Help to Ensure This Soul Becomes Baptized

[Gem02]

It has been a long hard road and God has called me several times to come to him. I’ve been confused, fearful, doubtful, stubborn, lazy, etc…

One thing that really hits me is doubt. These internet debates can really get to me and I have spent a long time trying to prove this or that to myself despite often feeling desperate to enter the Church which has been calling my heart. It is a literal ache, a great longing I have but at the same time I become assailed with doubts which often pop up in order to suppress these feelings. I believe it is of demonic origin and my own over-analytical mind (I have social anxiety disorder). For a long time I felt that I had to know all the answers and they had to be perfectly logical and sound. I thought that converting with “proof” otherwise would be intellectually dishonest. I believe now that God is calling me. The longing is too unbearable.

However, despite my longing to enter the church my doubtful mind or the devils trying to prevent me from converting might overwhelm me again. Yes, again. See I’ve thought about converting about 2 or 3 times before. I want this to be the last time I have to go through this painful process. I’m not a perfect person and without the sacraments I know it makes it harder to really want to be a Christian. When things come up and I have to act in a christian way it is difficult to say the least. My social anxiety also makes me over-analyze everything I do and so I end up with being really scrupulous. Basically, I end up overwhelmed, full of doubts and feeling really lonely on my journey. In the other 2 times I’ve been to an RCIA class I would just stop going. But something always draws me back to Catholicism.

This time all I did was watch a bit of EWTN and I remembered all that I find beautiful about Catholicism. The remarkableness of the saints, hearing about how wonderful heaven is, Jesus sacrifice for humanity, and God’s fierce love for us. Those things are what draw me back all the time. Also, the moral teachings, Gregorian chant, beautiful liturgies, Catholic art, history and many many other things as well.

But like I said before I still get doubts and I think I need to prove Jesus is real first, or I need to explain the hard parts of the bible, or I need to have first read the whole new testament or this or that. Not necessarily even for myself but so that if anyone asks or I need to share my faith with someone else I need to know all these apologetics. It’s horrible because I already believe in my heart but this “stuff” would hold me back. I realize now though God is calling me and I don’t need all this to come to him “properly”.

This post is getting long so I’m going to get to the point.

I’m going to contact the local parish and talk to the pastor. And I going to start visiting a church every single day and pray. Times before I was too worried. But I want to finally make it to Easter and be baptized. Every Easter that comes around I think, “I could have entered the church today”. Since my local parish starts RCIA during September/October I have a chance to enter the church this Easter, God willing. But I’m worried that things will repeat itself. I need some encouragement. And I know had I had a friend I’d probably have entered long ago. My family is not Catholic, my mother seems to be a little anti-catholic although she hadn’t opposed me when I told her long ago I wanted to convert. And I don’t have any friends (my social anxiety makes it really difficult) so it would be really great if I could have some Catholic people here to email me and encourage me until Easter or just check to see I’m making good on my promise to go to church everyday. Advise would be welcome especially about growing closer to Jesus and his church.

 

[CAshtn16]

Hi

I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed by things, I also know I have a terrible tendency to overanalyze things, to condemn myself for what I perceive to be ‘wrong’ with my faith

Do you know other people locally who are Catholics? Maybe chatting with them, as well as talking to the pastor and the RCIA classes, both of which are vitally important, might serve to ease your mind a bit. Remember that God will never judge us, certainly not in the way we often judge ourselves.

I know going to a new church, and conversion is a scary road. Whilst I’ve never converted, being a cradle Catholic, choosing the right church for my husband and I was not an easy thing to do.

The Catholic church is a family of millions of people, I know if I’m asked by interested people about my faith, I try to allay any fears they might have

Hope that helps a bit

 

[Cartesian]

I am cradle Catholic and sometimes I which I were not.

I was baptised when toddler, so sometimes I get kind of angry that I don’t have memories of that day despite the black and white pictures. Every baptism I attend I get a bit of envy. If being a witness to someone being born again give me goosebumps, how much being there. I think you couldn’t get better reception at the Catholic family. So many details about that day come to my mind, the white robes, candle lights, the homily, beautiful baptismal songs, the creed, it is just so special and beautiful.

I really wish I could go back to my first Communion. After years wondering how would be like to taste and eat the sacramental bread I was shaking at that moment. And then I could not describe you how does it feel, that was the same I was told before my first Communion and now I understand why. But I assure you you will never forget.

