Help! Caught My Brother viewing porn

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HisCreation

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I rarely post on this great site, but now I feel the need to - especially considering how confused I am in what to do/say…

My family is a very good catholic family - mom, dad, me, and my brother. I’m 20 years old and my bro is 26 years old. I used to struggle with the temptations of porn and masturbation over the past 3 years but I feel that I am finally firm against impure temptations - consistent prayer, confession, daily mass have lifted me out of my mess. My brother or family never knew of my porn addiction. Around the same time of my addiction, my brother actually got caught viewing porn and my parents pretty much went off on him, warning him that if it happens again he would be out of the house. 3 years later, it seems his addiction is back. Last night, I was sleeping in the living room on our couch where our computer is pretty much in the same vicinity(in the dining room). It was almost as if my angel woke me up out of the blue, so as to catch and stop my brother from further indulging. I woke up, saw the computer, and instantly knew that he was watching porn. I said: “Dude, are you watching porn? C’mon man stop watching that ****.” I told him, “I gotta over it years ago man, I suggest you go to confession and develop a prayer life bro”. I told him these words and other related things that probably had never heard from me. After he turned off the computer, and before I went back to sleep, he said to me: “sorry”. I responded: “Don’t say sorry to me, say sorry to God and repent”. I pray that he will take to heart these words from me, his younger brother. ALSO, It seems he has TWO myspace accounts - one for regular activity, and another one with several slutty-looking women. Who knows if he has had any relations with them, but it just is a testament to what pornography and impurity can do - it doesn’t surprise me that he would have a separate “secret” myspace account. To add to all of this, he has a girlfriend and they have been together for about 4-5 years. Marriage seems to be inevitable, and I’m afraid that if he doesn’t get these impure temptations and **** out of his life, his marriage will not go well. I love him to death, and I feel that it is my duty as his younger brother to help him. I can’t go another day knowing that my brother is in the state of mortal sin. So…
  1. Do I tell his girlfriend about this secret myspace account? This seems like a terrible thing to do considering what the outcome may be between he and his girlfriend BUT will this benefit him in any way? Obviously he is not fit for marriage and the life that is required in a marital relationship.
  2. Do I tell my parents? If I did he would probably be disciplined harshly, and be kicked out of the house. I don’t want that, obviously, but it seems that might bring the harsh reality of the spiritual battle he is facing, and that he really needs to change.
 
  1. do NOT tell his girlfriend. It is his job to do that. Definitely tell him to man up and if he cant to seriously consider putting off the marriage until he can control himself. But that is up to him to do, not you. You can only make things worse by getting between him and his girlfriend.
  2. I would give your brother a second chance. If he does it again, tell your parents. Eventually he might need to have some real punishment to get him to break this bad habit.
 
HisCreation said:
  1. Do I tell his girlfriend about this secret myspace account? This seems like a terrible thing to do considering what the outcome may be between he and his girlfriend BUT will this benefit him in any way? Obviously he is not fit for marriage and the life that is required in a marital relationship.
  2. Do I tell my parents? If I did he would probably be disciplined harshly, and be kicked out of the house. I don’t want that, obviously, but it seems that might bring the harsh reality of the spiritual battle he is facing, and that he really needs to change.
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I noticed that many have read your thread and have not responded. What you ask are not easy questions or questions that we can answer. We can give our opinion, but what I would do if I were you is pray about it. Be an example to your brother. Sometimes our actions speak louder than words. When my husband was addicted to porn, the lies hurt me more than anything else. I didn’t trust him for a long time. He did what you did, Confession, daily Mass and prayers help him kick the bad habit. Your brother needs a lot of prayers from you and to know that you are there for him if he needs you. I know that when I nagged my hubby, it didn’t work. I didn’t understand why he did what he did. He joined a support group of other men with the same problem,but most of all he had another Catholic man to call if he felt tempted. It was almost like AA. Maybe you can tell your brother that you two can be there for each other. Don’t come across as holier than he is for this may cause him to run and ignore you and your advice, but instead tell him that you too struggle with the same problem and maybe you can be there for each other. When he feels tempted to look at porn to call you and you tell him that you would call upon him. Even if you don’t do porn anymore and that is great, just let him know that you too may need help sometimes. I know that some men who did give it up still struggle with it. It is okay to admit that to your brother for it will show him that you are as weak as him and sinful as him and as all of us humans. We are all incline to sin, but we have to strive to be holy for Jesus asked this of us. At this point in his life, he may not be ready to hear that. I would not personally tell his girlfriend or your parents, but that is my opinion. I would first try helping him yourself. Maybe invite him to Confession when you go. Invite him to Mass when you go etc. By your example, he will change for you will just plant the seed and the Lord will make his faith grow in him and as it does, he will beat this addiction. He is a suffering soul to his addiction and you knows this for you were there once.

Pray for him and I will keep both of you in my prayers as well. I know there are great websites out there also that can help and maybe some men will write them down. I know my husband used www.dads.org. You don’t have to be a dad to go there. There is a 12 steps to Freedom from Porn on that site. I know there are more. A good confessor can help for it did for my husband.

Trust God to give you the grace to help your brother and most of all pray. God is the one who can change your brother’s heart and not you. Ask the Father to call your brother to Jesus. I read that somewhere in the Bible. I can’t recall the verse though.
 
