V
vash88
Guest
For years now I’ve been struggling with pride, stubbornness and sloth, along with depression and some various disabilities. I was a cradle protestant (baptized as a Methodist) who would only go to Church on Holidays growing up.
So, growing up that way, it’s sort of been indoctrinated in my heart that it’s okay to not go to Mass every week, even though in my mind, after getting older (I’m 28 now), I know it’s not. I have cerebral palsy and mild autism so I can’t drive which makes it difficult to go to Mass on cold days anyway. So I’ve been kind of lazy, having been taught that God understands my disadvantages, and that He doesn’t give up on us. I was also taught that growing in Holiness takes time, which further encouraged me to be lazy (not that that was the intention of the lesson). I’ve been coddled due to my various conditions and I’m kind of scared of the “real world” so to speak now that I’m older.
Recently, in the last couple of years, I’ve slowly started to understand on an intellectual level the wrongheadedness of the way I was brought up. But it’s a battle considering that the way I was brought up has been ingrained in me obviously. There was also a long dark period in my late teens where I was severely depressed and questioned very basic things that no healthy-minded person would ever think, such as “Why bother being happy?” Now on an intellectual level I want to be happy, but my will just seems so hardened against the work involved in becoming so. And I feel like any contrition I have is solely imperfect. I’m worried that I’ve been in this spiritual state for too long and people will “dust their hands of me” and I won’t be able to fully repent with perfect contrition, and wholeheartedly commit to changing my life. I don’t know what to do.
So, growing up that way, it’s sort of been indoctrinated in my heart that it’s okay to not go to Mass every week, even though in my mind, after getting older (I’m 28 now), I know it’s not. I have cerebral palsy and mild autism so I can’t drive which makes it difficult to go to Mass on cold days anyway. So I’ve been kind of lazy, having been taught that God understands my disadvantages, and that He doesn’t give up on us. I was also taught that growing in Holiness takes time, which further encouraged me to be lazy (not that that was the intention of the lesson). I’ve been coddled due to my various conditions and I’m kind of scared of the “real world” so to speak now that I’m older.
Recently, in the last couple of years, I’ve slowly started to understand on an intellectual level the wrongheadedness of the way I was brought up. But it’s a battle considering that the way I was brought up has been ingrained in me obviously. There was also a long dark period in my late teens where I was severely depressed and questioned very basic things that no healthy-minded person would ever think, such as “Why bother being happy?” Now on an intellectual level I want to be happy, but my will just seems so hardened against the work involved in becoming so. And I feel like any contrition I have is solely imperfect. I’m worried that I’ve been in this spiritual state for too long and people will “dust their hands of me” and I won’t be able to fully repent with perfect contrition, and wholeheartedly commit to changing my life. I don’t know what to do.
