Help please!!!

[LittleLelia]

I’m a 17 year old girl. Last year I started dating a boy who wanted to become Catholic. I wasn’t at a good point and neither was he and the relationship became very physical very quickly (we did not have vaginal sex but we pretty much did everything else) and we did it often. I did not care about myself at this point and he didn’t know how to show affection to me in other ways. After he converted we knew we had to stop at this point everytime we did anything I would start sobbing. I knew my relationship with Christ was disintegrating. I went to confession every week and to adoration and prayed novenas and rosaries but nothing helped. When I found out his grandmother and grand step father were Mason’s *I knew God did not want us to be married in the future. So I broke up with him. I thought that would be the end of my problems with purity since before I dated him I never masturbated because well for one it was a mortal sin *I couldn’t and it hurt and felt weird and I did not like it so there was no temptation. *But now I can’t stop. Curiosity got me and I tried it shortly after I broke up with him Bc I was so heartbroken and I started getting off and it got so bad I once did it 3 times a day. I cry so much because I don’t want this I don’t want to be far from Christ but I can’t stop. I’ve come to my wits end. I’ve tried talking to priests but it’s weird because I’m a girl and I guess they don’t know how to approach me. I don’t want to go to a spiritual director because I’m so ashamed of this. I’ve tried the 3 Hail Marys every morning and night to no avail. I just want to stop but it feels like my body controls me more than my heart and Mind do. Sometimes I’ll tell myself like “no! I’m not doing this! stop!” But it’s as if I’m not doing anything. I just want a way out of this. I don’t want it anymore. I’ve gotten to the point of just wishing I would die after confession so i could never sin again. Please help!!!

 

[TruthSeeker319]

What are your triggers?
Do you do it because you are bored, tired, hungry, sick, etc? Identify your triggers, and then take steps to avoid them.

Is the pornography a problem for you?

Keep praying, keeping going to confession. It might not feel like it, but God is dumping graces upon you every time you do. That means it’s your job to accept them. We can only accept God’s love and grace if we accept it.
Start a special devotion to Mary. She is such a strong person to have in your life. Sinning is saying “no” to God. Mary always said “yes.” Ask her to hold you in her arms the same we she held Christ. Ask her to teach you how to walk, how to walk towards Jesus. Mary was there when baby Jesus fell on his blessed little bum. She can help us when we fall in our spiritual walk too. Ask her to teach you how to hold Jesus as tenderly and lovingly as she held him: first as a babe, then as a bloodied sacrifice.

There is a saying that goes, “We only accept the love we think we deserve.”
Do you think you are worthy of such love?
Do you think you are better than your actions?

I don’t mean “do you know” in a loose sense because it’s obvious from your post that you know these things are wrong and that you deserve better. I mean it in a binding sense. Do you fully understand your worth? Do you fully accept the beauty and worth which God has granted you? Do you fully trust Jesus? Have you forgiven yourself? Do you fully submit yourself to him? Do you leave a place in your heart for divine love?

Do you have a trusted mentor that you could confide in? Do you have an accountability partner? If not, get one.

These are some questions that I have asked myself over the years with my (similar) struggles. They have helped me immensely, I pray they also help you.

Feel free to PM me if you need/want to talk about it more in private.

EDIT: One of the greatest pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten on this subject came from a priest in confession: you should fast.
A simple way to remind yourself is to fast. It doesn’t have to be a total “don’t eat” fast. It could be something simple as choosing your second option when out to eat. Not going back for seconds. Anything that will make you remember why you are giving this thing up. Your giving it to Jesus as a way of saying, “Look, I love this thing, but I am willing to give it up for you because I love you.” Start small, and work up. Eventually you will have to strength to give up stronger temptations and wants.

 

[LittleLelia]

Triggers? I don’t know what triggers it. But it is in my idle moments I find it happening the most.
No, pornography is not a problem for me but sometimes I realize I’m looking at something that is not completely pure or reading an article that isn’t about the most chaste topic which I have worked around and mostly stopped.

I don’t have a trusted mentor. And I don’t know what an accountability partner would do? And who I could find one in?

And thank you for the response I’ve been in such stress and anguish over all this.

 

[Vertical807]

Triggers? I don’t know what triggers it. But it is in my idle moments I find it happening the most.
No, pornography is not a problem for me but sometimes I realize I’m looking at something that is not completely pure or reading an article that isn’t about the most chaste topic which I have worked around and mostly stopped.

I don’t have a trusted mentor. And I don’t know what an accountability partner would do? And who I could find one in?

And thank you for the response I’ve been in such stress and anguish over all this.

By triggers, he means what images or activities triggers you to start lustful things, which of course, leads to sin.

