Help with my sister and her girlfriend

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Elizastaci

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Okay. This requires a bit of explaining.

My whole family is Catholic, but after some horribly traumatic events happened to my older sister at our Catholic elementary school, my sister and my mother stopped going to church. My dad kept on with it. I stopped for a bit, but started going again at seventeen–I just turned twenty.

Anyway, in an effort to be as little Catholic as possible, my twenty-one-year-old sister decided that she is a Wiccan, and also bisexual. This was quite a few years ago, and while my father and I make our sentiments clear–we love her very much but can’t approve of her choices–we don’t bring it up anymore because it hurts too much on both sides. No one knows what my mom thinks about it, because she won’t say anything.

After dating a whole slew of horrid men for years, and being both physically and emotionally abused–including rape–my sister is now dating a girl, Gretchen, her best friend since they were 5. My parents don’t know, but she did tell me recently.

I just don’t know what to do. My sister and I are like night and day, we couldn’t be more different, but we’re still really close. I don’t want to act like I support this relationship, but at the same time, she knows how I feel about, well, that kind of thing, and I want her to be able to talk to me.

Part of me can understand what she’s going through, especially after the rape–she was sixteen, I was fourteen, she got pregnant and miscarried at three months, before she could tell our parents. I’m the only one who knows about that too. And while I don’t approve of the relationship, at least I know she’s not being raped or beaten up, and that Gretchen loves her and won’t hurt her.

So I have no idea what to say or how to act. She knows how I feel, and I love her so much and don’t want to hurt her…but how am I supposed to behave?

Any advice would be much appreciated…
 
Turning to women, let alone her childhood friend, isn’t going to help her heal from the rape and the cycle of abuse she received from the men she dated after the rape.

You say only you and her are the only ones in your family that know about the rape and subsequent miscarriage. I take it that means your sister never told your parents and that is one of the reason she did not get the therapy she needed so soon after the traumatic event in her life.

Because she went without the treatment she had a chain of destructive relationships with men…who wouldn’t if they had been raped but never dealt with the loss of her innocence?

Now she finds solace with her friend. I would just let her know that while this may feel ‘safe’ to her she cannot find true happiness even with Gretchen. Her only hope for happiness is to face the event which shaped her life, regain control of her life, and then work on establishing healthy male/female relationships. Because you love her as much s you do you are being honest with her and will keep her in her prayers. She understands you cannot support the relationship she has entered into but that doesn’t mean you are not concerned for her or want her to remain miserable.
 
I have found this group incredible helpful in dealing with my sister’s homosexuality. It’s a Catholic organization. It does have a screening process to protect it’s members, but once you are accepted, you will receive much support.
couragerc.net/Encourage.html
 
Elizastaci, please do your best to convince your sister to get help from a therapist. Rape I can only imagine at sixteen would bring such trauma. She should not have gone through this alone. As a mother I feel such sadness that your sister for what ever reasons could not talk to her parents about this. Please help her get help and take back her life and start new.
 
What your sister has been through is so traumatic and it has also not been easy for her. At 16 years old to go through all that without telling your parents must have been very hard for her. She must have had her reasons why she never spoke about it to anybody besides you.

She does need to go for counselling for all the issues that have affected her in the past because they have a nasty way of affecting your future if you allow it. But all you can do right now is be there for her and supportive not to her lifestyle but get her to want to go and see somebody even offer to go with her. This is not easy for her and maybe this friend Gretchen is a way for her to not have to deal with the issues that happened in her past.

Just be there for her but also make her understand that you are not happy with the path that she has choosen but you are still her sister and you still love her no matter what.

The worst thing a family member can do is put you under pressure to do something when you do not want to do it. It makes you rebellious and want to carry on doing what you know is wrong just for spite. Let her feel that she can talk to you can that she can trust you. There is no point in isolating her because I am sure a part of her is angry and upset that her parents were not there at a crucial point in her life even though they did not know of the circumstances she must blame them.

Pray for her that she finds her way back. You do not need to except her lifestyle but please I am asking this don’t shut her out. I know that you are not comfortable about this whole situation but just knowing that you are there when she needs you must be a comfort to her.
 
this weeks National Catholic Register contains the story of a woman who lived through a similar scenario, and she contributes a lot to the understanding of how and why women (as opposed to men) may get into the lesbian lifestyle. It is very informative for families.

Bottom line is this woman needs help and until she is assisted to get professional care for past injuries she will not heal in her present life. Do what you can as a sister to make sure she gets it. Don’t withdraw from her.
 
Thanks so much for all the comforting words! I probably should have mentioned, she does see a therapist–she’s had depression for awhile now, as my parents are aware, so she does see a therapist she really likes.

So now I’m just focusing on being there for her, and letting her know how much I care.
 
I will say a prayer for her conversion (and that of your mom and Gretchen too)!
 
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