And than there is the sacrament of confirmation. I really think everyone should be confirmed every Sunday. How it would be good to be anointed again by the hands of the bishop. To recall what is expected from us as Catholics, to remind us that we are now adults in faith, to hear about charisma and to receive the Holy Spirit.

I am quite nostalgic of those moments. But the Catholic Church is alive everyday. My godfather described the mass for me as a banquet. He says every mass you should go with the best clothes you have. The ones you would use if you were going to meet the President. Because there is someone much more important than anyone else in that banquet. Don’t you want to take part integrally in the best party ever? When I was in a normal Catholic archdiocese with regular masses I couldn’t wait for Sunday. If I am tired, if I am hungry, if I have sinned, I always leave the mass more complete and with a smile and a sense of mission in my face.

Wait no more, welcome to the family

 

[Gem02]

So I actaully made it to church today but it wasn’t easy. Half way there I prayed ‘Jesus, if you’re there you’re going to have to make me go somehow.’ I hadn’t been in a church for at least over a year. Luckily the side door of the church was open or else I might have just walked right past the church to scared and unsure to enter. I stayed there for about 15 minutes and prayed for some help and then left the church. After leaving I was very happy that I had made it but only a few minutes afterward I was assailed by doubts again. “What if this isn’t the right religion? What if this is all fake? How could a Jewish man from 2,000 years ago be God?” “How can you be so sure?”, questions like that. It’s awful really. By the time I got home I started to feel depressed. I do feel better now and I do plan on going to church again tomorrow. I’m determined. I do feel like these are demonic attacks. I feel also that I need to spend more time praying and reading and filling my mind with more things about Catholicism. I think it I don’t do something actively everyday to build my faith and to speak with God I could easily give up again or become overwhelmed.

CAshtn16:

Do you know other people locally who are Catholics? Maybe chatting with them, as well as talking to the pastor and the RCIA classes, both of which are vitally important, might serve to ease your mind a bit. Remember that God will never judge us, certainly not in the way we often judge ourselves.

Thank you for responding. Unfortunately I don’t personally know any people who are Catholics. I’m so shy it makes it difficult to go up and talk to anyone face to face. Even talking on internet makes me a bit nervous. I really want to try though and I think I will try to scope out someone to talk to after going to church more, that way I can find some regulars.

Cartesian,
Thank you for sharing your experience of first communion. Holy Communion is one of the biggest reasons for why I want to come to Catholicism. Even when I hadn’t been going to church I’d watch it on TV and my favorite part was watching everyone going up to receive communion. I wanted to be one of the people going up.

 

[mcrts]

So I actaully made it to church today but it wasn’t easy. Half way there I prayed ‘Jesus, if you’re there you’re going to have to make me go somehow.’ I hadn’t been in a church for at least over a year. Luckily the side door of the church was open or else I might have just walked right past the church to scared and unsure to enter. I stayed there for about 15 minutes and prayed for some help and then left the church. After leaving I was very happy that I had made it but only a few minutes afterward I was assailed by doubts again. “What if this isn’t the right religion? What if this is all fake? How could a Jewish man from 2,000 years ago be God?” “How can you be so sure?”, questions like that. It’s awful really. By the time I got home I started to feel depressed. I do feel better now and I do plan on going to church again tomorrow. I’m determined. I do feel like these are demonic attacks. I feel also that I need to spend more time praying and reading and filling my mind with more things about Catholicism. I think it I don’t do something actively everyday to build my faith and to speak with God I could easily give up again or become overwhelmed.

The devil will try to keep you away from God. He attacks when you are weakest, and where you have the most doubt. But you have the desire for God and to be part of something greater than yourself. Don’t let him stop you. Pray unceasingly to God and ask Him to give you the courage to overcome your fears and doubts.

As someone who has struggled and still struggle at times with social anxiety, I understand where you’re coming from. I am no expert, but perhaps it is because there is little balance internally, we tend to demand order and balance in our external surroundings. (Which is, you know, impossible to attain.)

So the first thing you should do is give yourself a break. Don’t worry or fret that you are not good enough for God, or that He will judge you for your past failures and faults. He doesn’t expect you to be perfect when you come to Him; He knows that we none of us can attain absolute perfection in this lifetime. Rather, He wants you to come to Him with *your *heart, broken and wounded as it is, because that is the heart He’s placed in you. That is the heart which He desires to dwell in.

Love God. Love yourself. And love your neighbour as yourself. I will pray that you come home to us soon!

God Bless,
MC.

 

[CarolNoel]

I will pray for you.