Help with dealing with a... friend?

[datingtrappists]

A few weeks ago, I saw someone (let’s call her… “Maggie”) I was close to in high school (we had not seen each other in almost a year and a half due to… making very different decisions about living lives). She has been going through some rough times, including being falsely accused of a felony, trying to come off of opiates, and no one (including other people we knew in high school (I graduated in 2004… she would have the same year had she not dropped out) or her family, except her husband) has been a great support for her. Since then, we have been talking pretty regularly, and I took “Maggie” to one of her court dates, since she doesn’t drive. I have made it VERY CLEAR that I no longer party, abuse drugs, etc… basically that I don’t do any of the wild crazy things I did when she last saw me, and that I’m now thinking seriously about becoming a nun. I’ve also made it very clear that I do not want any illegal drugs in my vehicle at all (I have taken her to the pharmacy for her to pick up a prescription to make it easier to come off the opiates and have driven her to 2 or 3 places since then).

Earlier today, I went, at her request, to pick up someone she knows pretty well… and his girlfriend to bring them back to her apartment. Later on, “Maggie” mentioned that this person’s girlfriend had used drugs in her apartment… putting 2+2 together meant that there HAD been some illegal drugs in my car (on this person’s… erm person…). “Maggie” had mentioned to me later that this person had been messed up for a long time, and should have had a reasonable idea that there was a possibility there would have been something illegal on her.

My question is this: should I inform “Maggie” ASAP that she is no longer getting any rides to me (even to court), since she violated my trust about this other girl’s drugs (again, she later said that she had been messed up for a long time and should have had a reasonable expectation of such things being on her)? Or should I give her one (and only one) more chance, and make it very explicit that if I find that anyone that she asks me to give a ride to has anything on them (even if we’re in the car in the middle of nowhere), they all will be dropped off at the side of the road and will walk to their destination and “Maggie” and friends will NEVER ride with me again?

I saved the most pressing question until the last (by itself, and more visible ): Do I need to confess that I had illegal drugs in my car (and was complicit in someone else’s sin)?

E

 

[Eucharisted]

I have a better idea!

Rather than let Maggie down, whenever she or anyone wants to get a ride in your car, you can either pat them down for drugs or have a friend who you feel comfortable with (like a policeman) patting them down for drugs.

 

[Jack17]

I would take her, since if she doesn’t get a ride from you then she will go into prison or something to her court dates. Then her life is screwed for good.

If she does find a ride she might use sex to do it or something… which will cause her to go into deep sin because she was trying to avoid jail. If not then some other way.

I feel sorry for her… and to be honest I don’t really care for your attitude. You come across snobbish, when you were in her shoes one time based on this post. If you can’t be nice about it, and treat her like a human then just don’t do it all. She is at her time of need, and it might be the only real good thing you might do in life.

If I was Maggie, and if I read this, I would get enough self esteem and say no to you, and get my ride by someone else or something. She was caring about her friend, and I don’t think she really knew she had drugs. How sure are you about this?

 

[datingtrappists]

I forgot to post that I didn’t know I was giving an extra person (this girlfriend who had the drugs on her) was riding with us until she came out of the house where I was picking up the other person. Number one, I didn’t agree to do that in the first place (I only agreed to give the young man a ride, not his girlfriend). Though I didn’t know this girlfriend, Maggie did, and knew that she had been a serious needle junky for some time… I’ve not heard of many people who abuse drugs by needles not traveling without at least a needle and at least some drugs on their person. Since Maggie has been more involved with the scene, I would imagine that she has been around quite a few more people who have abused drugs like this than I have, and had a much clearer knowledge of them having SOMETHING on them.

So you don’t like my attitude, especially about NO ILLEGAL drugs in my car? Especially when I first re-connected with her, she was still using? I don’t know about where you live, but where I do, if someone is pulled over, and all the occupants are searched, even if it’s a passenger who has drugs, and even if the driver didn’t know about them, the driver and everyone in the car goes to jail. Plus, there is my whole concern about being complicit in someone’s crime/sin (breaking laws is breaking the 4th commandment). I am willing to help her (like I said, I took her to pick up medicine to detox and loaned her a few extra dollars to do so she didn’t have), but not to the point where our (her’s and mine) freedom and health (doing drugs is illegal, getting caught with them, go to jail… not healthy, either) is in danger.

