Help w/ a depressed parent

[jeanine]

hi, i had posted a question to you all about a year ago concerning doing something special for my mom on the one year anniversary of the loss of my dad. i recieved tremendous suggestions.

we are now approaching the 2 year mark and while my sister and i and our families have continued to go on, of course with severe bouts of sadness over my dad, my mom continues to be in a deep depression. it is so bad that she does not go out, turns down about 50% of the things that i ask her to do w/ us and when she does accept, she is not fun. she is actually down right mean to me. i am her ‘whipping boy’ so to speak. she only lives about 7 minutes away and i am lucky if i see her 1 time a week.

things are getting so bad. she is so nasty…she gives me the cold shoulder. now i am to the point that i do not want to be around her and i actually breathe a sigh of rellief when she does not accept an invitation. to top it off…she hates my husband…she has told me this and has no problems telling me his faults…all of which i know (dont we all have them!) but it makes it worse…then she gets me mad at him! if we all go to mass together…she will sit as far away from him as possible and avoids doing peace w/ him.

i have come to realize now how much my ‘saint’ of a father buffered her from us…help

i feel like such a horrible daughter…daughters are supposed to take care of their moms (she is only 62) but at the same time, God help me, i do not like her…God forgive me…

 

[Scout]

She is obviously in deep depression and needs to see a dr. You can suggest this to her, but if she’s unwilling to go then there’s nothing you can do.

Personally, I wouldn’t allow someone around me or my children if I knew they hated my husband. I don’t care who it is. I have family members who don’t like my husband, and we don’t associate with them. My husband is my top priority-you mess with him, you mess with me.

Also, it’s probably not good for your children to be around her if she’s going to be so negative and mean all the time. Children can be very sensitive and they may think it’s their fault that their grandmother is like that. I may be way off on this, because I don’t know how old your children are, but I would be conscerned. Plus, it’s just not good for them to be around someone so negative because they may pick up that attitude and think it’s acceptable.

If she’s unwilling to see the problem and get help, tell her she can’t be around your family anymore. Tell her you love her, but you can’t subject your family to her negativity and depression anymore. If she still refuses to get help, then you know that she’d rather be depressed than get the help she needs to be a better parent to you and grandmother to your children.

These are just my thoughts. I will pray for you and for your family. I know this is really difficult. My mother has battled depression for years. She’s on meds no and is a great grandmother, but she did have some rough times for a few years.

Scout :tiphat:

 

[jeanine]

thank you scout…this is exactly what my husband says…bascially do not go down the negative road, when i see/speak to her be real positive and upbeat.

my kids are 4 and 6…my six year old has been thru alot as a result of all of this and it is not fair, i say it is ENOUGH…my dad would never had wanted this…his main concern when he was sick were the grand kids…he used to say ‘i just dont want to bring this into your house!’…

the reality of it is, i see what you are saying but i cant discommunicate myself from her, she is my mom…i love her because she is my mom…i agree she needs to see a doc…she is on meds but they obvioulsy are not working…thank you for your prayers.

 

[rayne89]

You are a good daughter! You can’t force help on someone who doesn’t want it.

My sister died when I was 13 and I can really relate to what your going through. I became an only child and my mom poured out all her rage over my sister’s death onto me. In the years directly after she was a very miserable person to be around. She was very mean to me and my father. She refused counseling unless the counseler agreed with her on everything. She accused my dad of brainwashing me and turning me against her. Some of things she would say to me are just horrid.

Over time things have improved but she still has her bouts. My dad gets more of the abuse because he lives with her still and their relationship has just gotten ugly over the years.It has been 20 years since my sisters death.

At one point shortly after the birth of my daughter we had a blow out agrument and I stopped talking to her. I managed to get my mom to agree to going to counseling with me but even the counselor finally told me in my private session she doesn’t think my mom is capable of change. It was behavior that would have to change.

You are not reponsible for “fixing” your mom, and God does not expected you to take abuse from her either. Simply tell your mom the topic of your husband is off limits. If she begins her negative comments quickly end the conversation even if that means physically leaving. I absolutely will not tolerate attacks on my husband whether there is truth in them or not. And abusive comments whether directed at you or your husband should not be tolerated. Sometimes I listen to my mom rant about my dad because she really has know one else to talk to. (She has too much pride to share her problems with anyone else.) It’s generally while we’re on the phone and I will do other things while we’re talking making an occasionally uh-huh so she knows I’m “listening.” I’ve learned to absolutely not give any advise because she only gets angrier.

My mom is 78 so I can understand you feeling guilty about taking care of your mom, I’ve been there. Pray for her, call her and check on her, invite she out once in a while but if she becomes abusive it’s time to go home (or end the phone conversation). As far as her sitting as far away from your husband as possible -just ignore it. It’s childish of her and she’s doing it because she knows it bothers you.

And you are not a bad daughter. It sounds like you’ve been trying very hard to help your mom, and have only suffered because of it.

 

[Scout]

jeanine:

thank you scout…this is exactly what my husband says…bascially do not go down the negative road, when i see/speak to her be real positive and upbeat.

my kids are 4 and 6…my six year old has been thru alot as a result of all of this and it is not fair, i say it is ENOUGH…my dad would never had wanted this…his main concern when he was sick were the grand kids…he used to say ‘i just dont want to bring this into your house!’…

the reality of it is, i see what you are saying but i cant discommunicate myself from her, she is my mom…i love her because she is my mom…i agree she needs to see a doc…she is on meds but they obvioulsy are not working…thank you for your prayers.

I understand what you’re saying. And you don’t have to cut yourself off from her, but you can refuse to let her see your children. Plus, if this continues, it’s going to become a major problem between you and your husband, and you don’t want that to happen. Your marriage needs to come first.

Does your husband know how she feels about him? And if he does, what do you think it says to him about that when you continue to invite her to things?

I know this is a difficult situation for you, especially since it’s just after loosing your father. I pray that God will help you know what’s best and that He’ll give you the strength to do it, whatever it is.
Scout :tiphat:

 

[jeanine]

thank you so much for the feedback…it has been all consuming w/in my househould…i just wish things could be different…