Help on Career Decision

[anonymous-amos]

I have reached a crossroads of sorts in my career. I am here to ask for your advice and prayers, and also to see if you know of any resources (books, spiritual direction, etc.) that can help me make a decision in accordance with the Lord’s will.

Some basic facts:

1. I am a married man in my 30s with a young family. I would like my wife to be able to stay at home.
2. My profession pays very well. However, it also requires extremely long and unpredictable hours, frequently requiring work on weekends and most holidays. Working all day, and then late into the night, is expected. Sometimes possible to get home, tuck a little one into bed and eat dinner with the wife, and then get back online to work–but even that much is not at all a safe bet.
3. The nature of my profession is such that employment is not stable. A typical career trajectory is to earn high pay for a number of years, and then (either due to burnout or termination) end up at a not-quite-as-stressful but much-lower-paying job, or out of the profession entirely.
4. I am not intelligent enough for my profession. My profession draws heavily on innate abilities that I do not possess at the requisite level. It is very difficult for me to perform at the level of my peers–it takes great effort for me to even do a passable job. I know about impostor syndrome, and I am confident that’s not it.
5. My profession makes me experience extreme subjective unhappiness, anxiety, and fatigue.
6. My education and experience is quite specialized. Switching out of the profession would likely involve “starting over” at an entry level, with low pay, and working my way up.

Here are some points I’ve considered so far in favor of staying in my profession:

1. My primary vocation is to be a husband and father. That means I need to provide for my family, so it might make sense for me to “stick it out” in the profession as long as possible.
2. Working in a profession that I am not good at, and which causes high stress, can be an opportunity to develop humility and do penance.
3. High pay means more ability to make donations and give alms.

And points against:

1. Extremely long and unpredictable hours can prevent me from spending much time with my family. But lots of people face this difficulty. And if I switch and “start over” in a lower-paying profession, my wife would likely have to work, which means daycare, etc. That would be (for me–I know some others might feel differently) an even worse outcome.
2. Long and unpredictable hours, and stress, can also take a toll on my health. But at what point does this consideration become selfishness…
3. Given my lack of ability, at least in this profession, I am not likely to enjoy professional prestige (indeed, people will see me struggle and perform in a mediocre way at my job). That is a negative, because having professional prestige can be a good way to evangelize. But , I have no reason to think that I will be great at any profession, so maybe this is not a relevant consideration.

Thank you in advance for any advice or resources you can point me to.

 

[anonymous-amos]

I am leaning towards “sticking it out” in my profession as long as I can. But I also have nagging doubts in my heart that this might betray an inordinate attachment to money. Or that it reflects a lack of faith (i.e., lack of trust that there is some profession out there for which I would be better suited). But I am not sure how much stock to put in these feelings, which might just be a symptom of my overall tendency to be indecisive and conflicted.

 

[Cruciferi]

If your job is paying the bills, putting food on the table, and otherwise providing “well” for your family, you should, for the moment, stay the course.

Whatever your profession is, I’m sure that there are other better opportunities in your field. Keep looking around for a better fit. Also, you should consider seeing your Doctor concerning the stress, anxiety, and fatigue.

 

[Irishmom2]

You would not be doing your wife and children any favors by “merely” providing for their physical needs and neglecting their spiritual and emotional needs. It may be that you should take a “lesser” job, but be able to spend time with your wife and family at the same time. A wife and children need time spent with their husband or father.

If your job is making you anxious, or stressed or depressed, it is going to have the same affect on your family. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are sacrificing your happiness to make them happy because you aren’t.

Money is not everything. If your wife did have to work, perhaps she can work the hours where your children are at school.

 

[anonymous-amos]

Thank you for your responses so far. Any thoughts about working in a profession that one is not suited to / lacks the intelligence for? I have read some work by St. Josemaria Escriva, but some of it might not map very closely to my experience, given his emphasis on doing a great job at work whereas for me it takes a great deal of effort to even do a mediocre job.

 

[FiveLinden]

The issues you raise: self-assessment of intelligence and suitability; concern about family responsibilities; anxiety about the future etc. are all death with and often effectively in professional counselling.

 

[blackforest]

This was my thought. It’s no good trying to be a “husband first” or “father first” if he can’t even spend time with his family.

