Help with Adult Son

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BOBKAT

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I need some good sound advice from some unbias ears. My oldest who isn’t my husbands child I was a single mother never married. Anyhow my problem is this. He has this attitude that I find rather annoying example he likes to man handle my little one who is 8 and I don’t like it because it leads to someone always getting hurt and besides he is 16 years older and it just doesn’t seem right. Here is the thing I will tell him to stop and he will argue with me right in front of the little one. Well at first I told him that I didn’t like that and that it showed disrespect well he had an argument for that. It got so bad I had to ask him to move out. I told him his rules had no place in my home and besides it was time for him to get his own place. I already know he is immature I need to know if anyone has any first hand experince that can help me deal with him so that I can help him at the same time. Does any of this make any sense? Right now we aren’t even talking because I got him a job interview through my uncle only to find out he embarrassed me when I confronted him he told me what he said to the gentleman and one of the things was my mom wants me to get a job. How bad is that and he still didn’t figure it out. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

God Bless
Kathleen
 
It’s sad, but true that it appears your oldest ds has to face some hard knocks to learn some life lessons. I think you did the right thing by having him move out - it’s never okay to hurt another, especially family. He is old enough to know better and argueing with you about it isn’t just a sign of disrespect, it could have sent a message to your younger child that you wouldn’t or couldn’t protect him frm that bullying.
 
Seems like a little tough love is in order. He is 24 years old, old enough to deal with the consequences of his choices. When he has no place to live, no food to eat, no money for clothes, maybe he’ll decide that it’s not “his mom wants him to get a job”, but that getting a job is what grown people do in this world, and that maybe getting a job is a wise choice if he wants to eat and have a place to live.

The best way to help him is to let him fall flat on his butt. You can talk yourself silly, but until he HAS to deal with the consequences of his choices, he will continue to do what he is doing.

Not an easy thing, I know, but think about what the next 15, 20, 25 years will be like if you don’t take a stand now.
 
i agree with dhgrey. let him find his own way. maybe he’ll learn. i’m 24 myself, and i kind of know what he’s doing. i have alot of friends that are the same way. BTW i went to the military at 18 and they straghtened me out real fast.
 
Thanks everyone, I made several suggestions towards the military in fact it was his father’s saving grace. He is not budging (did I spell that correctly?) anyhow I prayed for this strength and by God’s grace I manage to get him to move out. Please keep him in your prayers and again thanks for the support I think that is what I needed.

God Bless
Kathleen
 
no way an adult male should be “man-handling” an 8 yr old, your priority is protecting your younger son. Get the 24 yr old out of the house and on his own, where he should be, immediately.
 
Hi puzzleannie,

I should be more clear he wrestles with him alot it is fun but the age difference and size difference is what always bothered me and when I would ask him to stop he always gave me and argument and that was my biggest problem. He would say things like mommy doesn’t want us to have any fun. He is not a mean person just someone who needs to grow up. And he is out now.

Thanks
Kathleen
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puzzleannie:
no way an adult male should be “man-handling” an 8 yr old, your priority is protecting your younger son. Get the 24 yr old out of the house and on his own, where he should be, immediately.
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puzzleannie:
no way an adult male should be “man-handling” an 8 yr old, your priority is protecting your younger son. Get the 24 yr old out of the house and on his own, where he should be, immediately.
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Whether you get him out or not, he simply has to understand that he has no right, legal or otherwise, to override your decision with your child.

When he takes you to court and wins a custody battle over this, then he can override your decisions on how the child is to be handled. Until then, he can stay as long as he knows that breaking the law in your house will not be permitted.

Technically his arguments have no merit no matter what he says because he is breaking the law and putting a child into danger. That is behavior that can get a man killed, in or out of prison. As a 24 year old he needs to know that he can’t have his way with other people’s responsibilities. Those who enforce the laws he’s breaking have very little patience for this kind of thing.

Yes, maybe the chances of your son being hurt are far-fetched, but if he does get hurt than he is immediately risking getting hostile lawyers involved and then nobody wins. If he’s willing to go to jail for his rights to shake your child, then you might have to be willing to give him the ultimatum, enforceable by eviction at police gunpoint if necessary. (You don’t have to say that last part but know the law would be on your side. I’m not a lawyer, so if I’m wrong lawyers chime in here please.)