  1. Do I tell his girlfriend about this secret myspace account? This seems like a terrible thing to do considering what the outcome may be between he and his girlfriend BUT will this benefit him in any way? Obviously he is not fit for marriage and the life that is required in a marital relationship.
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It’s not your place to tell your brother’s girlfriend about the secret myspace account. This may damage (or even end) their relationship and the fault would be on you. Your brother could grow to resent you which I’m sure you don’t want. It’s his responsibility to be open and honest with his girlfriend, and if he’s not he’ll suffer the consquences.
  1. Do I tell my parents? If I did he would probably be disciplined harshly, and be kicked out of the house. I don’t want that, obviously, but it seems that might bring the harsh reality of the spiritual battle he is facing, and that he really needs to change.
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I think you should have a talk with your brother about what happened and try to help him overcome his problem. If he is truly addicted, then he will not be able to stop his addiction overnight and he might need help. You can do your part for praying for him and asking others to pray for him (you don’t need to mention exactly what his problem is) and if the problem continues to get worse or he’s not trying to stop at all, then maybe tell your parents then.
 
You know, as scripture says, just discuss it with your brother, if you can do that without damaging your relationship.

Maybe you can approach your brother as if YOU had the problem, and ask his advice about it. See if you can get him to verbalize some things about it that may make him reconsider what he is doing.

I can’t give you practical advice about this , but I’ve noticed that people are addicted to things that give them intense feelings – as if they were lacking something to begin with, such as an alternative to wasting time on pornography (which literally means, “devil’s images”). You might look around to see if your brother should be positively oriented to something else.
 
Tough call, but don’t treat him like he is the big evil. MANY guys have this problem, it has become way too easy with the internet especially. This is not something that happens overnight and not somethang that is cured overnight—EXCEPT there is always the possibility of that happening thru prayer.

Your job is to love your brother, and pray for him. Not to tell anyone else of his problem. He is a grown man and needs to deal with this.
Your help should be to support him in prayer and with prayer and to love him.
Beyond that, trust him to God’s love and very real grace.

BTW, do NOT neglect to ask the Blessed Virgin Mary, our Mother , for her prayers in this matter. I can tell you she has a way of making the impossible real, through the graces her Son can send to us thru her. Don’t forget she is a woman and a mother, and you might be surprised how well she knows each of her children ! 😉

So try this:
WITH your brother, say a Rosary every night, without fail, for a month, for his need.
If you do this, from the heart, you will be surprised !
I know, used to sound corny to me, too.
Let me hear back from you in a month !

If Mary could speak to you she might say:
Dear children, Pray, pray, pray ! Trust God.
 
You guys are awesome. Such encouraging and insightful comments…I will definitely bump this thread up in a month or so with an update.
 
Here are a few suggestions that I have for you. To answer the first few questions, no, I would not tell either his girlfriend or your parents. This is something that he has to decide to do or not to do. I would suggest keeping the doors of communication open. If he knows that he has someone that he can come to for help, someone that can hold him accountable, that is a powerful thing.

I would offer him a few things. Have him visit the site www.chastity.com and have him read the following books:

“The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West

and

“Be a Man” by Fr. Larry Richards

These two books are very powerful to help gain a better understanding of sex and what it means to be a man.

Sadly, these issues that he has with pornography (and potentially masturbation) will cause serious damage to his relationship with his girlfriend and (if it so happens) his marriage. I have read about it all too often and have seen it happen. Trust me when I tell you that even the “soft porn” can hurt a relationship.

Be there for him. Be loving. Be understanding. Be respectful. Be prayerful.
 
There are some website filters like the Windows Live Family Safety Filter (which is free). Such a filter gives parents control over the sites family members can visit.

Since you were able to get over your addiction, then I believe you are the best person to help out your brother
 
The whole secret myspace account with slutty women while having a girlfriend of 4-5 years is the part I find very disconcerting. I would be focusing on that ahead of the porn. As has been noted, many men have struggled with porn, yourself included. But I just don’t get having slutty women on the side at all. He is in a long-term relationship, it is completely unacceptable.
 
HisCreation said:
You guys are awesome. Such encouraging and insightful comments…I will definitely bump this thread up in a month or so with an update.
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OK, but PLEASE take up the daily Rosary as I suggested. My guess is you will both be in for a surprise
😉
 
Crumpy said:
Maybe you can approach your brother as if YOU had the problem, and ask his advice about it. See if you can get him to verbalize some things about it that may make him reconsider what he is doing.
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I don’t think this is good advice because it is dishonest. Your brother would probably really think you need help and not clue in he chould change.

Now, as for telling his girlfriend. Check your motives. Do you want to tell her because deep down you want revenge on your brother? Do you have a secret crush on his girlfriend? Or do you feel phony being polite to her face when you know she is being played for a fool. One thing however, ‘Speak now or hold your peace’. If she does choose to marry him telling her would then ruin a marriage so it will no longer be an option. Act now or don’t act at all.

As for telling your mother, as a woman needless to say pron angers me to no end. I have never had kids but I would feel totally slapped in the face if my son watched pron in MY home. Your brother is 26. He is an adult. Living at home is no longer his right it is a priveledge he should be extremely thankful for. Your mom deserve to be respected in her own home. If ever your mom finds out about this and that you knew about it, in my opinion, she would have every right to be just as mad at you.

My opinion

CM
 
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