother’s an atheist and so there’s no crucifixes allowed except in my bedroom. Should I secretly get the house blessed? How do get my peace of mind back, and how do I move on from my ex? I still love him but it’s completely over. The rest of my family is supportive but they don’t live close by. I seem to keep in touch with most of my family and friends through fb, texts, and phonecalls.
Prayers and advice needed please!!! Xx

 

[Povero]

I broke up with my ex recently ( all covered in another thread). This might sound like a stupid question but how do I get over him? My counsellor said I have great inner strength and wisdom but today I feel really lonely. We were best friends and it’s such a loss. The fact that I’m living with my controlling hostile mother makes things even harder, I feel so alone. I’m stuck with my mother for now and have tried getting on with her for decades but nothing has worked. I’m feeling very alone. I have lots of friends but don’t see them as much as my mother’s house is further from town. I obviously go to Mass every Sunday but I also used to go most weekdays and I think that’s affecting me. My mother’s an atheist and so there’s no crucifixes allowed except in my bedroom. Should I secretly get the house blessed? How do get my peace of mind back, and how do I move on from my ex? I still love him but it’s completely over. The rest of my family is supportive but they don’t live close by. I seem to keep in touch with most of my family and friends through fb, texts, and phonecalls.
Prayers and advice needed please!!! Xx

You will get over this relationship, just as I have had to do so because of MY POOR choices. You may be attempting to “fix” this dysfunctional relationship with your biological mother by unconsciously choosing the “wrong” partners for the “wrong” reasons, and this could include friends as well. I suggest you find a good Catholic psychotherapist (ask your priest first, he may know of some). I also suggest you turn to your REAL Mother, Mary, with the Rosary, every single day, for protection and guidance.

Remember; an “ex” is an EX for a reason. Love is many things but it is not betrayal, injury, insult, assault (physical, emotional or psychological) or anything that causes us to doubt our WORTH to God. Getting over the “ex” is eminently do-able; being certain not to make the same poor choices again depends upon your effort and work on yourself. Find the therapist and find a way to live on your own. In most States in the USA, people with low income qualify for HUD housing and that doesn’t mean you have to move into a dangerous area. Go to Social Services and see what options you have. Live in your own space, even if it is one small room with a bathroom; stay in prayer; trust God.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

You will get over this relationship, just as I have had to do so because of MY POOR choices. You may be attempting to “fix” this dysfunctional relationship with your biological mother by unconsciously choosing the “wrong” partners for the “wrong” reasons, and this could include friends as well. I suggest you find a good Catholic psychotherapist (ask your priest first, he may know of some). I also suggest you turn to your REAL Mother, Mary, with the Rosary, every single day, for protection and guidance.

Remember; an “ex” is an EX for a reason. Love is many things but it is not betrayal, injury, insult, assault (physical, emotional or psychological) or anything that causes us to doubt our WORTH to God. Getting over the “ex” is eminently do-able; being certain not to make the same poor choices again depends upon your effort and work on yourself. Find the therapist and find a way to live on your own. In most States in the USA, people with low income qualify for HUD housing and that doesn’t mean you have to move into a dangerous area. Go to Social Services and see what options you have. Live in your own space, even if it is one small room with a bathroom; stay in prayer; trust God.

Thank you. I realize I could be unconsciously be choosing the wrong men, but why would that be to fix my relationship with my mother?

 

[AussieTrish]

You were attracted to this man, but from what you wrote of this man, it is your need to escape your mother, your desire not to be alone your need to be loved. You didn’t really get these things from that man. It can appear to satisfy ones needs when one is satisfying someone else’s needs because we think we’re 'in love (you won’t find ‘in love’ in the bible it a poetic and media spin on 'attraction), but it isn’t actually love for you from him, and for you it’s need and attraction rather than love. This is often the case in relationships, and people want to hang onto the boyfriend or girlfriend because they think it’s love and they can’t bear losing him or her.

This is where we need to think and separate out our feelings and needs. You do understandably want to be loved and respected. He didn’t respect you. He didn’t care either for your soul and eternal salvation or he’d not have drawn you into sex before marriage. And he didn’t voe you enough to commit. Bottom line he only cared for himself and what you could give him emotionally and physically where he isn’t looking for it somewhere else. (This happens more often than people think, which is why, when they say they have" fallen our of love" with their partner or spouse, they really never did unselfishly and truly get to the point of genuinely loving that person. It was always, at base, about their own needs.
So your feelings for him are hurt and still attached, butit isn’t really about genuine love.
All you can do is to pray for him, and to separate your thoughts between your attachment to him, and what are your needs and what is really hurting you.