I had a problem somewhat similar to this, but with pornography, and I’m 18. Just keep doing what you’re exactly doing now, I prayed the rosary every night before bed even it meant staying till about 2 a.m. I don’t know about you, but I started doing these lustful things when I was bored and was looking to fill that void (very lapsed Catholic at the time). Start getting involved with Catholic groups, I assume since you’re 17 your about to graduate high school. Start with Life-teen, and when in college, try and find a Young Adult ministry. Also, try to do activities that keep you away from committing this sin, for example, I started playing guitar and power-lifting and its been an amazing experience.

Wishing you the best of luck.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I’m a 17 year old girl. Last year I started dating a boy who wanted to become Catholic. I wasn’t at a good point and neither was he and the relationship became very physical very quickly (we did not have vaginal sex but we pretty much did everything else) and we did it often. I did not care about myself at this point and he didn’t know how to show affection to me in other ways. After he converted we knew we had to stop at this point everytime we did anything I would start sobbing. I knew my relationship with Christ was disintegrating. I went to confession every week and to adoration and prayed novenas and rosaries but nothing helped. When I found out his grandmother and grand step father were Mason’s *I knew God did not want us to be married in the future. So I broke up with him. I thought that would be the end of my problems with purity since before I dated him I never masturbated because well for one it was a mortal sin *I couldn’t and it hurt and felt weird and I did not like it so there was no temptation. *But now I can’t stop. Curiosity got me and I tried it shortly after I broke up with him Bc I was so heartbroken and I started getting off and it got so bad I once did it 3 times a day. I cry so much because I don’t want this I don’t want to be far from Christ but I can’t stop. I’ve come to my wits end. I’ve tried talking to priests but it’s weird because I’m a girl and I guess they don’t know how to approach me. I don’t want to go to a spiritual director because I’m so ashamed of this. I’ve tried the 3 Hail Marys every morning and night to no avail. I just want to stop but it feels like my body controls me more than my heart and Mind do. Sometimes I’ll tell myself like “no! I’m not doing this! stop!” But it’s as if I’m not doing anything. I just want a way out of this. I don’t want it anymore. I’ve gotten to the point of just wishing I would die after confession so i could never sin again. Please help!!!

1. The fact is, a lot of women masturbate. Men get the rap for it, but listen, I’ve dated a lot of Catholic women and non-Catholic women in my time. They’re guilty as charged.

It’s not a justification, just know you are’t the first girl to do it. and you will hear from most secular sources that masturbation is normal, healthy, ect. yadda yadda.

1. I get that talking to a priest (a man) isn’t easy for you and that’s embarrassing. But you do need to ask a Confessor/spiritual director if and when this is a mortal sin for you.
2. I don’t think you need a priest or a male to be your spiritual director. I would inquire if there is a nun or other qualified woman you may be more comfortable talking to about this.
3. Try to attend daily Mass when you can.

 

[Myst]

I had a similar problem at your age. I learned that the moment I felt the urges I’d have to get up, pray, and then find something to distract myself.

1. get up. Literally move away and distract your body (I used to remind myself that I control my body, and it does not control me. May or may not work for you).
2. pray - I have religious pictures and crucifixes in every room of the house so that I can focus my prayers. Yes, even the bathroom. I can get a lot of good prayer done in there, and God made bodily functions so He must not mind them too much.
3. Distract your mind. Don’t think about polar bears. You just thought about them didn’t you? After you pray for help, distraction is vital to survival. The more you think about it, the harder it will get. Any distraction is better than mortal sin. I would call a friend, make a snack, watch a kid’s movie (there is nothing erotic about Tinkerbell and the Secret of the Wings, haha), you get the point.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Resources that might help:

beggarsdaughter.com/resources/

chastityproject.com/qa/category/starting-over/

Every Young Woman’s Battle (not specifically Catholic but lots of good advice) - waterbrookmultnomah.com/sneak-peek-every-young-womans-battle-by-shannon-ethridge-and-stephen-arterburn/

Creative Interests and Hobbies - something you’ve always wanted to try - painting, writing, volunteering, photography, the list is endless.

Exercise - get some endorphins to your brain in a morally licit way, and fight depression and loneliness that might tempt you back into the old addiction.

 

[AdamP88]

Triggers? I don’t know what triggers it. But it is in my idle moments I find it happening the most.

You can develop a “spiritual strategy” for battling these temptations. You could say short little prayers to Jesus in such moments (and throughout the day). (“Lord, have mercy on me, a poor sinner” was a prayer of St. Dominic. Also - Sacred Heart of Jesus I place all my trust in Thee)

Pray continually to St. Michael the Archangel and Our Lady.

You could always try exercising too. Jump up and run around the block if you feel tempted. Many of the Saints resisted temptation by jumping in cold water or something similar. The tiredness you get from exercise for some reason is less likely to lend itself to temptation to the tiredness of fatigue.

Most importantly, receive the Eucharist often and go to confession weekly if you need to.

I would say you should find a good spiritual director, even if it;s awkward to talk to a priest at first, the fact is that most priests have heard what you have to tell them many times before. Your sins are not unique, the Devil just wants you to think they are.