HELP! Spiritual Pride, Jealousy, Selfishness, and Despair

[ModernCatholic]

Hello CAF! I have a few questions:
Recently I’ve been struggling with a reoccurring thought which I think perfectly demonstrates the imperfection of the human conscience and intelligence. What I mean is that sometimes when I look and see that (for example) Mary (literally) has more love for God than all of the angels and Saints combined and is now the Queen of Heaven, and that John the Baptist had been given by Jesus, the title of “the greatest man born of woman”, and that I can literally never achieve that level of holiness, I start to think along the lines of, “If I can never be the greatest, why even try at all?”

One key thing that I think is important to point out here is that I am not doubting that I can ever become holy or even very holy, it’s just the though that I know (absolutely) that i can never be the holiest and that from my birth, I was always predestined to sin. I recognize the uncanny parallels between this and the “thought process” which turns the devil into what he is now. He aimed to be something infinitely more than him which led to an ultimate paradoxical opposition to God. It certainly must be that same or a similar idea which is infiltrating my mind. It is almost as if I feel that I could have just woken up one day and found out that I was not what I am now, but actually just woken up as St. John the Baptist or St. Mary. And wake up knowing that not just my life, but my whole eternity of existence was going to be not just a good one, but the best I could have ever wanted. Almost as if it’s just bad luck that I am not one of the greatest and never can/will be.

Again I am not thinking that I can never be great but just that it’s actually impossible for me to compare to the largest souls of heaven who have already been predetermined to be in the highest spots and have the most enlightened existances no matter what I do. As if I haven’t been given a chance to prove myself or as if I just wasn’t wanted. I feel as though if we hadn’t already been told the results, I could have had a shot at winning life but since I already know that there’s no place for me and no way for me to get into or achieve the highest places in heaven, I might as well not even try. I feel as though I’ve been shown that I was a loser before I even had a chance to take a shot at being holiest. This thought may be related/linked to my perfectionistic attitude and has been lingering and disturbing me for about a month now and I am starting to realize just how dangerous this is. Better is one day in God’s court than thousands elsewhere. It is better to barely make it into heaven as the least of all God-made souls than to spend one day without out Him. The only way I can figure out to describe this is a spiritual pride and jealousy driven by selfishness but I don’t think that that terminology really captures the essence of my problem.

 

[ModernCatholic]

Clearly the negative effects of this “disorder” are innumerable, deppression, making it to hell, jealousy, despair, and pretty much all of the other evil things which the devil designed specifically to resonate with human insecurities and then sprout and completely destroy the human soul from the inside out. And I don’t want that to happen to me. So I came here to ask and would like to know;

1. If there is a common term for this spiritual disease (like scrupulousity, pride, etc.),
2. If any of you have ever struggled with a similar thing,
3. If you know of any Catholic who has struggled with something like this (so I can look into what they did),
4. How to solve/fix/deal with this problem and get rid of it and not allow it to ever destroy my life and soul. Any thought processes which could counteract the one possesing my mind now.

I am ready to hear your answers and am waiting anxiously for them! From a fellow brother in Christ to all my fellow siblings who are in the same boat.

-MC

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Hi,
First of all, if I may make a suggestion, you might get more people to read if you format your first post into short paragraphs rather than one long wall of text. Some people on here have vision problems and literally can’t see that well enough to read. Other people just find it hard to follow walls of text.

Second, while I have never met anyone in person who suffered from this condition, there was somebody on here a few months ago who didn’t like Mary because they felt like they were in some competition with her to be the holiest creature. Your post seems like the same thing.

Third, I would suggest you not view this as your mind being “possessed” but rather that you simply have a bad thinking pattern and you need to fix it.

Fourth, you need to focus on you yourself and being the best “you” that you can be. God made Mary specifically to be Mary. He made John the Baptist specifically to be John the Baptist. He made you to be You.

I don’t think anyone is going to dispute that we have had dozens, probably hundreds, of great saints throughout the entire life of the Church. If they’d all just given up because they were never going to be Mary or John the Baptist, we would have had zero saints other than Mary and John the Baptist, because Mary and John the Baptist were around even before there was a Jesus, let alone before there was a church.

This whole type of thinking reminds me of this story I read about Gelsey Kirkland, a famous ballerina. She was kind of short and (for a ballerina) stubby or podgy or whatever. She wasn’t tall and super thin. She had body envy of other dancers and one day she was going on and on to her dance teacher about this other dancer, Natasha, and what a lovely neck Natasha had and how she used it when she danced and how Gelsey wished she had Natasha’s neck. The teacher replied, “Yes, she has a lovely neck. Now, what are we going to do with you?”

The point is that you don’t need to compete with other saints. God doesn’t want you to be a copy of Mary. He wants Mary to be Mary, and you to be the best You that You can be. Furthermore, if you do a good job being the best You that you can be, then you and Mary are going to end up in the same heaven, looking at God.

 

[ModernCatholic]

First of all, if I may make a suggestion, you might get more people to read if you format your first post into short paragraphs rather than one long wall of text. Some people on here have vision problems and literally can’t see that well enough to read. Other people just find it hard to follow walls of text.

I agree. I’ll go fix that now that I am on my computer (I was on mobile before). I just needed to type before!

