Help - Husband says he's bisexual

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Gemma2

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Hello to all,

I’m in great need of help.

My husband recently told me that he is bisexual. He says that he loves me emotionally but will always think of men in an intimate way and is unsure if he can be a husband to me in a complete way.

I hurt for him as I cannot imagine what he is going through emotionally and spiritually. However, I am also angry, confused and heartbroken.

Thank you!
 
You both need marital counseling and individual counseling…at minimum.

You also need to make really firm boundaries and be extremely clear that this is NOT an open marriage and he has NO right to take his desires elsewhere while married to you…even if he has decided that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you anymore.

That does not mean he has a right to take anything elsewhere.

Also, whether or not you think he’s gone outside of the marriage…get STD testing…just to be safe.
 
Kelfa28, thank you for your response and suggestions.

We are both in therapy at this time and I’ve been tested for STDs – am in the clear most thankfully.

I’ve also been very clear to him that this cannot be an open marriage. That he must be able to honestly love me as a husband should love his wife. He says he’s not sure that he can.

When he told me this, I thought “how will this work?”.

I keep praying for guidance and help.
 
Kelfa28 said:
You both need marital counseling and individual counseling…at minimum.

You also need to make really firm boundaries and be extremely clear that this is NOT an open marriage and he has NO right to take his desires elsewhere while married to you…even if he has decided that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you anymore.

That does not mean he has a right to take anything elsewhere.

Also, whether or not you think he’s gone outside of the marriage…get STD testing…just to be safe.
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Well stated.
 
Well…being in the same situation all I can say is that I did try to overcome it…I tried a lot. I am still trying, actually.

But one thing I did not do well is really face the root cause of my bisexuality until very recently when I finally wrote it all out. I think in tracing back to when the thoughts and feelings began I got back to a point when I was younger and infatuated with a friend in a very deep way, but that because of my actions our friendship ended rather abruptly and left this deep-seated and unresolved emotional state and attraction that I kept trying to project onto others as I grew older–that and the fact that my dad was hardly around in a meaningful way when I was in need of paternal patterning.

I don’t know if this would help your husband, but I would be willing to share my story with him, or I would be glad to talk things out further with you. Either way. Look, all I can show you is the other side of things, but maybe it will give you some insight. I don’t know. I wish I could tell you I knew a cure, but identifying the source at least gave me something to work from. I think I have made progress, but everyone and every cause is likely different. I wish you peace.
 
Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers.

TridentH, thank you for sharing your story here. It’s very well expressed and helpful to read. It’s also quite nice of you to offer to share your journey with me or my husband. Thank you.
 
Your husband says he, “will always think of men in an intimate way.” This is troubling because he is not referring to simply an impulse (which can be argued is not of his choosing), but rather a choice in what to think about. It sounds unrepentant.
 
Kelfa28 said:
You both need marital counseling and individual counseling…at minimum.

You also need to make really firm boundaries and be extremely clear that this is NOT an open marriage and he has NO right to take his desires elsewhere while married to you…even if he has decided that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you anymore.

That does not mean he has a right to take anything elsewhere.

Also, whether or not you think he’s gone outside of the marriage…get STD testing…just to be safe.
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This. Excellent advice through and through. Please visit the sacraments often so they can offer you strength.
 
Gemma2 said:
Kelfa28, thank you for your response and suggestions.

We are both in therapy at this time and I’ve been tested for STDs – am in the clear most thankfully.

I’ve also been very clear to him that this cannot be an open marriage. That he must be able to honestly love me as a husband should love his wife. He says he’s not sure that he can.

When he told me this, I thought “how will this work?”.

I keep praying for guidance and help.
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Here is my opinion…and only my opinion.

For me…if I was in this situation and there were no children involved…I’d seek a divorce and apply for an annulment…immediately.

If there were children involved…it would probably be the most difficult decision of my life…but I’d stay in the marriage, continue the counseling and stop marital relations…for my own health and protection.

I’d also do everything in my power to protect my kids. I couldn’t imagine splitting custody and knowing what my children could be exposed to…going over their dad’s house.

But this is my opinion.
 
Thanks to you all so much for the thoughts and prayers.

Unfortunately children are involved.

I will visit the sacraments often for strength and I thank you all for your extreme kindness and generosity of spirit. I do not feel alone anymore.
 
Kelfa28 said:
You both need marital counseling and individual counseling…at minimum.

You also need to make really firm boundaries and be extremely clear that this is NOT an open marriage and he has NO right to take his desires elsewhere while married to you…even if he has decided that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you anymore.

That does not mean he has a right to take anything elsewhere.

Also, whether or not you think he’s gone outside of the marriage…get STD testing…just to be safe.
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This, a thousand times.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, Gemma.

I would tell your husband that although he’s bisexual, he needs to honour the vows he made to you on your wedding day. I would also tell him that just because you are having marital issues, it doesn’t mean he can be any less of a father to your children. I would also recommend you talk to your Priest, if you haven’t done so already, to get extra support.

:hug1:

Lou
 
So sorry Gemma,

Did he disclose this before you married? If not, that might be grounds for annulment. I agree about speaking to your priest and, depending on what he does, you will at least know what to do.

I am praying for you.
 
I do not understand. Is your husband under the impression that heterosexual men do not have to be concerned about looking at women who aren’t their wives “in an intimate way”?

OK, so he’s not dead. He’s also not morally incompetent. If he wants to honor the vows he made when he married, he can do it. If he wants to find an excuse for doing otherwise, well, he can get in line with everyone else, because he is not the only man who occasionally thinks of how green the grass on the other side of the fence looks. That is no excuse for adultery, and according to the Lord, looking on someone else with lust is already to have committed adultery with the person.

I totally second the poster who said the husband needs to understand very clearly that he may not have any sex–not casual sex, not “meaningful” sex, not safe sex, not phone sex, not emotional-only sex, not imaginary sex, even–with anyone else while he is still married to the OP. If you’re married, be all in, like you said the day you married. Otherwise, you’re cheating on a promise you have the power to keep and violating the trust of your spouse.
 
Gemma2 said:
Thanks to you all so much for the thoughts and prayers.

Unfortunately children are involved.

I will visit the sacraments often for strength and I thank you all for your extreme kindness and generosity of spirit. I do not feel alone anymore.
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The sacraments are everything for me and I lean on them heavily when life gets tough.

They are such a lifeline.

I’ll say some prayers for your whole family.

I would talk to a priest if you haven’t already.

As much as I would want to say you should look into Divorce and annulment…this is one of those complicated situations that isn’t black and white.
 
I’m confused. Is he saying he is bisexual or homosexual?

If he’s homosexual, seek divorce and annulment.

If he’s bisexual, then what’s the problem? It doesn’t matter what gender he isn’t cheating in you with.
 
MJJean said:
I’m confused. Is he saying he is bisexual or homosexual?

If he’s homosexual, seek divorce and annulment.

If he’s bisexual, then what’s the problem? It doesn’t matter what gender he isn’t cheating in you with.
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I agree that this distinction is important. Also, is he finally admitting something to you that has been a secret burden of his all this time and is seeking honest acceptance or is he basically informing you that he is suddenly interested in seeking comfort elsewhere?
 
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