Help with Husband and Having Kids If you're a husband with kids please respond

[Aramis]

You and your husband need to deal with the readily obvious grief issues. You’re still in the denial stage, it would seem.

His reaction seems to be, based upon the description, a grief reaction.

Your reactions very much seem to be grief-related, and you’re reactions are disproportionate and hostile.

In any case, should you become pregnant, it’s going to be a major emotional and housework change for him. It is going to be worrisome, as well, since your life was at risk in the last almost-successful pregnancy. Further, children permanently change a relationship.

I love my kids, both of them, but they have been the largest source of marital stress. Moreso even than my wife having been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder during the second pregnancy. But, when she thought she was pregnant a third time, we both grieved when we found out she wasn’t. Even tho’ we can’t really afford a third child. If we wind up with one, we’ll cope. Somehow.

That first child is a scary proposition, especially when it’s a risk of life.

 

[ryecroft]

I appreciate your response, but we have both gone through what we felt we needed to go through - I am not in denial (although I know this is the funny thing about the alchoholic saying he’s not an alchoholic - well seriously I’m not in denial) - I dealt with this as did my husband the way and in the manner we both felt we needed to - this was some time ago and since then I’ve ad other miscarriage (although I generally don’t say anything about being pregnant until I hit the 3rd month) - yes, there was grief, depression, denial even - the whole nine years with the miscarriages - he spoke to who he needed to speak with - and I dealt with who I felt I should - we’ve spoken together about things that happened and had an agreement that we wouldn’t try another pregnancy until all the doctors got on board for trying again - we even tried not to have to use birth control but tried NFP (against our doctor’s reccomendations) - anyway, that didn’t work out how we had hoped. So here we are with an OBGYN on, a Nephro (also a uro for when I have stones) - pain management and GP - all in agreement that if we’re going to try again, now is the best time and they’ll support me . It seems like what we’ve been waiting for so long has now come about. I know we’re both a little shocked because I know we questioned if it ever would. I guess I’m just hoping that my husband might get a little more excited. We’re both scared but like I said, I’m not going to stop the birth control and not tell him - that is so far past wrong, I don’t know which end is up.

The only reason I got slightly out of sorts(with Kage ar’s comments) was that I didn’t feel that what was brought up needed to be - mostly because of the debate it started over whether or not we were wrong to let me live instead of having both of us die. I get it that even though some disagree with the Priest and Monseignor about it being necessary and even having the principles of double effect that some are going to say I should have just risked it and hoped for a miracle and continued to bleed out- not that I was really familiar with what was going on at that point but I’m glad I’m alive and didn’t wait to bleed out completely as I know my husband is.
God Bless
Annie
So beyond the comments about grief counseling and Rachel’s Vineyard can anyone help?

 

[ryecroft]

Based on this comment, I did a search on ryecroft and abortion. So, I guess there was one. Therefore, I am modifying my comments. kage was justified in suggesting Rachel’s Vineyard.

ryecroft, I think your husband fears a repeat of possibly losing you. He’s probably justified. He’s probably also suffering from guilt from the abortion. I did not read the entire thread I looked up, but it seems to me that you defiantly refuse to have any guilt over the abortion. I think you are having a defensive response and have become a pro-choice advocate to cover your own pain and guilt. Rachel’s Vineyard may actually be just what you need.

As I have commented in the previous postings, my husband and I have done what we have needed to do - have I asked him if he needed any other help - yes. This was some time ago - and it wasn’t as if we both went strolling into an abortion clinic and said “take it out” - he has never had guilt about this and has stood up with me to say that women should be able to choose life- their life in any similar situation (although it seems a mute subject as we have now had members of the church agree with us) -anyway, I am not a complete pro choice advocate,( although I have been told that to even agree with abortion to save the mother’s life makes you pro choice) I just believe that a woman should be able to choose her life when there is a likelihood that they will both die or in my case when it has come to the point of having to choose and one will deffinately not live. Personally saying that two should die instead of just one seems very anti - life to me - again just my opinion and belief and apparently the belief of at least some of the clergy. Also it isn’t that I “defiantly refuse to have any guilt” - I just don’t have any - as I said it sucked - I wish I could have had a baby out of the pregnancy but it wasn’t meant to be - But I would appreciate if people would stop bringing up the whole Rachel’s Vineyard thing as it is not something either of us feels applies to us and not something either of us has any interest in.

