Help! Brother taking advantage of mother

[Acorn]

Hi, I just really need some support right now! My 28 year old brother moved back in with my mother and younger brother inside her tiny little apartment. He has been there for a year now and has been unemployed for 8 months and refuses to get a job. My mom only makes $700 a month and is disabled, and she is paying for all of his food ( he is 6.7 feet and nearly 300lbs.) I feel like he is a total freeloader! He destroyed her apartment and takes a shower only once a month. He keeps taking her car without her permission for hours every day and then comes home and sits on the couch playing games on her phone. He doesn’t have his own phone, and doesn’t help her pay utilities or rent, and does not clean up after himself, he makes a total mess in the bathroom and the kitchen and has ruined two couches. Not to mention a very frustrating thing is that he is always criticizing and belittling my mother and I when I come over. Yesterday I went into the apartment and I almost fainted from the foul smell, (he won’t let Mom open the windows because he likes it dark in the apartment.) I told him to stop taking advantage of mom and a stop being so nasty and to take a shower, he laughed at me and told me that whatever I was saying belongs in a comic book. He said he feels justified in his actions and that I was sinning to reproach him.Then he pounded me with insults and nasty names, telling me that I am unchristian and on Catholic to tell him that he is taking advantage of mom. I don’t know what to do, he prays a lot and talks very holy and if anybody offends him by telling him to stop it or corrects him, he says that he prays that God would forgive them for the way that they treated him. he is always moping that everybody disrespects him, hates him, and thinks that he is a failure. Nobody has ever indicated that , on the contrary when he came back everybody was trying to be his friend and encourage him. The reason why I’m most upset is that now the apartment is literally a health hazard, also because my 17 year old brother is following in his footsteps. Both of them treat my mother so badly, I keep encouraging her to move in with me but she won’t because she is afraid for them because they won’t take care of themselves.

 

[gracepoole]

Oh, I’m so sorry! I know of two different families with identical stories. When you speak with your mom about the situation, what does she say?

 

[Pattylt]

Have you discussed this with your mother? She is the one being taken advantage of and she is the one that needs to end it. If she is unwilling to put her foot down, I doubt there is much you can do. Let her know calmly how you see the situation and let her know you will help her in any way you can.

It’s easy to say, from our point of view, that your brother is a lazy oaf and needs to be kicked out on his rear end…but it’s your mother’s wishes that you need to know. If she’s unwilling, I guess you just have to continue to live with it.

Is she mentally sound? If not, discuss mental health options with her or see what you can legally do. If it’s just a case of being unable or unwilling to deal with her oldest, well, it is what it is, I’m sorry to say. Keep communicating with her. Help her to see what you see…and do it with love.

Ignore things your brother says. Talk to your priest on how best to deal with him! If he started to question your Christian values, I’d say, “ let’s talk to Fr. X and see what he says!” I think he’d shut up. He knows he’s being a sloth and ungrateful son.

 

[Acorn]

My mother is a very quiet and meek person, she just puts up with everything. When I talked to her about it she just kind of looks at the ground and says she can’t do anything.

 

[redbetta]

If the apartment is literally a health hazard, any chance the landlord can help you kick him out?

EDIT: Also, was your brother always this way? He sounds cartoonishly awful.

 

[Pattylt]

When I talked to her about it she just kind of looks at the ground and says she can’t do anything.

Now, ask her why she can’t do anything. It’s her home and her money…of course she can do something. You need to find out why she won’t. This goes beyond meekness. I think she fears something…you need to figure out what!

 

[gracepoole]

My mother is a very quiet and meek person, she just puts up with everything. When I talked to her about it she just kind of looks at the ground and says she can’t do anything.

Can you speak to an attorney to see if anything can be done?

 

[Acorn]

Well, I think my mom is sort of in denial she has been abused by her dad and by her husband and raised 8 kids on her own. I’m the 4th and my brothers right above me and we have all been abused so I’m sure that adds to y he acts that way. The rest of us learn how to pull up our bootstraps, but he won’t.