What is really hurting you has nothing to do with this man (although it is a painful loss of your dream for the future you hoped to share with him.)
It is personal loneliness and the desire to love and be loved, it is also that you don’t find the maternal love and understanding you desire from a mother.

My prayer for you is that you will find new interest in your own life, in your abilities, in creating a new future, and hopefully to find a Catholic man who genuinely and un-hypocritically lives his life as a good Catholic. Someone who will genuinely love you . But in the meantime my prayer is that you grow strong in yourself, find inner strength never to compromise your soul’s salvation again, and to live in kindness and thoughtfulness to your mother even if she’s not all you might hope in a mother and even if she doesn’t change. She also may be lonely and unhappy. Her daughter isn’t close to her. Does anyone else really love her?

Anyway I hope you can recover soon.
I’m sorry for the hurt you’ve been going through for some time, even before your breakup.
God grant healing and peace.

The other poster’s comment regarding the need to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, a prospective marriage in order to ‘fix your relationship with your mother’ …what people usually mean by that is not actually to ‘fix’ the relationship but that the person needs to escape an unhappy or toxic relationship.
When one thinks about it, is not a very accurate statement, but it is one that people often use. However it can happen that a (family relationship has a chance to recover if there is more space if someone moves out, but that isn’t necessarily so. Some relationships never really improve.

 

[Cricket2]

Getting over someone takes time, so don’t be worried if you still have strong feelings or emotions related to this. Occupying yourself with other friends as often as you can certainly will help. So does work and of course going to Church. This is one of those times that you will have to trust in the passage of time to help things heal. Be patient about it.

As for your mothers house, be glad that you can have the crucifix in your room. I had the same issue when living with and caring for my grandparents. They “tolerated” my being Catholic and my strong involvement in the Church. I was allowed to have religious items in my room only. But in the end my grandmother actually asked to be baptized as a Catholic just a week or two prior to her death. So hang in there.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

You were attracted to this man, but from what you wrote of this man, it is your need to escape your mother, your desire not to be alone your need to be loved. You didn’t really get these things from that man. It can appear to satisfy ones needs when one is satisfying someone else’s needs because we think we’re 'in love (you won’t find ‘in love’ in the bible it a poetic and media spin on 'attraction), but it isn’t actually love for you from him, and for you it’s need and attraction rather than love. This is often the case in relationships, and people want to hang onto the boyfriend or girlfriend because they think it’s love and they can’t bear losing him or her.

This is where we need to think and separate out our feelings and needs. You do understandably want to be loved and respected. He didn’t respect you. He didn’t care either for your soul and eternal salvation or he’d not have drawn you into sex before marriage. And he didn’t voe you enough to commit. Bottom line he only cared for himself and what you could give him emotionally and physically where he isn’t looking for it somewhere else. (This happens more often than people think, which is why, when they say they have" fallen our of love" with their partner or spouse, they really never did unselfishly and truly get to the point of genuinely loving that person. It was always, at base, about their own needs.
So your feelings for him are hurt and still attached, butit isn’t really about genuine love.
All you can do is to pray for him, and to separate your thoughts between your attachment to him, and what are your needs and what is really hurting you.

What is really hurting you has nothing to do with this man (although it is a painful loss of your dream for the future you hoped to share with him.)
It is personal loneliness and the desire to love and be loved, it is also that you don’t find the maternal love and understanding you desire from a mother.

My prayer for you is that you will find new interest in your own life, in your abilities, in creating a new future, and hopefully to find a Catholic man who genuinely and un-hypocritically lives his life as a good Catholic. Someone who will genuinely love you . But in the meantime my prayer is that you grow strong in yourself, find inner strength never to compromise your soul’s salvation again, and to live in kindness and thoughtfulness to your mother even if she’s not all you might hope in a mother and even if she doesn’t change. She also may be lonely and unhappy. Her daughter isn’t close to her. Does anyone else really love her?

Anyway I hope you can recover soon.
I’m sorry for the hurt you’ve been going through for some time, even before your breakup.
God grant healing and peace.

The other poster’s comment regarding the need to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, a prospective marriage in order to ‘fix your relationship with your mother’ …what people usually mean by that is not actually to ‘fix’ the relationship but that the person needs to escape an unhappy or toxic relationship.
When one thinks about it, is not a very accurate statement, but it is one that people often use. However it can happen that a (family relationship has a chance to recover if there is more space if someone moves out, but that isn’t necessarily so. Some relationships never really improve.