God Bless - Annie Rye

 

[BrokenFortress]

Have you read the life story of Saint Gianna? vatican.va/news_services/liturgy/saints/ns_lit_doc_20040516_beretta-molla_en.html
prolife.org.ph/news/index.php/2009/04/saint-gianna-beretta-molla-wife-mother-doctor-prolife-witness/

She had to choose between her life and her baby’s and she chose to give life to her baby.

I’m kind of saddened by the fact that you call your baby a fetus. Is it not a baby to you? Normally this is what pro-abortionists call babies in order to take away the fact that it’s a living being inside the woman.

I’m sorry I don’t have much advice about getting pregnant again. But I do agree with the fact that perhaps he is scared of having to make that choice again.

 

[ryecroft]

Have you read the life story of Saint Gianna? vatican.va/news_services/liturgy/saints/ns_lit_doc_20040516_beretta-molla_en.html
prolife.org.ph/news/index.php/2009/04/saint-gianna-beretta-molla-wife-mother-doctor-prolife-witness/

She had to choose between her life and her baby’s and she chose to give life to her baby.

I’m kind of saddened by the fact that you call your baby a fetus. Is it not a baby to you? Normally this is what pro-abortionists call babies in order to take away the fact that it’s a living being inside the woman.

I’m sorry I don’t have much advice about getting pregnant again. But I do agree with the fact that perhaps he is scared of having to make that choice again.

To let you know, yes, I am familliar with St. Gianna’s story - and I am also aware that she did not have to choose to die. Also, my situation is extremely different than hers - the possibility of the baby living outside of me did not exist - had the pregnancy continued we both would have died. This was not a situation of “well there’s a chance she wouldn’t have made it…” - no this was a very deffinate situation - and there was no point for two to die for no reason. I’m grateful that I am still alive - it really sucked that I was not able to carry to a point of viability. But this has little to nothing to do with the topic I brought up - but certain member seem to be insistant on bringing up this situation because in thier view, there is never a reason for abortion, to the point of prefering that two lives be sacrificed instead of one being saved. To me that’s a sad situation. I have mentioned this before and I will again - I have spoken with a priest and even he agreed that this was the only course of action - nd that the principle of double effect did come into play.

God Bless Annie

 

[ac_claire]

To let you know, yes, I am familliar with St. Gianna’s story - and I am also aware that she did not have to choose to die. Also, my situation is extremely different than hers - the possibility of the baby living outside of me did not exist - had the pregnancy continued we both would have died. This was not a situation of “well there’s a chance she wouldn’t have made it…” - no this was a very deffinate situation - and there was no point for two to die for no reason. I’m grateful that I am still alive - it really sucked that I was not able to carry to a point of viability. But this has little to nothing to do with the topic I brought up - but certain member seem to be insistant on bringing up this situation because in thier view, there is never a reason for abortion, to the point of prefering that two lives be sacrificed instead of one being saved. To me that’s a sad situation. I have mentioned this before and I will again - I have spoken with a priest and even he agreed that this was the only course of action - nd that the principle of double effect did come into play.

Hey Annie. I just read through the thread and to be honest I don’t think that any “certain member” was trying to push Rachel’s Vineyard on you. It was just suggested. It seems to me that you open the door to further conversation on a topic when you get upset and publically reject the suggestion (more than once) instead of just ignoring it. Because then you put the person who made the suggestion on the defensive and they will feel compelled to reply to explain themselves, and then that leads to other posters chiming in, etc.

I only say this to (hopefully) give you another persepctive if you’re still offended by the RV/abortion mention, since it seems like you might still be.

Anyhow, reading your OP I get the impression (Maybe just an impression, since I don’t know either of yall) that your husband may seem un-enthusiastic about a baby because of the losses you have had in the past. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up again only to see you end up in pain and himself disappointed and grief-stricken…again. It’s just safer to be detatched about some things.

Maybe you could, I don’t know…assure him (even if you think he already knows this) that if something goes wrong and you lose another baby, it’ll be sad but the world will not end. Together you’ll be able to cope and get through anything, so he shouldn’t be too concerned about that. Maybe you could initiate a conversation where he can honestly tell you exactly where he stands and why on the baby issue. Show him that you’re trusting God implicitly, and maybe that’ll inspire him to do that same.

Those are just my initial thoughts after reading your OP. Good luck to you and God bless!