Alan
 
AlanFromWichita said:
(You don’t have to say that last part but know the law would be on your side. I’m not a lawyer, so if I’m wrong lawyers chime in here please.)
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:o

:crying:

I’m sorry all. I was overreacting (not my first time), and would never advocate calling in an authority between family members. Never go to court; settle outside if at all necessary.

If it were a life threatening emergency, you do what you have to do but otherwise I would like to strike that last remark in my previous post if at all possible.

Alan
 
My question is, why was he ever allowed to grow up this way?

90% of how a child turns out is based upon parents. I am so against just “throwing” someone out and I don’t know what his side of the story is.

Also someone suggested the army, I’m sorry but how can anyone suggest that? I certainly wouldn’t want to put my son (if I had one) in the army where he may be sent off to die.

It just perplexes me how parents have such a great opportunity raising a child but they don’t see that and then just complain later on when their child turns out wrong.

Many times when an older child is still at home, they certainly don’t want to be there. What are you supposed to do in the world today where the majority of ones peers are having pre-marital sex and living together outside of marriage and meanwhile you are trying to find a way to make ends meet and trying to figure out how you can move out and make ends meet in a world you are scared of. It’s not that simple to just say “kick him out”, where does he go then? Many prostitues are woman who ran away from bad situations at home or were kicked out.

That being said, it is not your responsibility to have to deal with misbehaving, no matter how old he is. If he lives under your roof he lives by your rules. It doesn’t matter how old, you still have an opportunity to teach and make him a better person!

Edit: Also, I am in no way suggesting you are a bad parent. I am speaking in general terms. You seem rather quick to speak on behalf of clearing your sons name. It sounds to me like you are sympathetic of him.
 
Thanks, I believe that also however I didn’t raise him to be this way I just didn’t realize at the time how much harm I was causing him. I am very sympathic towards him and I just didn’t throw him out I gave him options one was get a normal job and pay you board or if that is too much to ask than you need to leave and i gave him 5 months to get it together and this comes 5 years after he graduated from high school. And yes I think the service offers kids like him a fighting chance at being respectable. My son chose to be this way and I have been trying very hard to steer him in the right direction. My hopes here are maybe someone can offer some advice that could help me help him. You see I do love him very much and while I cannot stand him at times he is my child and I as a parent know my obligations. I never gave up hope on him I just was looking for some sound advice.

God Bless
Kathleen
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Shinobu:
My question is, why was he ever allowed to grow up this way?

90% of how a child turns out is based upon parents. I am so against just “throwing” someone out and I don’t know what his side of the story is.

Also someone suggested the army, I’m sorry but how can anyone suggest that? I certainly wouldn’t want to put my son (if I had one) in the army where he may be sent off to die.

It just perplexes me how parents have such a great opportunity raising a child but they don’t see that and then just complain later on when their child turns out wrong.

Many times when an older child is still at home, they certainly don’t want to be there. What are you supposed to do in the world today where the majority of ones peers are having pre-marital sex and living together outside of marriage and meanwhile you are trying to find a way to make ends meet and trying to figure out how you can move out and make ends meet in a world you are scared of. It’s not that simple to just say “kick him out”, where does he go then? Many prostitues are woman who ran away from bad situations at home or were kicked out.

That being said, it is not your responsibility to have to deal with misbehaving, no matter how old he is. If he lives under your roof he lives by your rules. It doesn’t matter how old, you still have an opportunity to teach and make him a better person!

Edit: Also, I am in no way suggesting you are a bad parent. I am speaking in general terms. You seem rather quick to speak on behalf of clearing your sons name. It sounds to me like you are sympathetic of him.
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Sorry, Shinubo, he “got this way” through his own choices. His parents did not raise him to be disrespectful and lazy. At some point, you have to look to free will…
 
It sounds like he needs a good dose of the Brat’s Medicine. This is accomplished by the following:
  1. Post a written or typed copy of the rules he will obey as long as he is resident in your house.
  2. If you catch him breaking them, ground him or take away his car keys or something.
  3. Wait until he storms out, and let him fall flat on his rear end.
  4. Repeat as necessary.
It’s tough, especially on the parent, but eventually even the hardest cases will realize that falling on their rears is not the way they want to spend their lives. :cool:
 
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