Help! I've been invited to a wedding and I don't know how to respond

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Happy2bcatholic

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Question #1: I have the following situation in my family, should I go to the wedding and if not what is the best way to handle this? :

1st cousin (Roman Catholic with all sacraments) was married in Catholic Church to a Roman catholic.
He had 2 kids by his wife.
Wife has left him and he has suffered significant grief as a result of that and over going over copious court proceedings to gain custody of children.
He found a girlfriend who is divorced with children. No annullment. I think she is episcopal
He is going to marry her next month (just got invitation).
He is getting married at his house. Don’t know what kind of official will be there at the wedding.
He is converting to episcopalism.

He feels that the episcopal church has holy orders despite gays priests and female priests being allowed in their denomination. His fear is that annullment would make his kids look illegitamite in the eyes of others and he feels that he had a viable marriage despite the fact that his ex-wife has been to many pyscharitrists for a while and various chicandry found out about her dealing with custody battles. My counsel to him seemed to have no effect.

Another family member told me that years ago she decided to not attend a wedding of a nephew because of similar circumstances and now is regretful and that she will be attending the wedding of my cousin. She said that back then she was more immature in her faith and now she sees God’s mercy and that this cousin of mine is a good man and father and deserves to be with someone and in due time all things will work out and God will judge him lightly in light of all he has gone through.

And of course the wedding is 1 week prior to my big bash for my parent’s birthday party at our home so we’ll probably have few in attendance and some of those who come might have a ‘tude’ but I’m willing to sacrifrice for the Lord, as long as it pleases Him.

Question # 2: In the interest in saving face with my family and still respecting God I’d like to explore this from a different angle. Suppose a protestant friend got married in their protestant church and they invited you, you would most likely go. So what is the difference here other than my cousin USED TO BE or at least soon USED TO BE catholic. I mean my cousin perhaps never really understood his faith (although his parents are very devout). So maybe we (meaning catholics) never really ‘had’ him as a member. And so he is finding his place in the Espicopalian church although erroneous church. So if a friend was episcopalian and married in it and asked me to attend I’d say ok. So what is the difference here? I know the church sees my cousin’s wedding as adultery but again perhaps he doesn’t fully understand and therefore not fully culpable – although he is definitely NOT invincibly ignorant. He can read a book and explore but he has chosen not to. Your thoughts? Just trying to make my life easier. Thanks.
 
Would you characterize your cousin as poorly catechized, deliberately ignorant or actively hostile to the Catholic church at this point? I ask because it makes a difference why your cousin is becoming an Episcopalian. Is it because he is choosing to deny or ignore the Truth or because he simply never really “got it” in the first place?

I have a friend from high school who was married to a seemingly wonderful lady. They had three lovely children. Until one day he found out his third child wasn’t his, but another man’s and she left him and took the kids with her. Obviously, my friend was devastated, doubly so because he, his wife and her lover all worked together in a music group in their church. After their divorce, he became very bitter and rarely saw his children. He met another very nice woman of another religion and after a very brief (like six weeks) romance, they married in a civil ceremony.

Now, this friend of mine isn’t Catholic, but he was a Christian. He was burned pretty bad by his first wife, but I would have felt very uncomfortable attending his second wedding were I invited. (Mercifully, I didn’t have to make that choice, as they wed overseas.)

I don’t think there is a strict obligation for you to not attend. But if you feel uncomfortable attending because you know that without an annullment your cousin is committing adultery, then I would stay away from the wedding. Surely you can find something else to do that day that will make you “too busy to attend” without causing a big scene at the next family gathering. You don’t need to elaborate or make an impassioned speech about why you aren’t going to be there. Just say, “I’m sorry, but I have another obligation I can’t get out of. Have a nice time.”

Send a card saying “May God bless you both” which is neutral enough not to imply that you are wishing them a happy marriage, which you can’t until they can be sacramentally married.

Could you find someone who has had their marriage annulled to talk to your cousin about the process if you think his marriage has a good chance of being granted an annullment? Show him a Catholic Answer book or another source that clearly spells out that his children would not be “illegitimate” if he received an annullment. Let him know that if he receives the annullment he could ask for permission to be married in an Episcopal church without leaving the Catholic faith. Lastly, point him to Cardinal Newman’s autobiography in which he discovered that Anglican/Episcopalian holy orders were not valid and see what your cousin says then.