Thank you. I agree with everything you said. I know I need to build myself up before I enter into another relationship but I feel a strong pull towards marriage. I have so much love and care to give, and I think that sex is a beautiful gift from God and I love intimacy, but I wanna be married before I give my body to another man. And yes he was hypocritical. I wonder are there any good Catholic men left, because my recent experience has put great suspicions in my mind. Does everyone live a double life? And how do I trust my instincts? My idea of marriage is: love, children, no contraception, forgiveness, care, and wanting to help your spouse grow in holiness. Am I living in the real world or have I been reading too much of the Catechism? Should I have been born 800 years ago?!

 

[tawny]

I broke up with my ex recently ( all covered in another thread). This might sound like a stupid question but how do I get over him? My counsellor said I have great inner strength and wisdom but today I feel really lonely. We were best friends and it’s such a loss. The fact that I’m living with my controlling hostile mother makes things even harder, I feel so alone. I’m stuck with my mother for now and have tried getting on with her for decades but nothing has worked. I’m feeling very alone. I have lots of friends but don’t see them as much as my mother’s house is further from town. I obviously go to Mass every Sunday but I also used to go most weekdays and I think that’s affecting me. My mother’s an atheist and so there’s no crucifixes allowed except in my bedroom. Should I secretly get the house blessed? How do get my peace of mind back, and how do I move on from my ex? I still love him but it’s completely over. The rest of my family is supportive but they don’t live close by. I seem to keep in touch with most of my family and friends through fb, texts, and phonecalls.
Prayers and advice needed please!!! Xx

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength & fortitude in your time of need.

 

[Beryllos]

I have no advice, but I pray for your healing and peace.

 

[Sereta]

I broke up with my ex recently ( all covered in another thread). This might sound like a stupid question but how do I get over him? My counsellor said I have great inner strength and wisdom but today I feel really lonely. We were best friends and it’s such a loss. The fact that I’m living with my controlling hostile mother makes things even harder, I feel so alone. I’m stuck with my mother for now and have tried getting on with her for decades but nothing has worked. I’m feeling very alone. I have lots of friends but don’t see them as much as my mother’s house is further from town. I obviously go to Mass every Sunday but I also used to go most weekdays and I think that’s affecting me. My mother’s an atheist and so there’s no crucifixes allowed except in my bedroom. Should I secretly get the house blessed? How do get my peace of mind back, and how do I move on from my ex? I still love him but it’s completely over. The rest of my family is supportive but they don’t live close by. I seem to keep in touch with most of my family and friends through fb, texts, and phonecalls.
Prayers and advice needed please!!! Xx

Join a dance or fitness class.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

I will pray for your heartbreak.

Sometimes grief is something that we want to go around, or over, or avoid altogether. I speak from experience unfortunately. Grief is an awful thing to feel, the loneliness and hurt can sometimes feel like too much to bear.

What I know from life is that there are some things that you just have to go THROUGH, does that make any sense? I could tell you all sorts of ways to help yourself feel better, such as get out and get some fresh air, talk with friends, watch a movie, read a book, pray and other things. The fact is that you have probably tried all of those haven’t you? You still feel your sadness, because it is normal to feel sad. Sometimes you just feel sad no matter what you try, it can be very hard I know.

Jesus loves you very much. Jesus knows what it feels like to be alone and in pain. He is with you now. You will get through this, offer up your pain and suffering in prayer for special intentions when you think of them. In the meantime take care of yourself as best as you can. Losing a relationship can be very hard physically too, you may need extra sleep to help heal your heart. Take care of yourself and know you are loved so much by God. Please be assured of my prayers. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Thanks. Yes that’s about it. It’s a bereavement. Thanks for your kind words

 

[Povero]

Thank you. I realize I could be unconsciously be choosing the wrong men, but why would that be to fix my relationship with my mother?

