Help me be better wife please

  • Thread starter Thread starter Happy2bcatholic
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
H

Happy2bcatholic

Guest
I have this problem that whenever someone comes to me complaining about their spouse I feel obligated to make them feel better by saying ‘well my spouse needs improvement too’ or something like that so they don’t feel alone - but then in the end I feel quilty and I tell my husband what I did and he gets upset that I shared about our marriage with someone else and ‘ratted him out’. I know I shouldn’t do it. I just feel sorry for the person and I know that if I was pouring my heart out to someone I’d want them to commiserate with me but afterwards I feel quilty. I do have a very good marriage but no one is perfect. Any advice with any of you? Thanks so much.
 
I find nothing more irritating then listening to someone run down their spouse.

I have a rule. I NEVER say anything about my DH that I wouldn’t say if he was right there. Especially not on an Internet forum. I love him so much and I know he would be so hurt if he heard me say something unkind about him.

I also do not hang out with people who are constantly complaining about their husbands and expecting me to join in.

You are NOT helping people by sharing in their complaints you just make them feel justified in complaining, which encourages them to focus on the negative in their lives and not the good. You can be compassionate without running your own husband down. Why not try saying something like “Well what is there you love about your husband?” instead of “My husband is a jerk too.”

-D
 
40.png
darcee:
I find nothing more irritating then listening to someone run down their spouse.

I have a rule. I NEVER say anything about my DH that I wouldn’t say if he was right there. Especially not on an Internet forum. I love him so much and I know he would be so hurt if he heard me say something unkind about him.

I also do not hang out with people who are constantly complaining about their husbands and expecting me to join in.

-D
Click to expand...
:amen:
 
when I joined the Benedictine Oblates and became friends with the three wonderful sisters of the monastery, they gave me a book for Christmas called “How to Make your Husband a better person”. My husband saw it and asked “What did you tell them about me?” The burden of the book’s message, of course, was that you must improve yourself, your attitude, behavior, spirituality, in order to improve your husband and family. Love him, even when he is unlovable. That doesn’t mean a feeling, it means loving deeds and actions, especially when you don’t feel like it.
 
40.png
asquared:
when I joined the Benedictine Oblates and became friends with the three wonderful sisters of the monastery, they gave me a book for Christmas called “How to Make your Husband a better person”. My husband saw it and asked “What did you tell them about me?” The burden of the book’s message, of course, was that you must improve yourself, your attitude, behavior, spirituality, in order to improve your husband and family. Love him, even when he is unlovable. That doesn’t mean a feeling, it means loving deeds and actions, especially when you don’t feel like it.
Click to expand...
:amen:
Change comes from with in. I had to change before my wife could change.😃
 
I have the opposite problem. I always compliment my husband to other people. My problem is telling him every problem I have with him. I am trying to correct this though. I have been working very hard at being a team with my husband. Instead of it being him and me, I want it to be “we”. This is very hard since he works 2 jobs and I am home alone with the kids all day. It seems like I am the one making all the decisions all by myself most of the time. Humility plays an important part, I think. Love and respect prompt us to always be striving for better relationships with our spouses. I don’t know anyone with a “perfect” marriage. Marriage is a journey and takes constant care. The fact that one realizes a need for improvement is an important first step. Prayer helps a lot! Especially when you do it together. Good luck on your journey!! 😉
 
Hubby and I are hoping to attend a Marriage Encounter weekend next month. We hope to renew our love for one another and improve communication. Maybe you two can go away together and focus on one another. KCT
 
Examine your basic premise. When someone shares a problem with you, what they really want the most is for you to listen. Mirroring-back is a good technique, but only if you do in a way that let’s them know you’re really listening. This is going to sound strange, but if you don’t know how, try the book “How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk.” The premise of that book is that kids just want you to let them know you hear what they’re saying correctly and that you have faith in them while they come up with their own solutions. The truth is, I think that’s what everybody wants.

Commiserating, on the other hand (or “Pity Parties”, as I like to call them) doesn’t do anyone any good. If you can say, you know we had this problem and this is how *we *worked it out, or one solution that might help you is x, great. But telling someone that you have the same problem without talking about solutions actually makes the situation seem more hopeless.
 
One BIG THING that helped us was a Catholic Based Vatican Approved Family Ministry called Couples For Christ (CFC).

More than teaching us how to be better spouses, They tought us how to be better people. they tought us how to have a loving family (again). They tought us how to have a personal relationship with each other and with Christ.

PM me if you want to know more.
 
My suggestion, maybe it’s a habit, and if it is, habits can be broken. So, next time that happens, just bring to the front of your mind the nicest thing your husband has done for you. You surely know that you’re not obligated to make someone else feel better, and certainly never at the expense of your husbands feelings or reputation.
 
Thank you all for your responses. It is a habit formed in childhood. My Mom befriended me at a very early age, turning me against my Dad and always running him down. Now if someone shares with me a woe story I feel obligated to share mine as well otherwise ‘it would be so rude of me’. But I think I can get past this. Knowing the origin of things is very helpful. Thank you all.
 
The fact that you want to be a good wife to your husband is wonderful.

In conversation with others, you can empathize without referring to your own marriage.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top