If your job is making you anxious, or stressed or depressed, it is going to have the same affect on your family. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you are sacrificing your happiness to make them happy because you aren’t.

To add to this, when the husband takes on extra work hours, so does the stay-at-home mom . . and she’s got the job that doesn’t get any pay!

In the past, my husband’s long hours have been a serious strain on our marriage and family. His current job is more merciful, fortunately!

Any thoughts about working in a profession that one is not suited to / lacks the intelligence for?

Are you able to be more specific? If you lack the intelligence, then no, don’t do it. If you lack the training or schooling it may be something you can work out. What field are you considering?

 

[anonymous-amos]

To add to this, when the husband takes on extra work hours, so does the stay-at-home mom . . and she’s got the job that doesn’t get any pay!

In the past, my husband’s long hours have been a serious strain on our marriage and family. His current job is more merciful, fortunately!

Thanks, I didn’t think about it quite this way and will mention this to my wife.

Are you able to be more specific? If you lack the intelligence, then no, don’t do it. If you lack the training or schooling it may be something you can work out. What field are you considering?

I will try to explain more without going into too many specifics. Essentially, I find that peers have much better memory and ability to think on the fly. I have tried to overcome these disadvantages through various strategies, including by writing more things down and keeping better notes. But, the work is fast-paced and doesn’t really lend itself to that. My sense is that as a result, peers can do the work better and faster, and I have to really struggle to even do comparable-level work (and at a noticeably slower pace than them).

I am really concerned that this makes the Faith look bad. (The opposite of spreading the faith to others through having professional prestige.)

 

[Welshrabbit]

Any chance of you hanging in there with your current job for a set, finite amount of time (say three or four years) and then making a switch?

If you do your best to save as much as you can, you may be able to save up enough so that your wife can stay home on a reduced income. It would also be a bit of light at the end of the tunnel for both of you…it sounds like this job is really taking its toll.

 

[Annie]

I am really concerned that this makes the Faith look bad. (The opposite of spreading the faith to others through having professional prestige.)

I so would not worry about this. I don’t think people are looking at professional wizards and asking themselves what religion they are.

And some of the most faith-filled people I have known were poor, or at least not rich.

 

[otjm]

I am really concerned that this makes the Faith look bad. (The opposite of spreading the faith to others through having professional prestige.)

I fail to see that Faith enters into the discussion. Faith is not based on personal prestige; it is based on Christ (and as Paul says him crucified).

What I see is a person who has work in a field, which leads to two questions: 1) if you are as poor at it as you imply, how did you ever get into the field in the first place, and 2) if you are as poor at it as you imply, how have you ever managed to stay in the filed (you say notes, etc., but by your comments, you should have either been fired/let go/not received more work opportunities).

Because you have been hired (you don’t state what you do, so this is a guessing game you have given me), it would be presumed you have qualifications for the job sufficient to get started.

And you seem to indicate that you not only have been hired, but have had more than a minimal 3 to 6 months exposure to it. That certainly implies that your work product must be acceptable.

In turn, this seems to imply that what you dislike is that you are not an 8 to 5, home every night dad. With that I can sympathize, but you seem to think that the alternative is to take some low paying job and make your wife lose the time she has with the children in order to allow you to be at home each night.

Perhaps I am reading this wrong, but since you give no details but leave me to a guessing game, that is what I am coming up with. You also do not detail what your wife thinks of this; she is an equal partner in this marriage and her (name removed by moderator)ut would be valuable to the conversation, not to mention, to you.

 

[losh14]

Much respect to the OP for asking something as intimate as the relationship between work and life, present and future. With some irony I write this on my work laptop, waiting for something to finish, while my wife dozes next to me on the couch.

I think you already know your answer, that the present situation has merit and potential but is not tenable for you to live your fullest life. Your heart is on Christ and your calling is to better.

Talk with your wife. Ask what she needs and talk about what you (plural) need. Take some of that pressure off yourself (hint: a buddy of mine stopped worrying as much about taking extra hours when his wife said she could swap their annual two-weeks-at-the-Gulf for a week of staycation to build up savings).

Be honest with yourself about your next steps. You don’t need to leave what you’re doing in order to plan for the future. In fact, you shouldn’t leave until you have that plan. Be open - prayerfully - to that plan. God needs surveyors, bus drivers, financial advisors and pilots as much as He needs priests and archdiocesan administrators.

