Help, my wife left me

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tasso

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We have been married for 17 years, have four children between 5 and 16, and are both Christians. Our marriage always struggled, but we managed to overcome most problems. However, now, that I have converted to Catholism, my wife felt, that I left the common basis. Especially the contraception issue has been a big issue between us, as she does not want to take any risks to get more children. I accepted this, but asked her to find a compromise with me, where we could use alternative methods, like natural family planning. She doesn’t want to hear anything about it and expects me, to take full responsibility for contraception, even though she knows, that I would love to have more children. We had some big blows till late at night about this issue, and eventually she packed her things, took three children with her and left. She didn’t leave an address and no note, but I managed eventually to meet her and return the two younger children to our home. I have now all the boys, while she has our daughter. Contacting her was impossible till yesterday, where we spoke for the first time again. She has spoken to a solicitor and wants to take court-action to get the children and said, that she is determined to get a divorce. However, we spoke for a long time, and later she gave me a 15 Point list, that if I would comply she might consider returning. First on the list is that I should get sterilised and second to change the church to one, that is suitable for her. I feel I can comply with most of the other points, even though it means to eat a lot of humble pie, but the first two I find difficult, as they would mean for me, to sacrifice my faith in Jesus. I love my wife, as she is a wonderful person, but unfortunately like me, she is a very strong and determined person and although a Christian like me believes, that we can choose what to believe, as everbody interprets the bible differently. I don’t know what to do, as I desperately love her to come back, especially as some of the children are still very young and need both parents, but I do not want to do this at the expense of my faith. I would appreciate some advise on how to deal with this situation, and please pray for us.

God bless,

Tasso
 
First of all, may God the Holy Spirit give you wisdom and courage, may God the Son give you much grace, and God the Father surround you with his agape love.

Have you spoken to your parish priest? From what was in your note to the list, this is most likely a more complex issue than just your joining the Church, but that certainly is a major factor in the current situation. Your parish priest will have access to the knowledge and the resources that could best be brought to bear in this situation.

Please understand that I say the following out of genuine concern: The situation you describe is far too serious and complex to be dealt with only through the resources available on an email list – even this one. I’m sure there are many on the list who will be pleased to support you in prayer, and provide what is usually referred to as “moral support.” You don’t say how long you have been in the Church, but be assured that supporting marriage is something that has a very high priority in the Church, and your parish priest is the your access point to that support.

Be assured of the prayers of the Catholics who have learned of your plight on this list.

Blessing,

Gerry
 
Tasso - my prayers are with you. I can understand your wife’s difficulty with being open to life and you converting to Catholicsm. You cannot turn your back on the Church - nor can you break with Church teaching and be sterilized. I am glad that you recognize that.

My only advise is to be open - keep communicating. Listen, listen, listen. There are other issues here aside from your being Catholic. Perhaps you two could seek counseling and find how what those other issues are.

Praying for you, Tasso and your children and your beautiful bride! Christ’s peace
 
Tasso,

I feel bad for you. I sounds like you and your wife can use a cooling off period, which may even mean a period of seperation, to allow cooler minds to prevail. It sounds like your wife is feeling not listened to by you. Maybe you need to validate her feelings and concerns more. Then you may want to involve a third party-pastor, counselor, mature trusted couple-to assist you both in working through your differences. Hard to do on your own when the emotions are so intense.

As far as the moral choices facing you and standing true with the faith, I can only encourage you to pray to accept the grace to know and do what is most pleasing to God. Remember, you are only responsible for your own soul in the choices you face. My dear wife and I have are still in the midst of a similiar unresolved disagreement over introducing contraceptive intercourse into our marriage. Most unpleasant to put it mildly. See my previous posts on other threads regarding this similiar issue (click on my name to access).

It is not easy at all. I try to surrender my wife and marriage to God, at least one day a week I devote to fasting and prayer for unity in our marriage on this issue. I will pray for you and your situation.

God Bless.

Felra
 
May God bless you for converting to the one true Church. Yes, children need both parents, but it sounds like you are not willing to sin (sterilization) in order to please your wife? I means this in the most sincere way. This is a touchy situation and you should speak to your priest. Good luck and God Bless! I will pray for you.
 
