Help for my sister

[SDMom]

Hi all,

I am seeking some good, honest, Catholic opinions on a situation I am having with my sister. She is six years older than me. She is divorced (and not Catholic … we were not raised up in the faith, but I went through RCIA and became Catholic as an adult). She also has 2 young children, but they live with her Dad and she lives 8 hours away from them. The problem is this: IMHO, she is making A LOT of wrong decisions in her life, and I am struggling with being very judgemental, even resentful towards her. Just to name a few things that have brought me stress lately:

1. She is renting a huge house (5 bedroom, 2 bath), but is the only one living in it. I have told her that she needs to downsize to save money, but she insists that her kids (who don’t live with her) need their own room and she needs the space for all of the stuff (furniture, etc.) that she has accumulated over the years, which she is unwilling to sell or get rid of.
2. Her children only visit her during their school break, but that has changed recently for several reasons which I won’t get into. She says that she calls them every day, and always TRIES to visit but never seems to make it because she either is a) short on money, or b) has to work. The last time she visited them was around Christmas time, for a few days.
3. She asks for money (lots of it) from my aging parents because she says she doesn’t have enough of it, yet recently leased a new, top of the line car. She also doesn’t pay back what she took from them.
4. She is compulsive when it comes to relationships (i.e. tends to jump right into one after one just ended).

She is currently seeking counseling, which I think is a good start. However, her situation continues to bring me stress. I know it is not healthy for me, and it is also affecting my marriage & my children because I am so stressed out about the whole situation and I end up having a short temper at home.

Opinions? and prayers, please!

God Bless you all …

 

[vluvski]

I also have a difficult time dealing with/thinking about my SIL’s family.
I’ve found that the best thing for me to do is sit back, don’t offer unsolicited advice, and just be their friend and a good example. If your parents want to give her money, that’s their deal. I would recommend having a talk with them about enabling or intervention if you are on good terms (I had to have this talk with DH).

If you think she has too much stuff, mention when you clean house and dump your own. I am a horrible packrat, and have been able to let go of many belongings by joining freecycle.org. That way, I know that my perfectly good but no longer used junk is giving someone else satisfaction, and I can probably find another if I need it in the future- either on freecycle, or with the money I save by finding other useful things there.

It’s really sad that she doesn’t value her relationship with her children enough to put seeing them over having rooms for them. I suspect it goes deeper, though, and she feels like she has to compete with their dad as far as lifestyle- as if she has to impress her kids with nice cars and their own rooms. We can only hope this comes up in her counseling.

Otherwise, pray!

 

[LSK]

Is your sister suffering from an alcohol or drug addiction? I don’t mean to be rude or offensive by asking this question but I sponsor a lot of women and almost every newcomer I know begins with this kind of decision making skills…

 

[SDMom]

Is your sister suffering from an alcohol or drug addiction? QUOTE]

It’s interesting that you mention this. She is a smoker, and has been for many, many years.

Any advice? How can I help her? I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall every time I try to share anything with her!

God bless.

 

[SDMom]

just be their friend and a good example.

Yes, thank you for reminding me of the value of being a good example.

If your parents want to give her money, that’s their deal. I would recommend having a talk with them about enabling or intervention if you are on good terms (I had to have this talk with DH).

**Yes, I have spoken to my parents about this. I feel they are completely enabling her, but they insist that “she is their daughter, and as long as she needs help they will give it.” **

It’s really sad that she doesn’t value her relationship with her children enough to put seeing them over having rooms for them. I suspect it goes deeper, though, and she feels like she has to compete with their dad as far as lifestyle- as if she has to impress her kids with nice cars and their own rooms. We can only hope this comes up in her counseling.

I agree. Her material wants/needs supercede her maternal instincts and role, which is unfortunate, to say the least.

Otherwise, pray!

Amen! Thank you!

 

[SDMom]

Is your sister suffering from an alcohol or drug addiction? I don’t mean to be rude or offensive by asking this question but I sponsor a lot of women and almost every newcomer I know begins with this kind of decision making skills…

Yes, actually. She has been a smoker for many, many years. She also drinks wine every night, but insists that she is not addicted to that.

Any advice for me on how to help her? I feel like I am banging my head on a brick wall every time I talk to her. She just doesn’t seem to see or understand the implications of making haste, bad decisions.

God Bless!

 

[johntkd]

Hi all,

I am seeking some good, honest, Catholic opinions on a situation I am having with my sister. She is six years older than me. She is divorced (and not Catholic … we were not raised up in the faith, but I went through RCIA and became Catholic as an adult). She also has 2 young children, but they live with her Dad and she lives 8 hours away from them. The problem is this: IMHO, she is making A LOT of wrong decisions in her life, and I am struggling with being very judgemental, even resentful towards her. Just to name a few things that have brought me stress lately:

1. She is renting a huge house (5 bedroom, 2 bath), but is the only one living in it. I have told her that she needs to downsize to save money, but she insists that her kids (who don’t live with her) need their own room and she needs the space for all of the stuff (furniture, etc.) that she has accumulated over the years, which she is unwilling to sell or get rid of.
2. Her children only visit her during their school break, but that has changed recently for several reasons which I won’t get into. She says that she calls them every day, and always TRIES to visit but never seems to make it because she either is a) short on money, or b) has to work. The last time she visited them was around Christmas time, for a few days.
3. She asks for money (lots of it) from my aging parents because she says she doesn’t have enough of it, yet recently leased a new, top of the line car. She also doesn’t pay back what she took from them.
4. She is compulsive when it comes to relationships (i.e. tends to jump right into one after one just ended).

She is currently seeking counseling, which I think is a good start. However, her situation continues to bring me stress. I know it is not healthy for me, and it is also affecting my marriage & my children because I am so stressed out about the whole situation and I end up having a short temper at home.

Opinions? and prayers, please!

God Bless you all …

prayers i will give as well as an opinion, quit letting her problems affect your life esspecially at home you can lead a horse to water but cannot make them drink…
Its fine to want to help and to try but when it affects your immediate family and home its time to back off a little bit
talk to your priest and see what he can offer you for advice to give your sister.you may need to talk to your parents as well about giving her all this help, sometimes to cure a bad habit you have to let the habit bring someone to rock bottom, i know it sounds heartless but by giving her money every time she wants it they are promoting this abuse…

just my normally useless two cents