 

[RepetantCatholic]

I’m very sorry to hear this. I can see your mom’s concern because your brother sounds like he would go into homelessness.

Seeing how you describe your brother, maybe he has mental illness. The only problem I see is his abusiveness to your mother.

Here is what I recommend, tell your brother to go to a disability lawyer and see if he can put in a claim for disability. Disability lawyers don’t charge anything unless the person receives benefits. If they do they take a portion of the first payment.

Don’t yell at him or tell him he stinks, treat him as disabled. I’m not chastising you, I understand how upset you are but the point is to be able to communicate with him and reach him. If he gets disability, maybe he can move out. It’s a simple form by the way, it has many pages but the paralegal helps you fill it out.

But again I see why your mom takes the abuse because it sounds like he could go into homelessness. I’ myself am disabled but I’m not abusive and while I live with my parents we are a team and I pay them 500 a month just to help out.

So, the best thing to do is just assume mental illness. I’m going speculate it is something clinical that can be treated with medication. But again the point is for him to have income and move out on his own. He needs meds and therapy. But er on the side of compassion at least for your mom’s sake. Remember to always tell her you love and make up for his abuse.

 

[Acorn]

Thank you all for your advice and consolation! I’m just hoping that something happens soon because I’m getting more and more scared of the Coronavirus and the apartment is so filthy dirty. I even went in there to clean and he kicked me out and bar the windows and doors.

 

[Viki63]

i suggest you look into resources for prevention of elder abuse. If the apartment is a health hazard, or your brother is using her money, they may be able to take action. You can reach the Eldercare Locator by telephone at 1-800-677-1116 . Specially trained operators will refer you to a local agency that can help.

 

[Minks]

i suggest you look into resources for prevention of elder abuse. If the apartment is a health hazard, or your brother is using her money, they may be able to take action. You can reach the Eldercare Locator by telephone at 1-800-677-1116 . Specially trained operators will refer you to a local agency that can help.

Thank you for providing that important information. All of us should tuck it away with our important papers for ready reference if we should need it for ourselves or for others.

 

[JanR]

It is so generous and kind of you to invite your mother to move in with you. I can understand her concerns about your 17 year old brother, but that other hulking brute is a fully grown adult and she is in no way obligated to put up with his behavior.

What does her landlord/landlady say about this? The 28 year old is posing a health hazard, and your mother may have to kick him out or be evicted, herself. It sounds like he is self-righteous and has a holier-than-thou attitude, which is completely UNChristan and UNCatholic.

Is there any way you could take in both your mother and your 17-year old brother? Together, the two of you could start teaching him the right way to live in another person’s home, and he will be away from the older brother’s influence.

Your mother has every right to kick out the deadbeat and make him fend for himself. He has had plenty of opportunity to shape up, and has decided to be defiant, instead.

I am also worried that because he is 6’ 7" and weighs 300 pounds, that he could physically overpower her should he decide to become violent. Maybe she’s afraid of him – in that case, the police might need to get involved, if he has threatened her or she feels threatened or intimidated by him.

I take it your dad isn’t in the picture? If he is, would he be willing to take in the older son to relieve your mother of some of the burden (assuming your dad and mother live apart). If they’re still together, WHY isn’t his father taking some responsibility?

There’s no excuse for this. He needs to either shape up or go.

