Gliggle and Lily Bernans, I TOTALLY relate to your posts. I was very much a loner my whole life and most of my hobbies are things that require time and quiet and space… ie completely incompatible with having small children nearby. I spent most of my life before being a perfectionist and just being quiet in observation and thought. I was capable of interacting with my peers, but I usually spent time with people at least 10 years older than me. I always identified that with my personality, and having children has shown me there is so much more to me than writing, reading, art, etc. that I never delved into before because I never had to! God has definitely given me a wonderful opportunity for growth. Now that I do have to, I find the less attention I pay to how I “feel” about it, the better. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost my true personality. I guess that feeling is causing some of the guilt for not liking children much, like I’m blaming them and that’s not fair. Thanks for helping me understand that better so I can let it go. Interesting point about CS Lewis! I do believe I can be a positive person in the lives of children.
I question if women/females have a true personality. I am a completely different creation from when I was a child; from when I was a teen-ager; from my young adulthood to now. Women have extreme outward & inward changes we experience. Month to month, we have cycles that rock our boats influencing our physical, mental, & spiritual beings. Further, our “right of maturity” stages (puberty, parenting, and old age) more extreme than males. This is not to say that men do not change. In fact, they change as drastically as females do, but they do so in a slow consistance pace which often leaves them confused on how they got to the next level. Anyways, my point is that this change in your identity tha you are experiencing is a combination of children and the mature growth your stage of life is at.
Think of yourself as a caterpillar who has gone into transformation. This is your quiet time of change. It is not your first time of transformation; nor will it be your last time of change (God willing). You are using nestalgia to help you cope with the change. However, it seems you are fixated on focusing on the negative feelings of the past. I would recommend that you have a religious ceremony and burry the ugly feeling that are filling up your head and lift up to God the good from the past and present. When I burry my past/present negativity, I usually use my foot to dig in the dirt to outwardly remind me to burry it. With the good I lift my hands up to the sky to give it to God.
My husband’s grandmother used to call him “my little shadow”. Since I learned of this it helps me to embrace the difficult task of being followed around with no independent time. I have gave up on keeping my hobbies/activities to myself. I try (very hard) to include my little shadows in everything. They cook with me … Clean with me … Pray with me … And I find I reaLly want the private time when I have to learn … But I offer my learning struggles to them so that they may learn (defiantly, not my favorite!!!). Most of the time I have to fake it.
I remember having a meltdown over getting pictures into a photo album. I yelled, screamed cried, and tossed all the loose pictures in the air. After I calmed down, there was a Daniel Tiger (PBS tv show) with parents frustrated with the kids. I got angry (in my thoughts) that I was not smart enough to deal with the situation as the tv show did. Then it occurred to me that the TV show was offering me a blue print on how to deal with the situation (frustration) in the future. Now, we watch Daniel Tiger to teach mommy. I may never be as good as a tv show, but I will always strive to do better.
Now, go out and have a tea party of your own, and make washing the dishes part of play time. Peace be with you.
