Help I have SSA

[LCMS_No_More]

The advice you have been given in this thread is good, and I would only add this: be patient. I, for a long while, thought I was gay, but it inexplicably went away recently. I have been contemplating why it went away, and I have, I think, come up with the following reasons:

-Poor body image. I just didn’t take care of myself and didn’t present myself to others very well. I, therefore, resented other young men who did take care of themselves and who did present themselves well, and I misunderstood that insecurity as attraction. Because I couldn’t identify with other young men, I regressed or subconsciously identified with young women. But as I ate better and worked out, my body image improved. And with Jesus, I was able to identify with a man.

Anyway, that’s my pseudoscience. Be patient is my advice, you never know who you might change.

SSA’s causes are not known and are probably different for everyone. For you, getting your body image issues dealt with by getting into shape is what you needed in order to gain healing. Good for you!

 

[ladybri77]

SSA’s causes are not known and are probably different for everyone. For you, getting your body image issues dealt with by getting into shape is what you needed in order to gain healing. Good for you!

There have been many studies done regarding the environmental causes (see above) for SSA, even though different for everyone, most of the signs point to these causes. The heredity causes (“gay gene”) have never been proven which doesn’t rule them out totally. It seems that society is deceived into thinking people are born with it when it has never been proven.

Either way, it’s a state of man’s fallen sin nature in this world which includes diseases and anomalies of all kinds, emotional as well as physical.

 

[LCMS_No_More]

How can you say that about support groups? Have you been in Courage?

Actually, it depends on what your goal is. Courage exists to help Catholics with SSA live chaste lives, nothing more, nothing less. I used to go to Courage meetings almost every week, including occasional outings. Most of the time, we were all on guard because of “the struggle.” Everything revolved around that and it became very burdensome. I spent more time in fear that I was messing up by noticing this guy or that guy that I could never mentally relax and enjoy life as it came (mindful of temptation but not preoccupied with it). Additionally, healing is not the goal of Courage and hanging around with other men with SSA is not conducive to healing.

I found the greatest healing after I stopped going to the meetings and made friends with a straight man who is very understanding and supportive. He knows of what I’ve gone through and probably knows me better than I know myself and yet he’s there for me. Because of that, I’ve felt I had someone who “had my back” so I could deal with my underlying SSA issues and I’ve made a great deal of progress. A lot of the more difficult hurdles have been dealt with and I’m not sexually drawn to men nearly as much as before. Of course, I’d notice the occasional man, but it’s not bothersome like it used to be. I see him differently. Now my struggle is about self-confidence and body shame issues so I can feel confident in approaching women for friendship and/or dating.

 

[Windfish]

LCMS_No_More, you said that you are obese. Maybe you have the same body image issues I had?

 

[LCMS_No_More]

There have been many studies done regarding the environmental causes (see above) for SSA, even though different for everyone, most of the signs point to these causes. The heredity causes (“gay gene”) have never been proven which doesn’t rule them out totally. It seems that society is deceived into thinking people are born with it when it has never been proven.

Either way, it’s a state of man’s fallen sin nature in this world which includes diseases and anomalies of all kinds, emotional as well as physical.

Actually, I’ve never believed one is “born that way.” I’d hate to think I was born with one of those “take-it-back-to-the-store” type of defects.

I simply meant to say that there are a lot of possible factors relative to SSA and what causes it for one may not cause it for another; therefore, what heals it for one may have no effect on another. For this poster, he needed to deal with his body-shame issues. Bully for him! For me, it’s having a supportive “best friend” who has helped me through a lot of the issues that underlie my own SSA. Some never find a way out or don’t believe there is a way and they live their lives with SSA. Some live chaste and some don’t. It’s important to support those who are chaste and make them feel welcome in the Church and not like outcasts. It’s also essential to encourage those who aren’t chaste to live their lives right and make them feel welcome in the Church, not like there’s a red H on their forehead.

 

[ladybri77]

Actually, I’ve never believed one is “born that way.” I’d hate to think I was born with one of those “take-it-back-to-the-store” type of defects.