Best of luck
 
Also if you look under the Ask an Apologist forum on the 6th page, you will find some helpful information under the thread entitled Catholic marrying outside of Catholic Church answered by Jim Blackburn. He answered my question well and he has put a link you can click on called Should I Attend?; helping one to discern whether or not to attend an invalid marriage. I hope that this helps, it has made things clearer for me.
 
I say go to the wedding. They are asking you to share in their moment. What good would come from not going? A rift in the family? God may have not wanted your cousin to leave the church, but he also doesn’t want families to break apart. You have already stated your mind to your cousin, leave it at that and share their day with them.
 
The Hidden Life:
Would you characterize your cousin as poorly catechized, deliberately ignorant or actively hostile to the Catholic church at this point? I ask because it makes a difference why your cousin is becoming an Episcopalian. Is it because he is choosing to deny or ignore the Truth or because he simply never really “got it” in the first place?

Well I’d say that I truthfully don’t know. I do know that his parents are devout. I know that his sister converted to Epsicopalianism. I know that she has a degree from an IVY league college but still thinks that the Catholic church is wrong. I’d say that I truthfully don’t know. I did talk to him about our faith and he said that he disagreed. His Mom has talked to him also soooo maybe perhaps he is being deliberately ignorant. Thanks for your reflections.
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Sonya:
Also if you look under the Ask an Apologist forum on the 6th page, you will find some helpful information under the thread entitled Catholic marrying outside of Catholic Church answered by Jim Blackburn. He answered my question well and he has put a link you can click on called Should I Attend?; helping one to discern whether or not to attend an invalid marriage. I hope that this helps, it has made things clearer for me.
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Thank you. I had read that e-mail when I did a search and I tried to go to ‘Should I Attend’ but the connection failed. So I went to the publisher of the article, Catholics United for the faith and I submitted the same question as I did above in lieau of the article. Thank you.
 
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mjdonnelly:
I say go to the wedding. They are asking you to share in their moment. What good would come from not going? A rift in the family? God may have not wanted your cousin to leave the church, but he also doesn’t want families to break apart. You have already stated your mind to your cousin, leave it at that and share their day with them.
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THank you for your advice. I agree that God does not want family rifts. But I’m not sure if I should or should not attend still. I’m going to have to pray about it. If you can give me further reflection it would be very helpful. Thank you.
 
You need to pray…and decide if YOU think it’s right to go or not to go.
  • Don’t go because your family thinks you should go.
  • Don’t stay away because other people think you should stay away.
If you want to show public support to him, then go. If you don’t think you should show public support, then don’t go!

Don’t go just to “avoid a family rift”. If you think he’s making a big mistake, as bad as you feel for what’s happened to him, then don’t show up for it. Send back your RSVP and say no, you won’t be attending. Send a gift, if you’d like. (I’d send a gift like a book about God’s love, written from a Catholic perspective, personally!)
My cousin is getting married later this month, in a Catholic Church, and then having, apparently, an elegant reception at a country club afterwards. We got the invitation to the “adults only” reception. It’s a good 3 hour drive away from home for me.

I sent it back the same day, writing on the RSVP “I’m so sorry we won’t be able to make it! We hope to see you both soon, though!”

Adults only. OK, they certainly have every right to have such a reception if they wish. They do. But I have five kids, and the youngest is not even 1. There is no way I am either hiring a sitter to stay with all my kids for 18 hours on a summer weekend (3 hours out, 3 hours back, plus time for the wedding and the reception while we’re there.)…or taking a sitter WITH us to watch our kids in a hotel while we go to the wedding and reception.

My mom is TICKED at me. She thinks I should have at least made the effort to go. My uncle said my cousin really wants us all there.

You know what? I don’t really care! 🙂 I’m not being mean. This just does not fit into my life right now. That’s that. My responsibility is to myself and my kids. Not to my mom or my uncle or even my cousin–whose fiance I have never even met.

