Help with an argument with my fiance

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migurl

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I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but My fiance and I have been arguing lately about whether or not I should just deal with him being out late. He doesn’t stay out late all of the time, but it seems that he has been doing it a lot more lately. Sometimes he is out past 2, and most of the time it is midnight or 1 o’clock. THere was a time he was out until 3 and stayed at a hotel because he rode wit a friend, and another time he was out until 4, but it was also b/c he had a flat tire. I don’t know what to do. He says there is nothing morally wrong with seeing a movie, going to eat or playing pool til 2 am but I don’t like it all. He works and needs his sleep. He lives alone and says he likes being around people. I think he should be able to have the same amount of fun between 5 and 11 or 12. What do you guys think, PLease help, this is causing us a lot of problems right now. Thanks, and God Bless.
 
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migurl:
THere was a time he was out until 3 and stayed at a hotel because he rode wit a friend, and another time he was out until 4, but it was also b/c he had a flat tire. I don’t know what to do.
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These sound like reasonable reasons to me.
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migurl:
He says there is nothing morally wrong with seeing a movie, going to eat or playing pool til 2 am but I don’t like it all. He works and needs his sleep. He lives alone and says he likes being around people. I think he should be able to have the same amount of fun between 5 and 11 or 12. What do you guys think, PLease help, this is causing us a lot of problems right now. Thanks, and God Bless.
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I think you need to figure out why you have such a problem with it. He’s right, there’s nothing inherently immoral about being out late. Is he shirking his responsibilities? Is he missing work? What exactly is your problem with him being out late?
 
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migurl:
I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but My fiance and I have been arguing lately about whether or not I should just deal with him being out late. He doesn’t stay out late all of the time, but it seems that he has been doing it a lot more lately. Sometimes he is out past 2, and most of the time it is midnight or 1 o’clock. THere was a time he was out until 3 and stayed at a hotel because he rode wit a friend, and another time he was out until 4, but it was also b/c he had a flat tire. I don’t know what to do. He says there is nothing morally wrong with seeing a movie, going to eat or playing pool til 2 am but I don’t like it all. He works and needs his sleep. He lives alone and says he likes being around people. I think he should be able to have the same amount of fun between 5 and 11 or 12. What do you guys think, PLease help, this is causing us a lot of problems right now. Thanks, and God Bless.
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I suppose my concern would be whether or not he expects that pattern to continue after you’re married.

If he does, you two have some communicating to do. No way, no how does that get allowed to carry forward into the marriage.
 
Not trying to screw things up here, but is it possible in the back of your mind you’re worried he’s cheating on you?
 
migurl,
I can totally identify. In my case, I live alone 4 hours away from all my close friends. Fiance lives with my brother and 2 other guys in the same city as all our close friends.
When I first moved (for my job), I’d get the priveledge (note sarcasm) of speaking with him on the phone for 20 minutes a day. He thought this was generous, because he was SO busy, yet sometimes he would call while heading out to a friend’s house for a night of PC Gaming. I felt so loved!

To make matters worse, I had to leave for work around 5:30am, and he decided it was monstrously convenient to call me at 12 or 1am after he finished hanging out, then blame it on me that I only talked to him for 20 minutes of marginally coherent conversation.

We duked it out for weeks, he thought I was being needy and controlling, etc… and he pointed out that I do not “own” his time. Come May 20, his time belongs to me. Until then, it’s his to distribute among friends as he pleases. He does have a point there, and he in fact was spending quite a bit of time in the lab or at study groups or what not.

I’ve eased up on him quite a bit, no longer gripe about the amount of time I get even though sometimes I wish we talked more in the evening. He’s agreed not to call so late, and devote his full attention to me for the duration of the call (he has a bad habit of starting conversations with other people who are around while he’s talking on the phone). Both of us have had to compromise. I know he’d prefer to talk to me when he doesn’t have homework hanging over his head, and that’s part of the reason our conversations are cut short. He’s anxious about getting it all done, whereas a later conversation would mean he’s finished and already in bed to fall asleep once we are done talking.

You need to ask yourself why his staying out late bothers you (for me it was the fact that he was SO busy but never seemed to have time for me despite having hours to stay out late with friends), and ascertain whether the behavior will continue.
 
Some people have different needs for sleep

I too live alone, far away form my fiancee

some nights I’m in bed at 9:00 others, (especially on the weekends) I find myself up at 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. Sometimes I wake up very early…it depends

What are you going to do when you get married?

Beyond a certain age you really can’t force someone to go to bed and if you’re asleep and he doesn’t disturb you will it matter if he’s prowling around the house?
 
You have to remember you are not his mother. When you get married, THAT is a different story.
~ Kathy ~
 
Question: How long is it until the wedding.

If it getting close, maybe it is nerves and cannot sleep, enjoying his freedom while he can, or something else.

PF
 
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vluvski:
migurl,
He does have a point there, and he in fact was spending quite a bit of time in the lab or at study groups or what not.
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i had the EXACT same issue with my DH when he was getting ready to defend his dissertation. I got “my stuff will be ready at 4am, and i have to go in to start”.

He would be in the literally 20-22 hours some days. i would wake up around 6 or 7am, and hed still be in there from the previous day. Id also come over sometimes, and hed be going over his powerpoint dissertation defense, time and time and time and time again.

then AFTER he successfully defended and submitted his dissertation, i had the OPPOSITE problem.

i could not get him to leave his house for pretty much any reason.

"are you going into the lab?
no, im staying home today

“are you going anywhere?”
no, im staying home today

“what are you doing at home?”
nothing

it was probably 3 weeks until he walked for graduation, and i dont remember him actually doing anything but “nothing”.

PS----- if he is in the lab late, do you guys have a “check in” system, where he ALWAYS calls you before your bed so you at least KNOW he is allright working in there alone? many many labs have alot of dangerous chemicals, and i would often call him at designated times to make sure he wasnt lying on the floor poisoned. if i didnt get an answer pretty soon, i was to call campus police to check on him. think about it just in case!!!
 
He works fairly normal hours, he does construction, contractor stuff. We actually just talked about it and he agreed to be home by 1:30 at the latest (not that he plans on being out that late ALL of the time) and he agreed to keep things later than 1:30 few and far between and with my approval. It’s nice. Our wedding isn’t until August 12th 2006. He is just having some problems prioritizing. He’s stressed and I think he deals with it by going out instead of facing the issue.
 
Is going with him out of the question?

Some people just like to stay up late. Is he one of them? Are you?

He’s a grown up. He gets to decide how much sleep he needs and what he’s going to do with his free time, within reasonable limits.
 
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migurl:
THere was a time he was out until 3 and stayed at a hotel because he rode wit a friend, and another time he was out until 4, but it was also b/c he had a flat tire.
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This is the questionable part. He stayed out so late he couldn’t get home. Indicates irresponsibility. You should make sure he understands that is not acceptable when you are married.
 
He knows that, and no, it is not an option for me to be with him, we are not married and I live with my parents. Thanks for all your advice, but I think we took care of it.
 
I am glad that you are handling things well. I was in a similar situation when my fiance (now husband of over a year:)) was getting his masters’ degree in a city over 3 hours away and I was in undergrad school or living with my parents on weekends. I was very blest, though, in that he would call me or let me call him almost every day or night.

God bless you both as your date approaches!
 
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