Help Me Help a Friend

[StephiePea]

I have a friend who has experienced two great losses in her life. Our mutual friend (her best friend) was murdered in our small town about two years ago, and her father died two months later from cancer. She is in her early twenties, and this loss has caused much depression and mourning. Two years later, she has shown little improvement in her coping. How long do you think the mourning process should last? I don’t think the way she is coping is healthy. What can I do to help her?

 

[leschornmom]

Stephie,

Every one greives differently. What you need to ask your self is she is putting her life or health at risk. My cousin’s daughter (8 mos old) died almost 2 1/2 years ago. I still cry at least weekly for her and her mother. I was consumed for a year and questioned whether God truly existed. Infact it was my cousin’s faith that I relied on for that first year and not the other way around. How wierd is that?
Pray for your friend and never tell her that it’s time she got over it. Let her grieve for the rest of her life if she needs to. But if you feel that she might be suicidle I think you should become active in her life. Involve her family and any other friends she has. Let them know that you are worried about her and see if any of them are willing to help. Then I think that you should confront her and let her know that you are worried about her. That could be enough to snap her out of it…She may not even realise how depressed she is.
Good luck to you and your friend and you’ll be in my prayers.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

StephiePea:

I have a friend who has experienced two great losses in her life. Our mutual friend (her best friend) was murdered in our small town about two years ago, and her father died two months later from cancer. She is in her early twenties, and this loss has caused much depression and mourning. Two years later, she has shown little improvement in her coping. How long do you think the mourning process should last? I don’t think the way she is coping is healthy. What can I do to help her?

I don’t think there needs to be any specific dilineation of whether the mourning process is “on” or “off” at any given time. My father dies three years ago and for the most part I get on with everyday life but occasionally I still ponder at how weird it is and meditate on the whole concept of life and death issues.

After two years I’d like to think the depression symptoms would start to become less obvious, not because of the time itself so much but it begs the question of whether she is actually growing in peace at all.

What is it about the way she is coping you don’t agree with? Is it something in particular she is doing or not doing, or is it just that you don’t see any improvement?

I’d like to hear more about it first, but if it would help and she would be up for it, I would be willing to hear her tell her story on AOL chat, and see if there is any way I can help her reframe it. I used to be a youth crisis hotline telephone counselor, and I have had some success at listening to grieving folks.

Also maybe we can look at how you can help her, as you asked. For a place to start, I’ll ask you a few questions. What are you currently doing to try to help her now? What sort of things do you tell her? Are you familiar with the difference between sympathy and empathy?

Alan

 

[Exporter]

There is a very famous Country-Western singer from Texas, Willie Nelson, who wrote a song relative to your question.

It is: “TIME TAKES CARE OF EVERYTHING”.

She has to let it all come out, cry, talk about it and pray about it. Don’t keep it inside. Talking to a friend does a lot of good. Get it out.

How long? That depends on the individual. If after six months she is not able to work and do daily things then she needs a profesional. Mourning is a purgative action. Get it out.

 

[Mysty101]

Hi,

It is very good of you to try to help your friend. I have taken a grief counseling course, and I must say that each case is different, and everyone mourns differently.

There are stages of grief, and usually we must experience all of them, but not particularly in any order, and we can go back and forth.
Shock, anger, guilt, bargaining, and maybe a few more before we come to acceptance. The rule of thumb is if you are not starting to function fairly well after 6 months, it is time for professional help. If there is little improvement in 2 years, maybe she does need help.

Many Churches, Community centers and hospitals, etc have bereavement groups. These can be veryhelpful—it’s definitely worth a try. If she does not want to go to a group try to get her some individual help.

 

[Detroit_Sue]

Mysty101:

Hi,

It is very good of you to try to help your friend. I have taken a grief counseling course, and I must say that each case is different, and everyone mourns differently.

There are stages of grief, and usually we must experience all of them, but not particularly in any order, and we can go back and forth.
Shock, anger, guilt, bargaining, and maybe a few more before we come to acceptance. The rule of thumb is if you are not starting to function fairly well after 6 months, it is time for professional help. If there is little improvement in 2 years, maybe she does need help.

Many Churches, Community centers and hospitals, etc have bereavement groups. These can be veryhelpful—it’s definitely worth a try. If she does not want to go to a group try to get her some individual help.

This is excellent advice. Bereavement counseling can be extraordinarily helpful. This young woman has experienced serious losses in her life. What a terrible burden. A bereavement counselor will probably be able to discern whether or not your friend needs medical intervention.

I think it’s important that I clarify that I am not a fan of “therapy,” because of the New Ageism that many therapists use, but grief counseling is different. I will pray that your friend receive the grace necessary to shoulder these burdens.