Make your decision based on what YOU feel is best. And everyone else can just DEAL WITH IT!!! 👍
 
Good for you, Kristalyn! Wow! Someone who puts their family of choice first, ahead of expectations from EXTENDED family of origin! That post was a great witness to me 🙂
 
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Princess_Abby:
Good for you, Kristalyn! Wow! Someone who puts their family of choice first, ahead of expectations from EXTENDED family of origin! That post was a great witness to me 🙂
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Thanks, Princess Abby! I hope it helps you, and you remember it! (I have to say: I love your name…my 5 year old is named Abigail, and we call her Princess Abby sometimes!!)

I feel confident that I am doing the right thing, in God’s eyes, by prioritizing this way: “…and the two shall become one flesh. That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife.” To me, we still are called to honor our father and mother…but when we marry, we are one with our spouse. When the situation arises, my responsibility is to my husband and my kids. THis is my family, and I make my decisions based on WHAT IS BEST for THIS family.

Lots of times, my mom doesn’t like it. Oh well. 😉 Not my problem. I try to explain myself, but I do not apologize for it.

Gotta be strong! We gotta hold these families together!!
 
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Happy2bcatholic:
Question #1: I have the following situation in my family, should I go to the wedding and if not what is the best way to handle this? :

1st cousin (Roman Catholic with all sacraments) was married in Catholic Church to a Roman catholic.
He had 2 kids by his wife.
Wife has left him and he has suffered significant grief as a result of that and over going over copious court proceedings to gain custody of children.
He found a girlfriend who is divorced with children. No annullment. I think she is episcopal
He is going to marry her next month (just got invitation).
He is getting married at his house. Don’t know what kind of official will be there at the wedding.
He is converting to episcopalism.

He feels that the episcopal church has holy orders despite gays priests and female priests being allowed in their denomination. His fear is that annullment would make his kids look illegitamite in the eyes of others and he feels that he had a viable marriage despite the fact that his ex-wife has been to many pyscharitrists for a while and various chicandry found out about her dealing with custody battles. My counsel to him seemed to have no effect.

Another family member told me that years ago she decided to not attend a wedding of a nephew because of similar circumstances and now is regretful and that she will be attending the wedding of my cousin. She said that back then she was more immature in her faith and now she sees God’s mercy and that this cousin of mine is a good man and father and deserves to be with someone and in due time all things will work out and God will judge him lightly in light of all he has gone through.

And of course the wedding is 1 week prior to my big bash for my parent’s birthday party at our home so we’ll probably have few in attendance and some of those who come might have a ‘tude’ but I’m willing to sacrifrice for the Lord, as long as it pleases Him.

Question # 2: In the interest in saving face with my family and still respecting God I’d like to explore this from a different angle. Suppose a protestant friend got married in their protestant church and they invited you, you would most likely go. So what is the difference here other than my cousin USED TO BE or at least soon USED TO BE catholic. I mean my cousin perhaps never really understood his faith (although his parents are very devout). So maybe we (meaning catholics) never really ‘had’ him as a member. And so he is finding his place in the Espicopalian church although erroneous church. So if a friend was episcopalian and married in it and asked me to attend I’d say ok. So what is the difference here? I know the church sees my cousin’s wedding as adultery but again perhaps he doesn’t fully understand and therefore not fully culpable – although he is definitely NOT invincibly ignorant. He can read a book and explore but he has chosen not to. Your thoughts? Just trying to make my life easier. Thanks.
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I don’t know… what do you think? if you are a practicing Catholic who believes as you should, would your presence give the wrong impression? I see nothing wrong with just sending a card or gift or both… i don’t see the need to bless it with your presence, nor do i think the sky will fall in if you go… search your heart, talk to your pastor… then make a fully informed decision… just don’t sit around wondering… go if you Must go… but take responsibility for your choice… 👍
 
What does it mean to atttend a wedding? Are you giving witness before God that this is a sacramental union (because after all marriage is a sacrament)? Jesus asks much of us. He asks us to sacrifice for His kingdom. Sometimes that means giving up something we want dearly. Not attending this wedding does not mean cutting off the relationship. I would let the person know that you love him and his children and because you want to best for him, you can not attend this wedding because right now in the eyes of the church he is not free to marry. Love him and the family but give witness to what you know is right before God.
 
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