 

[Acorn]

Well, the landlord’s see him there all the time but haven’t said anything. I actually live in the same apartment complex, just in a different building. I’ve been thinking really hard if I should report him to the landlords but I am afraid that they will evict my mother because she never reported that he has been staying there illegally. I also don’t want her to get evicted for the condition of the apartment. Her next door neighbor had just gotten evicted from damage done by her cats.
My father died a few years ago but he was not a good man at all and unfortunately the two brothers have taking up after some of his vices. That’s a big reason why I’m not willing to take in my 17 year old brother, it’s because of his immoral issues and dinsrespect, I don’t want him around. I wish my mother could just kick out the 28yr old to save herself from getting in trouble and more importantly to save her health, but I just don’t think she’s strong enough. My brother is not physically violent but he does get angry over very small things and sometimes breaks things out of anger, the other day he kicked my mom’s counter jar set and he didn’t clean up or replace them. He is very intimidating when he’s angry. I guess I should mention too that my brother was in the monastery for 8 years so in a way it kind of makes things harder to deal with.

 

[dollysro]

I agree that this situation calls for drastic and legal methods. Calling and reporting elder abuse is an excellent first step and great advice.
Bless you for being an advocate for your mom, she really needs the help!
Prayers for all of you

 

[Acorn]

Hi everyone, so I prayed and came up with the nerve to tell the manager about the situation and she was very understanding and kind and told me that she will not evict my mother as long as the 28 yr. Old moves out or puts his name on the lease, and that she will not evict her either for the damage as long as it is payed for. So then the manager told my mom what she has to do, and I had to go and be dumb and told her that I was the one who reported my brother. She thought somebody else did, and I should have left it at that but I told her I did it and told her she needed to stop allowing this abuse go to on. I feel absolutely terrible! I cannot tell you how angry my entire family is at me! A couple of my close friends whom I told about the situation told me I did the right thing and that any priest would have advised me to do it, but still I feel just horrible and I just lost my friendship with my mom and my family. I don’t think my mom will ever forgive me. She said that I had no right 2 take control of the situation because he is her son and and not my business and that she didn’t want him kicked out. I have a splitting headache my heart is down in my stomach.

 

[dollysro]

I am sorry they are angry with you but that anger might be coming from another place: that they did nothing while you bore the brunt of the situation!
You are the hero here, her life was in danger and your brother needs help desperately.
Good job!

 

[JanR]

Well, he may be “her son”, but you’re her daughter, and she needs to take into consideration the impact his behavior is having on you.

As for the 28-year-old not being physically violent, I would say that if he breaks things when he’s angry, and kicks the counter jars, etc., then he IS physically violent, as those are physically violent acts. It may be only a matter of time before he becomes violent with your mother, too.

I think, in time, you mother might come around to realize you’ve done her a favor by exposing this and forcing that something be done about it. Let’s hope, and pray …

 

[redbetta]

What do you mean when you say that he was in a monastery for 8 years? Was he a monk at some point? Because religious orders tend to screen people for issues pretty thoroughly before they let someone in. It seems like someone like your brother would have been turned down rather quickly.

Also, you did the right thing by telling your landlord. Now, start checking out some resources for elder abuse.

 

[Acorn]

What do you mean when you say that he was in a monastery for 8 years? Was he a monk at some point?

He was actually a monk. I don’t think he ever told his superiors about himself, I got that impression when I went to visit him seven years ago. I never heard from him when he was in the monastery, he just wrote to my mom and a couple other siblings. I know that his Superior was not happy with him not showering but that’s all I know.
Apparently,( I had just learned today) that he is actually leaving to join the Army!! I can’t tell you how confused I am!! And that is one of the reasons why my family is so angry with me but I didn’t know! I wouldn’t have reported him if I had known he was going to leave in a few days! I can’t believe that they kept this secret from me!!! And they say I have ruined everything!! Why the secrecy?! And then he’s just going to tiptoe away off to the Army leaving all this damage?!!!
I thank you all for all of your support and prayers!!! It means a tremendous amount to me! At least this all kind of helped me realize where I really stand with my family. Someone suggested it might be a good time to relocate and just get away from this continual awful drama because there’s nothing I can do about it anyway and my mom just doesn’t want my help. I think I’ve been too attached to my family and it’s just at a point where this is really unhealthy for me and my kids.