In the meantime, I want you to do an exercise I’ve done myself: ask three confidants - friends, colleagues, coworkers - to help you see yourself. That you’re in a job that’s a poor fit for your abilities doesn’t mean you’re incapable; I’ve held 8 jobs at 5 employers in the past 15 years, and while I’m good at some, I’ve struggled at others. With the benefit of hindsight I’ve seen that where I thought myself incapable, I was simply trying to do something that I either detested or less -skilled at doing.

The exercise goes like this:

• Have them list all the things they think you enjoy doing.
• Have them list all the things they think you are good at.
• Then the opposites: those things they think you despise, and those things they think you’re bad at.

Look for the intersection of “good at doing” and “enjoy doing”. When I’ve done this, I’ve been told, “You know, you really came alive when you did this last year. I’m sorry you haven’t been able to do the same because you’re really good at it.” DING! And I started studying my current path.

Good luck. I’ll keep your discernment in my prayers tonight.

 

[Lara]

I would not consider donating a priority. Leave that for the older people and the wealthier people. I would try to reduce your cost of living. Many things you think you need you don’t need at all. Things like haircuts (your wife can shave your hair down to one centimetre and she can grow her hair long or cut it herself) and new cars (an old car can often be found for under $5000). I would switch careers if I were you. Pick something that keeps you physically fit so that you are more relaxed about your choices, less anxious. Pick something very practical.

Research where the cost of living is lower or where you can live in a trailer. Or find someplace where you can walk a lot and don’t need a car.

I think you need to explore the reasons your wife wants to stay home. There is some fun to going out two days a week and seeing grown up people. Perhaps she could have a deal with another mother such that they could babysit each other’s children. Or perhaps her mother could help out one day per week. Or perhaps you could take over childcare on Saturdays and she could work at a coffee shop or store.

Even within your current field, there may be a job that’s a bit different.

 

[anonymous-amos]

Again thank you to all who have provided advice.

Regarding professional prestige:

From Annie:

I so would not worry about this. I don’t think people are looking at professional wizards and asking themselves what religion they are. And some of the most faith-filled people I have known were poor, or at least not rich.

From otjm:

I fail to see that Faith enters into the discussion. Faith is not based on personal prestige; it is based on Christ (and as Paul says him crucified).

I see the points that you’re making, and they are very helpful and comforting to me. I often find myself thinking along the lines of, “if I am less intelligent than my peers in this profession, and am falling behind and therefore unable to attain professional prestige, then perhaps I need to switch professions, even if that means starting over, and try to find something I can excel at and obtain prestige”. That sort of thinking might have arisen from passages like the following from St. Josemaria Escriva:

491 You too have a professional vocation which spurs you on. Well, that spur is the hook to fish for men. Rectify your intention, then, and be sure you acquire all the professional prestige you can for the service of God and of souls. The Lord counts on this too. (The Furrow, para. 491)

But perhaps this is a question about priorities. In other words, maybe the first priority is to be able to support my family, and then only after that should I be concerned about professional prestige? Friends, do you have any thoughts about this?

(otjm, I appreciate the tough love in the rest of your post. To clarify, I am not saying that I am so unintelligent that I am not able to work at all in this profession. My point is more that my peers seem far more endowed with intellectual attributes like memory, which lets them work better and faster. This means I am constantly struggling and falling behind, and ties into my question about how to think about the importance of professional prestige.)

 

[Servant31]

I guess I wouldn’t worry about prestige. I’m wondering if he meant it in the same way your thinking. I think of prestige often in a negative light. If we are living for that are we living for Christ? I tend to think that treating others with compassion is the most important piece. Even if someone isn’t the best at…xxx being a a good representative for Christ would be important. But being the best, say Chemist, with tons of awards, and discovered a new coating for cars that’s shinier, but treats his coworkers and students like trash. Thats great but I think a better evangelist would be someone who is good but treats the people in their life well and with compassion.

 

[Socrates92]

The issues you raise: self-assessment of intelligence and suitability; concern about family responsibilities; anxiety about the future etc. are all death with and often effectively in professional counselling.

The OP might very well not have time for that, given what he has described…

 

[Socrates92]

Are we allowed to know what profession you are in, or is that confidential?