Perhaps I was a bit rash writing that I would never let her in my car again for court dates (or medical trips), but for giving others rides, especially, I don’t feel like I can trust that there isn’t going to be something in my car that I have explicity and repeatedly made clear I won’t allow in my vehicle.

 

[tuviskazinai]

It sounds like you are in a very tough situation. First of all, especially since it is clear that you want nothing to do with illegal drugs of any kind, I don’t think you are guilty of the sin of conspiracy. If I understand correctly, you didn’t even know she had drugs on her person when you agreed to give her the ride.

But more importantly, regarding what to do in the future…I assume that you’ve had a calm, reasonable discussion with Maggie about these concerns? You mentioned that this incident happened only yesterday, so maybe right now you are still a little upset (I would be too!) and things will look easier to forgive in some days’ time. Of course you have every right to make the right decisions for your own safety and reputation, but reflecting on situations in my own life (which have nothing to do with drugs, but which are perhaps analogous), I would say that it is very difficult to overcome sin and shame when we are completely alone in the struggle…when we have the impression that everyone we thought we could count on to see the beauty in us, has abandoned us. Of course it’s easy for me to say, but I would give Maggie another chance…your example of charity and mercy could be what it takes to get her on the right track.

Peace,
+AMDG+

 

[datingtrappists]

But more importantly, regarding what to do in the future…I assume that you’ve had a calm, reasonable discussion with Maggie about these concerns? You mentioned that this incident happened only yesterday, so maybe right now you are still a little upset (I would be too!) and things will look easier to forgive in some days’ time.

I haven’t not yet talked to her about it, since I was so upset (and was still when I wrote the OP). I am getting ready to give her another ride in a couple of hours… I tend to be calmer talking in the car about difficult subject, and I hope that I’ve cooled off enough by now to discuss firmly (and above all charitably) my concerns and to set some boundaries. I don’t think that it’s unreasonable that she makes sure that anyone she asks me to give a ride doesn’t have anything illegal on them. Is it?

Of course you have every right to make the right decisions for your own safety and reputation, but reflecting on situations in my own life (which have nothing to do with drugs, but which are perhaps analogous), I would say that it is very difficult to overcome sin and shame when we are completely alone in the struggle…when we have the impression that everyone we thought we could count on to see the beauty in us, has abandoned us. Of course it’s easy for me to say, but I would give Maggie another chance…your example of charity and mercy could be what it takes to get her on the right track.
Peace,
+AMDG+

My earlier statment reflects that I have decided to give her another chance. Though I don’t like that others still use, I have no power to make them stop using… I don’t think it unreasonable to ask they don’t use it around me or have it on their person if I’m going to be giving them rides. If they can’t do either… they have two feet.

Again, with Maggie, though, she is trying to detox herself, and I will do what I can to help her make her life better… I am not willing to go to jail for anyone, though, and that includes my parents. Even less so those who did not bring me into this world.

 

[Mel_Stones]

First of all, I would search my car carefully if I were you (if you happen to have a police officer friend all the better) to ensure nothing illegal is in your car. Be cautious of the possibility of accidental prick from needles.

Secondly, it is up to you whether or not you give Maggie another chance. Jesus asks us to forgive not to forget so you don’t have to let her walk all over you out of ‘forgiveness’.

Thirdly, I would not let anyone except Maggie ride in your car. If she wishes to visit friends she can walk. These don’t sound like the right people for her to be around anyway, perhaps there is some, preferably Christian, client or the like she could get into.

Lastly, you have not sinned. Being in the presence of sinners does not make you a sinner. Jesus himself ate with sinners. You did not help anyone to commit a sin - at least not knowingly.