I simply meant to say that there are a lot of possible factors relative to SSA and what causes it for one may not cause it for another; therefore, what heals it for one may have no effect on another. For this poster, he needed to deal with his body-shame issues. Bully for him! For me, it’s having a supportive “best friend” who has helped me through a lot of the issues that underlie my own SSA. Some never find a way out or don’t believe there is a way and they live their lives with SSA. Some live chaste and some don’t. It’s important to support those who are chaste and make them feel welcome in the Church and not like outcasts. It’s also essential to encourage those who aren’t chaste to live their lives right and make them feel welcome in the Church, not like there’s a red H on their forehead.

Yes, the body shame issues are part of the emotional issues I’m referring to, environmental here meaning shame, abuse, neglect, abandonment, rejection etc instigated by parents or influential people in the important stages of one’s life.

Right, they say that having a supportive friend or one who hasn’t struggled but understands and can be a good role model is an essential part of healing, not essential as we all haven’t had these people but very healing nonetheless for the overcomer.

I know I sound research oriented, but I love to look at the root cause of this as I’ve struggled with emotional abuse and shaming in my life with low self-esteem. I’m not blaming this on my mother since I chose to believe some of the criticisms, etc. coming my way, but she was very shaming and I adopted it as my own. When we’re broken, we seem to look towards the same sex to see ourselves in order to repair ourselves.

I’ve also been a part of Courage and Exodus. I found help in both of them, however, Exodus was really life changing as the Lord met me there in a profound way. I got a lot out of it, but I wasn’t able to go much since it was 1.5 hours away from me.

I can understand your feeling about Courage since it’s not focused on healing which could lead some to white-knuckling and avoiding temptation. I found that when I was open to God’s spirit moving in the group, it felt good to be with others with the same struggle who believed in God and wanted to be chaste and/or healed, so it was very supportive that way. I’m glad you found ways to heal and that God put a special friend there for you who was understanding.

I still have a ways to go with healing too and will be joining a Living Waters group. It’s a ministry that helps you deal with relational and sexual brokenness, mother/father wounds, etc. So even people with BDD or shame issues or whatever can meet God there and experience healing. But I was told the purpose of the group is to get closer to God and experience His love, not necessarily to be healed so that we don’t make it an idol, which I know for broken people would be easy to do since we desire relief. The healing is secondary. Keeping your eyes on God and a relationship with Him is key.

 

[LCMS_No_More]

LCMS_No_More, you said that you are obese. Maybe you have the same body image issues I had?

Of that, there can be no doubt! I like to joke around: “I’m ‘the bomb’ from the neck up, it’s the neck down that’s a problem.” I’m actually quite handsome and have a brilliant mind (not bragging, just an honest assessment as well as the opinion of a lot of people I know), I’m just very fluffy below the neck. My personality isn’t a problem…people who get to know me tend to like me.

 

[Philology]

Based on your writing style, I am guessing that you are young. The advice given above is very good, and I would follow it, but I like to add this note to young people struggling with SSA: you’re not struggling with anything that anyone else in your life isn’t struggling with. All youth are called to perfect abstinence until marriage, which is typically 10 - 15 years after the onset of sexual desire. Regardless of whether you’re heterosexual or not, we’re all in the same abstinent boat until we’re older, and it’s hard for everyone.

This doesn’t help at all on a practical level, but I find it comforting to remember that I’m not an isolated minority struggling with these problems. I’m just one more young human male trying to learn to live with a sexual faculty that is completely out of control.

I’ll keep you in my prayers all the same, Philology.

On an unrelated note, I discourage people from responding to bingbang. He is disingenuous, sardonic, deliberately provocative (especially in threads where calm, peaceful counsel is most urgent), and, rather than admitting error, he abandons threads when it becomes clear that he is incorrect. Put another way, bingbang is a particularly articulate troll. I would like to see him reform and become a productive (if dissenting) contributor to this community, but to date I have seen no evidence of a desire to do that. I see only deliberate attempts at disruption, and I would hate to see him derail yet another valuable thread of counsel.

I know that my writting is not up to par, and I must admit I was in quite a hurry (so as to not be suspected by my parents). Of course I also suffer from minor paranoia issues, which does not help my being SSA (Same sex attracted). However, you are correct in identifying me as a young individual (15). I thank you greatly for your advice, and may Iesu Christus guide you.