 

[La_Chiara]

I would not answer this poll because grief and mourning has no right answer or correct amount of time. Some people will get over their losses relatively quickly and others not as quickly. But you are right that it is unhealthy not to make progress in coming to terms with loss. Perhaps the classic work about loss, grief, and mourning is “On Death and Dying” by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. I recall that it is a relatively short book. I would suggest you get it–any library or bookstore would have it–and read it. The insights you gain will help you with your friend.

 

[Teresa9]

StephiePea:

I have a friend who has experienced two great losses in her life. Our mutual friend (her best friend) was murdered in our small town about two years ago, and her father died two months later from cancer. She is in her early twenties, and this loss has caused much depression and mourning. Two years later, she has shown little improvement in her coping. How long do you think the mourning process should last? I don’t think the way she is coping is healthy. What can I do to help her?

Dear friend

Having lost a good few people close to me including family members, I can honestly say, you never stop grieving, you always mourn their loss, but what happens is that in time and this differs from person to person , the intensity of the mourning decreases and though always your heart will be sad and you will miss them, you ALWAYS mourn them, you learn to accept their loss and live a life that will always be different for them not being there, but will grow and flourish as a result of having known them, but in time we accept the loss of a loved one.

Give your friend the time to grieve in intensity and she will need as much time as she needs, it’s immeasurable in terms of time… and that is the truth. The health authorities say that a person should experience a lessening in the intensity of grieving after 2 to 3 years, so don’t worry too much about your friends grieving process.

Your friend has had two tragic losses in such a short space of time and my heart, love and prayers are with her. She must be totally grief stricken, she may even be depressed as a result. Talk to your friend and be there for her, love her and be the best friend you can be and give her room to grieve for as long as she needs. The worst thing anyone can say to a grieving person is that they should be ‘getting over it’, you never get over it, you live with it. xx

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa

 

[puzzleannie]

mourning and grieving are not the same thing. mourning is one stage in the grieving process. your friend may need counselling to help her progress through these stages so she can find healing. A spiritual healing retreat (charismatic) helped me get over a 12-year hump in grieving over my dad’s death from cancer.

 

[fulloftruth]

as long as its healthy, then, as long as it takes

 

[dumspirospero]

I know people will naturally say “as long as it takes”…but I believe it is better for them when they grieve for a shorter period…a year is suffice. They must let go and move on…and if these were great people who are going to be with Christ, then we should rejoice.

 

[StephiePea]

AlanFromWichita:

I don’t think there needs to be any specific dilineation of whether the mourning process is “on” or “off” at any given time. My father dies three years ago and for the most part I get on with everyday life but occasionally I still ponder at how weird it is and meditate on the whole concept of life and death issues.

After two years I’d like to think the depression symptoms would start to become less obvious, not because of the time itself so much but it begs the question of whether she is actually growing in peace at all.

What is it about the way she is coping you don’t agree with? Is it something in particular she is doing or not doing, or is it just that you don’t see any improvement?

I’d like to hear more about it first, but if it would help and she would be up for it, I would be willing to hear her tell her story on AOL chat, and see if there is any way I can help her reframe it. I used to be a youth crisis hotline telephone counselor, and I have had some success at listening to grieving folks.

Also maybe we can look at how you can help her, as you asked. For a place to start, I’ll ask you a few questions. What are you currently doing to try to help her now? What sort of things do you tell her? Are you familiar with the difference between sympathy and empathy?

Alan

To answer your question about why I’m concerned: She thinks about suicide and death every day. She tells me she doesn’t want to live in this pain. She has severe mood swings. She takes all this medication for depression, but it doesn’t seem to help, and I worry about the way she mixes the meds. and doesn’t follow the doctors directions with it. She is always tired. She is withdrawn, and none of this was the girl I knew before our friends death. I understand the pain of it, she was my friend too. I have fond memories, and miss her very much. I have to admit, I feel sometimes that Kay (my depressed friend) is being selfish. She is the youngest of seven, and none of her siblings are acting this way about thier father’s death. None of Carley’s (our murdered friend) friends are acting this way either. I call Kay, check on her, invite her everywhere, listen when she needs it, give advice when I think it is appropriate. I’m at a loss, and I fear for her life sometimes. I use a lot of humor, and I cry with her regularly. Mostly for her, not for Carley or her dad. I cry for her…

 

[PopSmoke]

Depends on what is being mourned. I lost a daughter to an auto accident – more correctly she was killed by a drunk driver. She survived 59 days with burns over 98% of her body in excruciating pain. I was giddy with joy at her funeral because I knew she had completed any purgatory required before she died.