Well, this is how:

A mother (and father, but especially mother) offers ideally unconditional love, support, patience and protection, and safety (insofar as safety is attainable in an imperfect world). When a child is emotionally abandoned, criticized, subjected to emotional abuse (name calling, cold shoulder, unfair punishment), the child loses confidence in herself (or himself) because a child is greatly affected by parental behavior for the first six years of life. Physical abandonment (by desertion, death, or dumping a child on others) is equally destructive. A woman (can’t speak for men) who has suffered a childhood with no safe harbor and no sure steady arms and constant affection/love (even in the face of having done “wrong”) grows into a woman who seeks this validation from others, who forgives easily, who is overly sensitive to negative reactions from others, who loves and trusts easily because a child from a less than healthy parenting experience must learn to make allowances for the adult. In so doing, that child loves and trusts easily, in the unconscious hope that such will “fix” whatever is “wrong”. How do I know? I’ve lived it. I spent the majority of my adulthood in and out of psychotherapy to “fix” the fact that I chose the wrong men for the wrong reasons; that I presented myself and strong and independent when - beneath that - I was frightened and needy; that even my female friends were in some ways narcissistic and most friendships were a one way street when push came to shove. By the time I had my own child at age 40, I knew how to be a mother.

 

[Demetra2]

I am so sorry that you are going through this heartache. You are not alone because many good Catholic women and men are having a very difficult finding each other. Keep praying to Jesus and Mary for strength and wisdom. You should start planning to be able to live on your own as independence would lift your spirits. Good luck and try not to despair. Things will improve in time but have a plan.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

Well, this is how:

A mother (and father, but especially mother) offers ideally unconditional love, support, patience and protection, and safety (insofar as safety is attainable in an imperfect world). When a child is emotionally abandoned, criticized, subjected to emotional abuse (name calling, cold shoulder, unfair punishment), the child loses confidence in herself (or himself) because a child is greatly affected by parental behavior for the first six years of life. Physical abandonment (by desertion, death, or dumping a child on others) is equally destructive. A woman (can’t speak for men) who has suffered a childhood with no safe harbor and no sure steady arms and constant affection/love (even in the face of having done “wrong”) grows into a woman who seeks this validation from others, who forgives easily, who is overly sensitive to negative reactions from others, who loves and trusts easily because a child from a less than healthy parenting experience must learn to make allowances for the adult. In so doing, that child loves and trusts easily, in the unconscious hope that such will “fix” whatever is “wrong”. How do I know? I’ve lived it. I spent the
majority of my adulthood in and out of psychotherapy to “fix” the fact that I chose the wrong men for the wrong reasons; that I presented myself and strong and independent when - beneath that - I was frightened and needy; that even my female friends were in some ways narcissistic and most friendships were a one way street when push came to shove. By the time I had my own child at age 40, I knew how to be a mother.

Thank you. I loved him so much that I was willing to support him overcoming any sin. I said to him: I believe in you, and I think that if you can overcome cigarettes, you can overcome porn and masturbation.
Aside from that, I need to be very careful in future coz what made me fall for him was how holy he seemed. Looking back now, I should have gotten to know him better before accepting his marriage proposal. The devil is very good at what he does. I want to get married someday but need to heal first.
Regarding my mother, I said to her yesterday that it could take awhile for me to find a place, so she’d have to put up with me for another while. My sister moved in yesterday and my mother put on a show, offering me dinner when I usually have to but my own food. I didn’t join them coz I had already had a takeaway coz I wasn’t expecting to be offered food. I think that having my sister here could calm my Mum down coz she prefers her, and whenever she ( Mum) has a problem, she confides in my sister, so she might cool off. The only thing is that my sister is insanely jealous of me coz my Mum has always commented on my physical beauty, so that’s always been a problem. It’s weird: my mother prefers my sister’s personality, but my looks. I’m not jealous of either of them of them on any level.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

Good news thank God Today I went back to the social housing place and was in bits, and told them about the mental abuse at home. She said there’s a small house she’ll have ready for me in the next two weeks!! I’ve only told my father yet coz if my mother finds out she’ll make the departure difficult ( “That’s mine”…etc…). But thank God!! I’ll be within walking distance of a Church, a few shops, pharmacy, couple of pubs, library, and beautiful scenery. Thank you God!!!

 

[Luvz2travel]

The old saying that “time heals all wounds” is very true. Give yourself time. Get out and do things. Especially try some new things and make new memorys. Most of all try not to dwell on memories of the old relationship and what you did or didn’t do it’s all “water under the bridge” anyway.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

The old saying that “time heals all wounds” is very true. Give yourself time. Get out and do things. Especially try some new things and make new memorys. Most of all try not to dwell on memories of the old relationship and what you did or didn’t do it’s all “water under the bridge” anyway.

Thank you

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

I have no advice, but I pray for your healing and peace.

Thank you