I don’t know what to say, that’s awful. I will pray for you both, sounds like the devil’s working hard on her. Does she want to come home? If she wants out and has been wanting out, you could do everything on her list and it wouldn’t matter anyway. She’d give you a new list in a couple of months. If she does want to come home, surely she can be more rational than this. I could be wrong (and often I am) but it seems like there must be more going on with her. God bless, your family is in my prayers.
 
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tasso:
We have been married for 17 years, have four children between 5 and 16, and are both Christians. Our marriage always struggled, but we managed to overcome most problems. However, now, that I have converted to Catholism, my wife felt, that I left the common basis. Especially the contraception issue has been a big issue between us, as she does not want to take any risks to get more children. I accepted this, but asked her to find a compromise with me, where we could use alternative methods, like natural family planning. She doesn’t want to hear anything about it and expects me, to take full responsibility for contraception, even though she knows, that I would love to have more children. We had some big blows till late at night about this issue, and eventually she packed her things, took three children with her and left. She didn’t leave an address and no note, but I managed eventually to meet her and return the two younger children to our home. I have now all the boys, while she has our daughter. Contacting her was impossible till yesterday, where we spoke for the first time again. She has spoken to a solicitor and wants to take court-action to get the children and said, that she is determined to get a divorce. However, we spoke for a long time, and later she gave me a 15 Point list, that if I would comply she might consider returning. First on the list is that I should get sterilised and second to change the church to one, that is suitable for her. I feel I can comply with most of the other points, even though it means to eat a lot of humble pie, but the first two I find difficult, as they would mean for me, to sacrifice my faith in Jesus. I love my wife, as she is a wonderful person, but unfortunately like me, she is a very strong and determined person and although a Christian like me believes, that we can choose what to believe, as everbody interprets the bible differently. I don’t know what to do, as I desperately love her to come back, especially as some of the children are still very young and need both parents, but I do not want to do this at the expense of my faith. I would appreciate some advise on how to deal with this situation, and please pray for us.

God bless,

Tasso
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Rather than get our advice, I really think that you should talk to a priest.
 
:hmmm:
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SHEMP:
Rather than get our advice, I really think that you should talk to a priest.
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Rather, absolutely seek the counsel of a faithful priest along with some airing out of the issue and developing some next steps…this forum offers support and a safe place to initially process and selectively consider (name removed by moderator)ut from others before acting.
 
Check out www.e5men.org. Its not the most comparable situation to what you’re going through, but when my fiance left me, taking up their fast and offering up the pain of loss for her holiness and wellbeing provided a lot of strength.

Josh
 
this forum offers support and a safe place to initially process and selectively consider (name removed by moderator)ut from others before acting.
[/quote]

I don’t see how you could consider an internet forum a “safe place” to get advice concerning such a sensitive matter. People say all kinds of wacky things in emails and e-forums. People speak differently when they have to look someone in the eyes. In addition there is no way to know whether someone is giving advice based on real knowledge or whether they are blowing gas.

This guy’s marraige is too important to put in the hands of invisible internet experts.
 
I am sad for you. My wife is leaving me because she “doesn’t love me and will never be able to fall in love with me again”. We have two kids, both under the age of 7. This might just be one of the worst and most painful things that happens to them in their lifetime. Pray for me. I’ll pray for you too. Who can have the wisdom to know what to say here? When I try to talk to priests about this they point me at Catholic Family Services and try to end the conversation. I appreciate they are busy, but this is my life which is ending. So I can understand why someone would post a cry for help on a message board. Exactly where else in our society are people even willing to listen? Who says there is any solution at all? Maybe there is NO solution. Maybe all we can do is cry out.

I recommend the prayer of the Church (the Liturgy of the Hours), frequent communions and frequent confession,
and praying the rosary publically at a local parish. I find the latter very encouraging, because we are all praying together, even if our hearts are aching for different reasons, for sure there are many of us there who are hurting. If anyone can be there for us, to listen and to help, then God, and all his Saints, especially Mary, should be included in your life whenever you can. I wish I could live that more, instead of just saying it.

