Help for my senior family

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DiZent

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I am visiting my dad & step mom this weekend. He is 91 & mostly blind with a bad heart, she is 85, has dementia & is depressed. She had her upper teeth removed & has not been able to adjust to her dentures. She had a TIA over the holidays & was hospitalized for a couple of days. Since this incident, neither one can drive any more. They live alone in a rural area about 4 1/2 hours away from me in another state. I have a couple of brothers who live closer, but still an hour away from them & they are not in physical or financial shape to be of much help. Prior to this latest development, they were eating out (usually at Wendy’s) almost daily. We think they may be eligible for some services, They are not Medicaid eligible (due to assets), but are income eligible for may state & federal services under the older Americans/LIFE act (sliding fee scale according to income); however, reading over the eligibility requirements, their needs may not be severe enough in the necessary areas. Primary needs are shopping, meal prep & proper food storage/disposal. I found lots of food past its expiration dates & spoiled/moldy food in the refrigerator. She insists that there is nothing wrong with this & that she can tell when something is spoiled. Next would be yard work. She took care of it before, but now neither of them can do it. Light housework - lots of clutter - not quite hoarding but close - but they don’t really want “other people moving their stuff”. Hygiene - he does fine, but she is not bathing regularly. Mobility - both are able to walk, but he is very hunched over & needs a cane - has back pain & degenerative spinal condition. Transferring - both can still get in & out of bed, chairs, cars, etc. without help. I have been in contact with the state/county agency. We had already decided that we needed to visit more frequently, but I think they need more immediate service than we can provide with monthly visits
 
If this were my family, we would be making arrangements for them to move in with a family member or into an Assisted Senior Living apartment. The other option would be to hire live in caregiver, however, that is fraught with issues when one is far away.
 
Check to see what senior services are available in their area. A social worker may need to get involved, or perhaps as TheLittleLady suggested, they need to at least be moved closer to you, even if power of attorney is made necessary.
 
We have discussed it. They have 6 dogs, 3 cats & a handful of birds (this is down from 10 dogs a year ago). They are not willing to give them up to enter assisted living & they definitely don’t want a live-in caregiver. They really want to keep as much of their independence as possible. There were 9 children between them. (dad had 4, she had 2, then they adopted 3) 2 are deceased. Of the 3 brothers that live near, one is in poor health, and 2 are in & out of trouble with the law. Another son lives 6 hours away, 3 daughters - live 4-7 hours away. My house is big enough, but they don’t want to live with me. And I don’t want the dogs or birds.
 
The POA are drawn up, they have not signed them. While I was there this weekend, I cleaned his bathroom & organized one cupboard. But it is the refrigerators that need attention & she won’t let anyone do it. I am working with the senior services program here, but they were not available over the long weekend & I am going home tomorrow.
 
You may need to go back for another visit. You may need to get social services involved by calling for a wellness check, and it will be out of your hands what happens after that.

It is difficult when parents get old. Sometimes, things have to be done that they don’t/won’t like, but you have to push forward even if it is not what they want, because it is in their best interest.

I suggest you talk to an Elder care lawyer for some advice on your options.
 
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Irishmom2 said:
It is difficult when parents get old. Sometimes, things have to be done that they don’t/won’t like, but you have to push forward even if it is not what they want, because it is in their best interest.
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This.

The time has come for you, the children, to sort of switch places. Do you have an alarm system installed? How do they reach emergency services if one falls and breaks a hip?

Does meals on wheels come where they are? That is a daily check in.

As an aside, every family should discuss these things far ahead of time, put a plan in place because most of us are going to get old and need more care.
 
Here’s the thing. I get your concerns. I get what you want to do. But if they are competent to make their own decisions, they have the right to live at risk if that’s what they want. You can’t force someone who is cognitively intact into a situation they don’t want.
 
That is the crux of the matter. Are they competent? You may need to become more involved in their lives than you currently are, as in, accompany them to a doctor’s appointment and ask if the doctor can evaluate them for any mental health issues.

I don’t know what your schedule allows, but you may need to make more frequent visits to check on them in person.
 
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My dad is a lawyer. My daughter, his granddaughter is a paralegal & has been acting as counsel - preparing forms to his specifications. He is competent, still sharp, but more physically disabled. Step-mom has some short-term memory loss, but less physical problems. I would not say she is incompetent yet, but should not be driving. One has to be careful about deeming someone incompetent. The POAs have not been signed. I will be going home tomorrow & will definitely be in touch with the senior services program on Wednesday & set up the RN assessment. My daughter will visit them within the next 2 weeks & my son said he can also visit more frequently. I do not want to take their independence away, but they need some in-home help & more frequent family visits to keep that independence
 
It depends on the medical assessment of their competence. If they decide that they don’t want any additional assistance, and they are assessed as being able to make their own decisions, NO ONE has the right to decide that they can’t remain in their home alone.

You can ask. You can support. You can make referrals. But you cannot force someone to accept help if that person is able to understand the consequences of refusing it and does not want the help.
 
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