Second, while I have never met anyone in person who suffered from this condition, there was somebody on here a few months ago who didn’t like Mary because they felt like they were in some competition with her to be the holiest creature. Your post seems like the same thing.

The thing is that I do love Mary and all the saints. (Of course, it is Catholic teaching that loving is not merely an emotion or feeling but a conscious choice which one chooses to do.) This is honestly more of an underlying idea that keeps getting reentered into my head. Almost as if into my subconscious. I am not consciously making any decisions based on these ideas (like the decision to not like Mary) but it is a lingering thought which tempts me to end up even less holy than I already am (if any) and disturbs me deeply. Remember the devil’s ultimate goal is to separate us from God and he will do anything to make sure that happens since that is his end goal. Any thought process which suggests or brings me to such conclusions is intrinsically disordered.

Third, I would suggest you not view this as your mind being “possessed” but rather that you simply have a bad thinking pattern and you need to fix it.

I don’t actually believe/view this as my mind being possessed (like how most today would think of it, as in demonic exorcists’ work), I just wrote that I guess to possibly sound more poetic but also bring attention to the seriousness of this negative thought process. This could seriously lead to me losing heaven altogether (which is pretty serious) or even actual demonic possession. Remember, this is the same precursor which occurred, when Satan, one of the greater angels, wanted to be greater than he already was; and we all know what happened to him. I also said “possessed” because that is what it feels like, not because that’s what it objectively is.

 

[ModernCatholic]

Fourth, you need to focus on you yourself and being the best “you” that you can be. God made Mary specifically to be Mary. He made John the Baptist specifically to be John the Baptist. He made you to be You.
…
Furthermore, if you do a good job being the best You that you can be, then you and Mary are going to end up in the same heaven, looking at God.

Regarding all the advice you gave me in that last bit, I do agree with what you said. I believe that I am called to be the best me I can be and not a “less perfect” Mary. As I explained before, I don’t feel like I am in a competition with other Saints, I just feel as though God already has all the great saints and so there is no need for me. I also have enough theological knowledge to recognize that this thought pattern isn’t true and that the conclusions which following it reaches are faulty. It is not (or at least doesn’t seem like it’s) me that needs to be convinced that I still need to be holy and that there is still a spot for me in heaven. Rather, I need and am asking for some sort of thing that I can just think about when these thoughts come to mind which will completely wipe this struggling thought out and prevent it from disturbing me. Even though my rational conscience has deemed this to be incorrect, my imperfect human mind still persists in trying to continue with this train of thought and wherever it ends up. I may add that I am a very “thinking” person which means I stay within my own head a lot and so may be more susceptible to these types temptations and errors in reason than others.

Maybe I should have provided some more context as to how I’ve coped with this until now. One thing I’ve thought about was how God didn’t even need anyone to begin with. Not Mary, nor John the Baptist. He was Himself on his own and that was enough. However, he wanted to extend his Fatherly love to others so he created us. God didn’t die bloody on a tree just for Mary and John the Baptist, but for the whole world. What Jesus has said over and over again has been that he longs the most to acquire every soul for himself; not just a few. It is better to be the least holy and great in heaven than to be the least evil in hell. God created me to love him so I literally cannot succeed in choosing to do anything else. The fact that Jesus called me into life within his body to begin with (and that the Son of God is the ultimacy and supremacy of intelligence and knowledge) proves that it is not at all and in no way meaningless for me to serve him. That serving him, even though I will never be the greatest, is the best thing that I could ever do. And overall, putting all the emotions and sacrifices and how much God loves us aside (not actually aside but thinking besides that) the fact is that I am still an incomprehensibly minuscule atom in comparison and that I was called by an all-powerful God to love and serve him means that that is what I must do. Not only should but a duty. (Not in a slavish, mean God way but just that that is simply what I am). That has sort-of helped but I am looking for more thoughts which could combat the other ones.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I just feel as though God already has all the great saints and so there is no need for me

God doesn’t make junk

God doesn’t “need” us or anything, but he made us because he wanted us to be his friends.

He made you because he wanted you specifically to be his friend.

Are you going to let God down?

 

[ModernCatholic]

When testing this out, the next thought that comes to mind is, “but I can’t ever be his best friend.” What should I say to that? Thank-you!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

God doesn’t play favorites like that. He’s not the queen bee in “Mean GIrls”. Nor is he limited like a human would be to having only one or two “Best Friends”. God is perfectly capable of being everybody’s best friend at once and that’s exactly what he is to the souls who get to see him.

 

[Delphinus]

I think it’s more like a mother and her children here. There may be saints that are more “notable” but he loves us all the same amount - infinitely. It’s like saying if a mother has more than one kid, that she loves each one less because there is a finite supply to go around. You ARE His best friend. If no one else in the world ever knew him and it was JUST you, it wouldn’t matter in how he views you. He does EVERYTHING for YOU.

 

[stpiosson]

The root of the problem seems to be in not understanding the role of Holy Mary and the Saints in salvation history. That and pride perhaps. Look out also for the subtle influence of Satan in promoting discouragement. Look to these and you can make great progress. You will not be stuck in this way of thinking forever but you must work on it.