 

[on_the_hill]

I’m not a lawyer, but I hire lawyers to work on our staff in the public sector. You seem like one of them. Some of them are young, with young families, and they faced very similar conditions before leaving private practice to come work for us. They took massive pay cuts and I will never ever be able to get even close to paying them what their salaries used to be, but they are glad their quality of life has gone way up in terms of less stress and regular business hours.

 

[otjm]

otjm, I appreciate the tough love in the rest of your post. To clarify, I am not saying that I am so unintelligent that I am not able to work at all in this profession. My point is more that my peers seem far more endowed with intellectual attributes like memory, which lets them work better and faster. This means I am constantly struggling and falling behind, and ties into my question about how to think about the importance of professional prestige.)

Yeah, it is a bit of tough love. You still have left me with a pig in the poke. I have no clue as to what you do, which makes addressing anything about your job near impossible, but then, I spent part of my life defending people accused of crimes, and that too is near impossible. :crazy_face:

Your first issue is in comparing yourself to others. Welcome to the real world. If you boss is communicating that you are not doing well, there is a problem. On the other hand, if you keep getting work, the problem is in your head. God doesn’t give a good fig about how smarter your coworkers are, or how faster they do something. and apparently either your boss does not, or the people who hire you do not.

So what? Are you providing an honest and worthwhile work product? Then what difference does it make? Are others indicating they are better than you, superior to you, smarter than you? Go back to your work product - as long as you stay doing what you are doing and doing the best of your abilities, so what? They are the ones who suffer from pride.

Professional prestige? When you die, do you really think God is going to have an issue with that? Prestige, and a nice certificate (and maybe even a bonus in $$) doesn’t make a whit of difference on the next project; you start anew and have to deliver all over again. Kudos are way over-rated. Results matter. And as my dear, sainted departed mother would constantly say “A pat on the back is just above a kick in the butt.” She was wise about that too.

Seeking “prestige” is seeking glory, seeking status - and that is another way of saying “pride”. It seems to me you are getting results, both as you are still in the field of endeavor, and because you are nicely remunerated. Is that not telling you something? Are you aware of your issues with self-pride? And what do the Gospels tell us about that?

You are put on earth to seek heaven, not earthly “prestige”. You are well paid, provide your wife the opportunity to be with your children instead of having to go to work, and keep being provided opportunities to continue to do your work. It causes stress? How much of that stress are you creating yourself, by comparing yourself to others?

And do you think that a low paying job, lower ability to provide opportunities for your children, and causing your wife to go out and work will not provide stress? Really?

Do you have even the faintest idea what daycare costs?

Do people actually see you struggle? Do they actually see you perform in a mediocre way? Or is that just in your head - your self esteem or lack thereof?

 

[Annie]

Do people actually see you struggle? Do they actually see you perform in a mediocre way? Or is that just in your head - your self esteem or lack thereof?

I wanted to elaborate on this a bit. Sometimes a person can compare themselves to one other person and get a bit tangled up. But sometimes people compare themselves to everyone else: I don’t have a good memory like Joe, and I don’t have Sara’s math skills, and I don’t have Jose’s analytical skills… like a homeowner who tries to remake all his neighbors’ gardens in his own space.

Maybe you don’t have those skills in the amount your coworkers do. But maybe you have your own thing. Maybe you are better at judging something, or have more prudence. Whatever your own quality might be, your boss clearly evaluates you well enough to keep you, so I wouldn’t worry about that.

491 You too have a professional vocation which spurs you on. Well, that spur is the hook to fish for men. Rectify your intention, then, and be sure you acquire all the professional prestige you can for the service of God and of souls. The Lord counts on this too. (The Furrow, para. 491)

One thing to remember when reading things is that they are written in a certain time and place. There are Catholics who believe that humility should cause someone to avoid gaining prestige in one’s profession. This is an error. The point of prestige is that only a few people can get it, just as only a few people can rise in the ranks to become CEO.

Given your description of your work, it sounds like people work like crazy for a few years and make a lot of money, then end up making less under less stressful conditions.

Can you live with that? Do you think you will be able to continue in the usual course that the average person takes in your profession?

If so, will you be able to live at your future level of income? Then you could plan for the future reduction in income by paying off student loans as much as possible and saving as much as possible or making a down payment on a house.