Bonaventura
 
I feel badly for you. I have been in a difficult marraige for many years. We’ve been married for 22 years and have 5 kids. My husband didn’t trust the natural family planning. He never helped me with it and he hardly ever wanted to have sex anyway. That’s why it was hard to keep track of myself every day. We’ve been in separate rooms for a number of years. It’s been difficult but somehow the Lord is with me and has helped me get through. My kids are doing well in school, they believe in God & they are moral people. If I would have left him, I’m not sure if it would be that way. I always tell them that it is important to do the right thing. I still have many happy times. I enjoy my children. I don’t know if this is helping you or not, but I would never have accepted it if he’d had a vacectomy like he wanted to. I know I’m alone, but at least we didn’t sin in our sex. There may be very few people these days who would understand that, but it is the truth.
What I wanted to say to you is that your wife really doesn’t want a man she can control. She thinks that this is what she wants, but the minute you do exactly what she says in all of these things, she’ll think you are a whimp. Women never want wimps. Be kind but be firm too. Be a man of honor. You can bend in a lot of ways, but you cannot sin against God. The marraige will be a sham if you give up your faith & sin by having a vasectomy. Why is she requiring you to sin anyway? She could go get her tubes tied if she really wanted to. She thinks she wants to control you or something. You have to stand firm & pray. Be a good dad. Your kids need this. Have faith. The Lord does lots of miracles. Lots of them. Have faith & be peaceful to her. See what happens. Before my brother died of AIDS over 13 years ago, the Lord led me (in prayer one day) to read a psalm. It was a psalm that said to have confidence in the Lord. I knew the Lord was speaking to me. I recited that psalm everyday & I knew the Lord was going to do something for my brother. Well three weeks before he died, he got into a hospice full of priests & nuns. That hospice has a long waiting list & he shouldn’t have been able to get in, but through unusual circumstances, he got in. Well, my brother who hadn’t been to church in many many years, had confession, communion & the last rites a few weeks before he died. I hope to see him in heaven some day.
Wow, I’ve never left a message before. I hope this helps.
 
One of the hardest to accept is that we can’t force people to see things our way. You have shown your commitment to Jesus. Be relaxed with your wife and be an example of holiness for her. You have both come so far. I know the experience, my wife and I don’t agree on everything as she has a Jewish background. Sometimes it’s hard to believe but we just have be holy yourself and work with our spouses lovingly even if we don’t think they are pleasing God. Be gentle, patient, and kind, as St Paul says. The priests today (especially in my area) don’t really stand with the Church on contraception, so the whole culture is affected and you are not to blame for that. That’s what I finally realized, it’s a Church “social problem” not just a personal problem. Be holy, be gentle, accept her. Jesus loves and forgives and so should we. Maybe she’ll admire your model of holiness. No question contraception is a serious sin and can also be an abortifacient. She has had four children in today’s me, me, me, society - that’s heroic! I will pray for both of you! You can abstain especially during probable fertile periods then she may become more comfortable with NFP.
 
