Help for Sister's marriage

[jaz]

I have recently found out that one of my sisters is having an affair and threatening to leave her husband. I have tried to reach her today to talk with her. I need advice on the approach I should take with her. I want to be compassionate, like Jesus is, however I am filled with anger. She is the mother of 4 boys, ages 13 to 8. She teaches catechism to the 2nd graders and has been helping them prepare for First Holy Communion. After class, she has been secretly leading a life in the taverns with another man. Other sisters have reached her and have tried to reason with her. In her mind, the marriage is over and it has been all her husband’s fault. The tired old sayings of “I tried to get him to change, but he won’t” "I haven’t felt loved…yadda, yadda, yadda.

She has begun taking medication for depression (since Fall), and continues to drink. I believe the effects of the combination of alcohol and medication have drastically clouded her judgement. She disagrees and says the medicine has mader her happy. She has only admitted to one sister that the affair exists. To the other, she is busily painting a bad picture of her husband.

I want to plead with her, I want to shame her, I want to embarrass her, and I want her to know she can get help.

Personally, I think she is enjoying all this turmoil and attention. All of this at the expense of her faith, morals, and children! Please help. Should I be nice to her. Should I refrain from commenting and only encourage? Any advice is welcomed.

 

[Daisy_Duck]

It’s NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Stay out of it because there are may be factors at work that you know nothing about.

 

[otm]

If you want to help, there are several things you can do.

The first is to listen. Most people don’t know how to do that. It means that youu set aside your opinions, and thoughts, and statements, and actively listen.

To actively listne, you ask questions. You don’t make statements. you Can draw her out, but you never as a question that must be answered with a yes or a no. To do that, all questions must be a who, what, where, why, when or how question. And then you shut up, and let her speak.

Shutting up is the hard part. God gave us two ears and only one mouth, because the mouth does so much, and it is hard for even two ears to work.

You also pray. Hard, and a lot. And then you pray some more.

Odds are, you won’t change her at all. If you do influence her, odds are extremely great that it wont be because of what you told her, but because you were not judgemental. She already has the basic knowledge that she is making wrong choices. She doesn’t need your help there. She already has a pretty good idea of what you think, so surpirse her and do something else.

And be prepared for the worst.

 

[La_Chiara]

You need to recognize (as otm says) that you are probably not going to change her. But I think being “non-judgmental” and just listening to her shirks our responsibilities as Catholics to help correct our brothers’ and sisters’ sinful ways. Recognizing that you probably won’t change her, you should still let her know that having an affair is sinful and you do not approve–whatever her reasons and no matter how she rationalizes it. Try not to get dragged into emotional confrontations. At some point, you may need to put some emotional distance between you and her. Do what you can in kindness to her and to her family without condoning her sinful behavior And pray.

 

[otm]

La Chiara:

You need to recognize (as otm says) that you are probably not going to change her. But I think being “non-judgmental” and just listening to her shirks our responsibilities as Catholics to help correct our brothers’ and sisters’ sinful ways. Recognizing that you probably won’t change her, you should still let her know that having an affair is sinful and you do not approve–whatever her reasons and no matter how she rationalizes it. Try not to get dragged into emotional confrontations. At some point, you may need to put some emotional distance between you and her. Do what you can in kindness to her and to her family without condoning her sinful behavior And pray.

I certainly do not suggest that one shirk one’s duty to give witness. However, if you want someone to listen to you, you need to listen to them.

This is not an issue of witness, however, as her sister (as I understand her first post) was raised in a way that the sister should have no question but that her choices are wrong and sinful. She doesn’t need to be told what she already knows; she is already ignoring those who do that.

Repeating the same action over and over and expecting a different result is a good definiton of insanity. Others have told her she is wrong to be playing around and drinking. Why continue what she has been told and ignored?

If anyone is going to help this woman, it is going to be by doing something different. No one is listening to her; they are just telling her how wrong she is.

If you have never been to a counselor, then it may be you would not understand how they work. They listen actively - they ask a lot of questions - and many of the questions are designed to make the person being counseled think, and probe, and ask themselves why. The counselor says very little in terms of telling the one counseled what is wrong. What they do is help, through questions, the person identify for themselves what is wrong.

I would suggest again that listening is way more likely to help her sister than repeating what everyone else is doing.

And none of what I suggest would be taken as condoning the behavior, if it is done right.

 

[La_Chiara]

jaz:

I want to plead with her, I want to shame her, I want to embarrass her, and I want her to know she can get help.

Personally, I think she is enjoying all this turmoil and attention. All of this at the expense of her faith, morals, and children!

otm–I hear you. But this quote from “jaz” would suggest that the situation has gone beyond non-judgmentally listening. Indeed, that approach would seem to be best used by a trained counselor. I think most people who are as emotionally involved as “jaz” are probably not capable of the detached emotions that a trained counselor can use. I know you mean well. But I think your approach is near impossible for a family member to employ at the stage “jaz” is at.

 

[otm]

La Chiara:

otm–I hear you. But this quote from “jaz” would suggest that the situation has gone beyond non-judgmentally listening. Indeed, that approach would seem to be best used by a trained counselor. I think most people who are as emotionally involved as “jaz” are probably not capable of the detached emotions that a trained counselor can use. I know you mean well. But I think your approach is near impossible for a family member to employ at the stage “jaz” is at.

Yes, I would agree with you. However, she asked what she could do. I feel whe is entitled to what I feel is an honest and useful answer. If se can’t do that, then she should consider what I said, which is “shut up”.

The attmepts to help the sister by showing her her sinfulness are well meant. All they will do is drive a bigger wedge between them; a wedge put there by the other sister, driven by the other sister, but blamed on those who try to help.