Help for my friend

[Heather07]

This is what my friend asked me online:

FRIEND: " i need someone to talk to.
what does the bible say about forgiveness?
b/c me and mark (her husband) just had a huge fight.
now is when i wish i was catholic so i could go to confession
but i guess u can be my priest for today…
i have some confessions to make…it wasn’t until a few seconds ago while i was praying that i realized that i hold a lot of grudges against a lot of people for things wrong that they’ve done to me an dthis hate and bitterness and anger that ihave toward them all has just culminated ove rthe years and turned me into this cold heartless bitch in a lot of ways. i’m so hard on mark and instead of being thankful that i have a husband who loves me enough that he’s willing to change, i constantly put him down for being a submissive sissy. my bigesst fault in that area is judging a man by what he does and not who he is. a man is someone who takes care of his wife and family and listens and loves and cares and is honest and that is mark. its just that throughout my life all i’ve ever seen of a man is someone that like sto yell and scream and is cocky
and thats not a man at all. i have to let go of this hate and this bitterness that i have towards those that have hurt b/c they haunt my dreams and my thoughts and my memories and the devil loves every minute of it as it eats me apart and breaks me down"

I copied and pasted this because I figured I would get the best advice if I left everything exactly the way she put it. I am not sure how to help her and answer her question in the right way…can anyone help me to help her, besides prayer, which I am currently doing? Thank you so much!

 

[AlanFromWichita]

First, I am really impressed by her insight.

She is giving us some really good leads to investigate.

She has problems with anger, and with her image of males in general. Even though Mark is not like other men, she still has problems because of that! It’s funny because if I read this right, she hates other men because of the way they are, but hassles her husband because he’s not like them. She seems to have very good insight.

For now that will be a starting place to assume the problem is.

Next she can work on writing an essay on what she wants from a husband. How would she have a husband be?

Also encourage her to check out the book, “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate” by Gary Chapman. I bring this up because his “style” of showing love may be one she does not appreciate, and vice versa. People who have different ways of expressing love may feel unloved by and unable to show love toward the other. The five languages in this book are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch. So he can bring home flowers and a pleasant word every day, but if she really wants the bedroom painted and more physical affection, those things won’t impress her.

The anger is probably the biggest issue, like it is with many people. To lose anger, first one must lose societal opinions that everything must be judged good or bad. People say “judge the sin and not the sinner” but that’s really code for “judge the sinner.” This is easier said than done, but one must lose the idea that stewing over whether ANYTHING in the past is good or bad is valuable. It is what it is. Take it from where you are. If this reasoning sounds funny, don’t worry; it’ll sound better as time goes on.

Also I highly recommend a videotape by Deepak Chopra called “The Seven Spritual Laws of Success.” He also has a book by that name which is probably good but I saw the tape and was completely impressed at this guy’s wisdom and his attitude toward finding peace. He is not Catholic, but he talks at a conceptual level more abstract than doctrine, and I didn’t find any of what he said to be incompatible with Catholic doctrine or mysticism, and in fact was very well in line with it from what I know.

Another thing I learned in crisis intervention training is that you don’t try to sympathize so much, as in “I’m sorry” but try to empathize by showing you understand what they’re saying. Be a good listener by reflecting back what you hear in a reworded form to see if she can verify or clarify it. She may be her own best resource at analyzing this thing, and your listening to her can help. Draw her out. Ask her what she means by this or that until you understand not only what the situation is, but how she feels about it and she knows you know.

You might even try some “reframing” where you take one of her stories, and just toy around with looking at the same thing from another point of view. For example, maybe she can pretend to be in her husband’s shoes and try to figure out how to handle herself when she comes in a rant.

Hope some of this helps. Keep us informed. You seem to have a very wise friend, and one who is willing to work for a good marriage. It would seem this one is already on the way to working itself out, but of course we want to do the best at playing whatever roles we may have in it.

Alan

 

[Heather07]

Thanks so much Alan! I will talk to her again tomorrow and I will try to come back here and let you know how it all went. I believe she is on her way home to the Church, she just doesn’t know it yet.

 

[Lux_et_veritas]

Heather, it looks to me like it might be a great opportunity to plant the seeds that she explore the Catholic faith. Her desire for “confession” may have been a grace from God.

Never push someone, but do look for the right opportunity to ask her to come along and work towards being able to use the wonderful gift of the Sacrament of Penance formally.

 

[The_Angelus]

She wishes she was Catholic? Tell her she can be!!! Newcomers are always welcome!!!

 

[Akanke]

I haven’t read all of the articles on this link, but it was provided to me by another member on the CAF. It may be beneficial for your friend: familyministries.org/FirstYearsForever/archive.htm.

I do hope she is able to resolve these issues. I used to struggle with the same things, anger and an ill-perception of males. I spent a couple years in counseling (well worth every penny) before coming to Catholicism. Since coming home, I have made even greater strides to freedom from these seemingly endless burdens.