Thanks for all your replies. I’m sorry if I can’t respond to all messages, as currently I’m too upset. Today my wife wanted to see the kids, so we met at BK and went later to a playpark. We had a good time with the kids, but there was no chance to speak to her then so I phoned her later. But again she said, that I should accept it, that she is going for a divorce, unless a lot of things change, that she would not deviate from any of her demands. She said, that she wants me to leave the kids to her that this would make things better. I don’t know why she thinks, the kids would be better off with her, because they are very happy here at home and don’t really want to leave. I feel so sorry for them, as they are now forced to make decisions, which parent they want to stay with, and a possible split-up. I can’t understand, what is happening to my wife, as this is not the person anymore that I married. We were both dedicated to each other and the children and never considered divorce an option. However, over recent years I noticed a change in her, being more and more dissatisfied with her situation. She feels that the church (fundamental charismatic) let her down and now doesn’t want anybody to tell her anymore anything about christian living. Everytime we had an argument, she says, that I am emotionally abusing her. There was not way anymore to get through to her. And because one of our sons has been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, she now thinks, I have this condition, too, and should get diagnosed. Having looked into it a bit, I don’t agree, but agreed, that if that is what she wants, I would be willing to get diagnosed. She says, she noticed that the catholic church seems to suit me, and because our diagnosed son also likes going there, it appears to me that she now thinks that the Catholic Church would appeal to people with such problems. She even has written a case study on me, going in my childhood using information she must have gained from my parents, but distorting it in a very strange way. She says she only wrote it for herself, but I’m not so sure. She even makes statements which the children supposedly said about me, but when asking my children, they say, it is absolutely not true. I really don’t know, what is going on in her. As she came out of a divorced home herself I started to wonder, if it is possible, that she never overcame it. She could never remember feeling any pain or sadness, when her father had to leave the home. “He just left” were all her comments. Only recently during a counselling session did she remember that it was painful. I wonder if she simply suppresses unpleasant things and therefore never wants to talk about issues that she finds too painful. I believe, that underneath she is so sore, that every attempt to get closer to her is associated with pain and that this possibly is the reason, why she rather chooses to run away instead of confronting it. If I only could help her in this, because in the long run, it will bite her and the children will get hurt with the same hurt in the process. I have spoken to some priests and deacons about this issue. They are very sympethetic but don’t know themselves what to do. One is trying to push the marriage councelling forward, but currently she doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. We had done marriage counselling before, but unfortunately the marriage counseller’s husband became very ill and she had to drop it in the middle of it. Had it continued, I believe, it could have saved our marriage. It appears that especially the church situation and contraception issue are the biggest in her life. She wants absolutely no more children, is totally horrified of the idea of having to carry another child. I can sympathise with her in this, as having had four children and two miscarriages where the last one was especially tragic must have been very traumatic for her. I wish I could accept her list if only for the children’s sake.
 
Tasso, you will have my prayers and support in your difficult situation. By all means talk to a good priest, BUT ALSO talk to a good lawyer. She has a lawyer and is talking about moving forward with divorce; she also seems to be playing hardball by refusing to tell you how to reach her, by throwing around the A-word (“abuse”) and by this creepy “case study.” Get the best father’s rights attorney you can find right away. It does not mean you will never reconcile, but it does give you better chances if things decline.
 
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Fortiterinre:
Tasso, you will have my prayers and support in your difficult situation. By all means talk to a good priest, BUT ALSO talk to a good lawyer. She has a lawyer and is talking about moving forward with divorce; she also seems to be playing hardball by refusing to tell you how to reach her, by throwing around the A-word (“abuse”) and by this creepy “case study.” Get the best father’s rights attorney you can find right away. It does not mean you will never reconcile, but it does give you better chances if things decline.
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You have my prayers, also. I was married previously, and went through a divorce. We only had one child, but it was still rough. Especially when she remarried one week after the divorce was final. But believe me, with prayer, things do work out after while. But I agree, get yourself a good lawyer to help you if things get rougher. I didn’t and I later wished I would’ve. God Bless.
 
Four children. She seems like such a sweet person. I think she is uncomfortable with your Catholicism and things are moving too fast for her. Perhaps you can tell her that you accept 13 out of the 15 and you want her to come home and you can work on the rest. Perhaps abstain as needed for a while so she won’t be concerned about this at least for now. Then perhaps she’ll become more comfortable with NFP later.

I would think the first priority is get her home and relaxed and just be kind and loving to her. She seems to have lost a sense of meaning and purpose. Maybe focus on something she enjoys (hobby, reading, sports, etc) to relieve her pressure. Everyone has something they enjoy and do often.
 
My husband and I practice NFP. I don’t want to be nosy, but with a 16 year old, it is possible that your wife’s fertility has already dropped off significantly due to her age. She seems to be having very emotional reactions. Try to encourage her to not make any decisions yet. Since your wife is not Catholic, I assume you are not married in the Catholic Church. Since your wife is already not living with you, perhaps she would consider letting you court her. Courting is different than dating. It involves being with the person in the presence of their family. This would allow time for extended family and kids too. But no funny stuff! Two non married people would not be having intercourse if Catholic so that should solve the pregnancy problem for now. It would also create alot of room for romance. Someone discussed honor earlier, show her what an honorable Catholic man acts like. Check out some of Steve Wood’s books, he is also a convert. Many people, including Scott Hahn, converted before their spouses. Life was rough for them, but through prayer and patience, it works out. Sometimes not in the way we want, but in God’s way.

I prayed for you the minute I read your post as I am sure many on this forum did. I believe the prayers will be powerful.

God Bless,
 
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