H
HallowHorn117
Guest
So I’ve struggled with a crippling fear and horror of the priesthood ever since I was 8. Growing up I always felt less then human in a sense, that I wasn’t meant to live good life where I would get married and have a family. I always felt like my life was meant to be a sacrifice of suffering where I would either become homeless, go in the military, or and most feared of them all become a Catholic priest. Don’t get me wrong I love the Catholic priesthood but knowing that I would spend my life living and dying alone. Knowing so much of my life would be defined by my ministry rather then by who I am as a person. Knowing I would be rejected by my family for becoming a Catholic priest and knowing that I would have to embrace my single greatest fear leaves my absolutely destroyed emotionally. When I contemplate getting married I find a wellspring of joy peace excitement energy and flourishing with the exception of one thing… I don’t feel like I’d be doing enough or suffering enough. It’s strange…I know God is truth goodness and beauty itself. That he is love and wills the greatest possible good for me but when I approach what makes me happy what brings me joy what brings me success and flourishing as well as what I desire most in this world that being marriage (or at least this is what I think) I feel like God is not asking me to do this but rather is asking me to become a priest…to take out my heart with all its hopes and dreams longings and desires and to rip it still beating from my chest and carve into it and only then will he be satisfied if I do this convincing myself that it is good and is what he desires. This confuses me that I experience this pain so viscerally and physically. I’ve spent some time (a month in a half although it felt much longer) in religious life and found that while it was beautiful and good and brought me very close to the lord I found the prospect of doing this all my life distressing and found the concept of diocesan priesthood more so alarming. Whilst there I couldn’t shake this wellspring of hope in my heart that maybe I am called to marriage maybe human life is good true and beautiful and if marriage is actually holy how could I say no to a life so beautiful and extraordinary. This hope eventually lead me out of religious life as despite all my effort I could not bring myself to kill what little hope for goodness in this life I had left. So now here I am studying to become a teacher something I very very strongly want to do and am loving life and excited for the future for one of the first times in years. But…ever present in the corner of my mind is that constant call that says “your not doing enough, your not suffering enough, take and carve, drink this cup of suffering I have poured out for you and forsake all goodness in this life.” It’s driving me mad…much to the point of wailing weeping and groveling on the ground in interior turmoil over what truly is the voice of God in this struggle. If anyone has advice on how to overcome this it would be greatly appreciated