On the other hand when my wife of ten years left me with little warning, I grieved the loss for nearly ten more years. That was 25 years ago and though I no longer grieve the loss, I still love her.

I am married again (in the Church) and have two more young children. Though I still do not mourn my saintly daughter, I fear for the safety of my other children.

PopSmoke

 

[Mamamull]

We lost our seven year old daughter suddenly and unexpectedly about four years ago.

Our friend, Ken Czillinger, who is a grief counselor, told us that he was told by most parents that it takes about five years to find their new normal. We are pretty much there.

The post traumatic shock disorder symptoms are pretty much a bad memory. We still have our days -and I can’t see something wrong with missing a wonderful little girl every now and again. Her birthday, her deathday, Mother’s day, father’s day, Christmas all have their own memories and emotions to deal with. Each year it is different, but I don’t fault myself for the grief. It is part of love.

I also take an antidepressant. I had a family to continue to care for. I don’t have to go to her grave, I can go to what was her bedroom and be where she died. I don’t do the very much, but I saw a poll elsewhere about the topic.

We definitely cry more easily these days and find ourselves more supportive of others who are dying or grieving.

I am forever changed for having had Claire in my life and now that she has died, well I am forever changed again.

The first year we expect to stink. The second year we aren’t as numb from shock and we think we are going insane or something because there is a new edge to the grief. The third year, we are kind of resigned to our state and try to move on, but it is a lot of effort and grief./shock can remove many of our normal skills for awhile.

We have adopted again. I think that is a good sign that we are moving on. I didn’t grieve the my family thought I should, but I grieved and didn’t try to avoid it. I dug deeper into my faith and that really helped. I prayed for others and not myself and that helped, too.

I have also noticed that having a death that has a criminal aspect tends to be harder on some folks. The forgiveness – or lack there of keeps the healing from God away.

 

[Giannawannabe]

About 5 years ago, a good friend died unexpectantly, followed by the death of my father. During that time, we also experienced the loss of a baby boy we had for 4 days. We were to adopt him, but for a number of tragic reasons, we were unable to. I felt like I had lost a part of myself. My mother is mentally ill, and did not “allow” any of us kids to mourn my father. I’m not a very open person about my feelings (except, perhaps, with my dh). So, I have struggled all of this time with what I call “a loss of joy”. Recently, I have surprised myself by laughing spontaneously, having fun, and being lighthearted and joyful. I realized how depressed I’ve been these past 5 years. I think I have found myself again. I hope that doesn’t sound too cliche’. So, I agree with Mamamull about finding a “new normal” after 5 years. However, I also think that if, after a year or so, a person finds that he/she is still feeling mournful, they should find some support from a friend/support group. I wish I had.

 

[Arlene]

dumspirospero:

I know people will naturally say “as long as it takes”…but I believe it is better for them when they grieve for a shorter period…a year is suffice. They must let go and move on…and if these were great people who are going to be with Christ, then we should rejoice.

I have to think that this poster never lost someone near and dear to them. I know my son is in Heaven, he was born from my body to be held by Jesus. Oh, all the stupid comments we would hear! “At least you never had time to get to know him. You can always get pregnant again. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. Just think of all the medical problems he would have had if he lived.” And the worse one of all… “Aren’t you over it YET?”

A year is not enough time. The first year is the worst. This is the Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc etc we should have had a baby with us. Then its the birthday, which for us is the same as the Angel Day. I don’t remember a whole lot of that first year. I went through life in a fog. I cried every day. I have an ugly poloroid picture the hospital gave us, I looked at it a thousand times a day. I thought I was going to scream from the emptiness. My arms that wanted to hold a baby literally ached.

One of the books I read during that time said, “Your body doesn’t know that your baby died”. So here was a body all primed to mother a child, but no child to mother. It takes a woman about a year for her body to recover from the birth of a child. So my body was recovering from birth at the same time.

After a loss, your life never goes back to normal. But slowly, you begin to create a new normal. That takes time.

 

[turboEDvo]

PopSmoke:

Depends on what is being mourned. I lost a daughter to an auto accident – more correctly she was killed by a drunk driver. She survived 59 days with burns over 98% of her body in excruciating pain. I was giddy with joy at her funeral because I knew she had completed any purgatory required before she died.

Wow, that has to be one of the most amazing stories I have heard. I think your outlook is amazing (and am sorry for your loss, but glad that you see it in such a positive light)

Eamon

 

[Fashina86]

I am agreeing with everybody above. Each person will mourn differntly. I lost a good friend in October when she was just 16. That loss may take longer to heal then losing a grandfather. I am very sorry about your loss. I will say a prayer for your consolation and healing.