Help! This seems so backward to me

[Lizard31088]

I am a college student (20 years old). All of my life, my family has had a very close relationship…except with my dad. I know I need to respect him (and I do, very much), but I always feel like he hates me.
My brothers and I have been talking about growing up lately and have realized that our father has abandoned us more than we ever realized. There were countless times when he said he would be at events that we were involved in, but would never show up. For instance, when I was a Girl Scout, I earned my Silver Award and he didn’t come to the ceremony. That may seem like it shouldn’t be a big deal, but for me it was. I had worked really hard to earn it and he chose to go bowling with some friends instead. I may have been able to understand if his absence was because of work (he’s a counselor and can’t always totally plan his schedule), but it wasn’t. It was to go have fun with friends. I am not saying that he doesn’t deserve to have fun, but why did he have to choose that night to go when he knew about the ceremony a month ahead of time. Things like this have happened in my life quite frequently.
My dad works a lot. He isn’t home very much…but it’s not all because he’s working. I am 100% convinced that he is an alcoholic because he constantly comes home smelling of alcohol and with slurred speech. However, when my mom approached him and talked to him about his need for help, he replied “I’m not an alcoholic! Alcoholics look like bums-they look dirty, like they are living on the streets!” He finally chose to go to AA meetings, but the psychologist in him said that he didn’t need it and that he could quit on his own, so he quit going. We’ve given up on it, but still worry about him.
Even though he has let me down, abandoned me, and caused tons of worry and stress in my life, I feel like I need to mend the relationship with him. The problem is that I have no idea how…What do I do? I’ve tried talking to him and suggesting activities that we would both enjoy doing together, but there is always an excuse at the last minute to get him out of it. It breaks my heart. I know I need to do something.
I know this is a really long post and I apologize, but I think background info is necessary in this case.
Any suggestions of what to do to create a better relationship with him? Even if you have no suggestions, prayers would be appreciated. Thanks!!

 

[mom2boyz]

I’ve had a similar experience to yours.

First of all you will need to work on forgiving him for all that he didn’t do. This will help you. It may be counselling, al-anon, or spiritual direction or all 3. Do this for yourself, because it will help you make a good life inspite of your relationship with your dad.

Second, look at him and decide now you will not marry a man who acts like the part you don’t like about your father. When the time comes, find a good man who doesn’t drink and who holds to good moral values. This will be a place of comfort for you when things get difficult with your father. I am not suggesting marriage right now or even a relationship, but have this idea in your mind when/if you date.

I find that my relationship with my dad is about the things he likes. So I discuss politics with him. I debate with him. I talk about things that are funny. I only do this when I know he is sober otherwise it is a waste of my time. All relationships have limits. I stay within the limits of the relationship I can have with my dad. It is where he wants it to be.

There are functional alcoholics. My dad has always held a job. In fact he made a good living. There are some very admirable things my dad has done. Being an alcoholic doesn’t negate those things for me. I wish and pray that he will quit. I find it extremely frustrating that he hasn’t. But I can’t make him. I do point out to him when his drinking has affected me. I try to maintain contact with him when he is sober. And there are times that he is. It does make me feel sad at times.

I doubt he hates you. Maybe he didn’t come to those things that were important to you. But didn’t he provide for you? Love takes many forms. For some men providing for their families is the way they show they care.

The serenity prayer helps me keep things in perspective.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

So in all things ask yourself if it is something you can change. If not, let it go. Mostly the things that you can change are things that have to do with yourself.

 

[KingAlfred]

Sorry to hear about your father. Try to remember that we don’t need anyone but Jesus Christ. We must be emotionally prepared to say goodbye to everyone else in our lives, if circumstances dictate. That sounds cold, but I feel it’s an accurate assessment.

 

[Lizard31088]

Thanks everyone!
I just get really frustrated because I feel like I’m always helping him with projects or other things and always being considerate of him, but I get nothing (literally nothing) in return. I know it’s not true since he kept a roof over my head and food in my stomach all my life, but that’s just how it seems sometimes.
I appreciate the advice and prayers very much!