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ewee

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Ok, so here is the situation: I have been dating this guy for almost two years. He is wonderful, and we are talking marriage, just waiting for the right time. He comes from a family of two kids, he is the oldest at 19, and has one brother who is 17. I come from a family with seven kids ranging from 20-5. So needless to say, my family is always crazy and going every which way, making how much time I spend at home not a big deal. His family on the other hand, is extremly strict with his time. He is expected to be at home for meals and all sorts of random family time. They always seem to get really angry if he is spending too much time with me, or at least what they would call too much. He is a sophmore in college, so while he is at school things are a little better because he has more control of his time, but they are just right across the street from where he is going.
So anyway, it is just really hard for me becuase from my side of things, my family loves him and complains if they haven’t seen him in awhile, and they expect me to see him as often as I can, and if I don’t, they think I’m fighting with him, which just isn’t allowed because my mom can’t stand to see us fight. But on his side, I feel like I must become invisible when he is with his family. They don’t like us to spend a lot of time together, and he always waits until they are in bed to call me, and he can never just say “I’m going out tonight, I’ll be home at 12” like I can. So I just feel like I am totally unliked in their house, and I don’t understand why. Is it just because they ahve a small family and don’t like loosing him or what? I mean, will it still be this way when we are married? I just want to feel like I am a little accepted in their family. Anyway, any advice would be welcome!
 
When you marry a person, you are marrying their family associations as well. If he bows to these family demands now, chances are good that he will continue.

This is not neccessarily a bad thing. Some people want those kinds of close ties and accountability, but it sounds as if you are not one of those people.

cheddar
 
Is there a reason the family may not like you? Like your Catholic, he’s Baptist?

I think maybe they are being a bit overprotective. If he’s 19 and in college they shouldn’t have a say in what time he’s there or who he spends time with.
 
It sounds like your boyfriend lives at home with his parents…

Who is paying for college?

If his parents are providing a place for him to live, and an education, then they are well within their rights to “expect” certain behavior in return. Is it fair? Not neccesarily, but I don’t know him, them, or you, so I can’t really say.

But at 19, they may be more concerned (and rightly so) with him finishing his education and getting himself established in the world than with his relationships.

You need to find out why they are this way. And then you need to respect it. If you hope that these will be your future in-laws, everything you do will impact that relationship.

I personally don’t think that expecting him to be home for family time is a big deal. And I don’t think it has to do with how many kids there are. There are large families that have structure too, and small families that don’t.

I do see a problem with them “not accepting you” and your boyfriend’s inablility or unwillingness to stand up for you. That is NOT a good quality in a husband.

It sounds like you both need some time to mature and grow and figure out what is important in a spouse. I wish you luck and pray you will find happiness in your life.

Malia
 
Well, his family does have a right to some alone time with him, but I would sit down with the parents and have a little talk about why they act the way they do. Ask them how much time they feel is reasonable for you to be spending together, and see if you can’t have dinner with them once or twice a week, and see in they wouldn’t mind allowing their son to spend time with your family as well.

I also am wondering about his religion. What is he?

Eamon
 
Feanaro's Wife:
I do see a problem with them “not accepting you” and your boyfriend’s inablility or unwillingness to stand up for you. That is NOT a good quality in a husband.
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100% agree with this statement.

Eamon
 
It sounds to me that your boyfriend’s family may be concerned because he’s quite young–and yes, 19 is young–and don’t want him getting too serious in a relationship. They may see that the two of you are (in their opinion) way too young to get married and are worried that your relationship might lead to premarital activities, unplanned pregnancy, etc., etc. (You’re about the same age, right? You’re pretty young, too!)

Don’t be in a hurry to rush into anything. Take your time, get to know both him and his family inside and out. Get your education out of the way first before making any other future plans.

The world will look a lot different to both of you once you’re out of school.
 
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ewee:
Ok, so here is the situation: I have been dating this guy for almost two years. He is wonderful, and we are talking marriage, just waiting for the right time. He comes from a family of two kids, he is the oldest at 19, and has one brother who is 17. I come from a family with seven kids ranging from 20-5. So needless to say, my family is always crazy and going every which way, making how much time I spend at home not a big deal. His family on the other hand, is extremly strict with his time. He is expected to be at home for meals and all sorts of random family time. They always seem to get really angry if he is spending too much time with me, or at least what they would call too much. He is a sophmore in college, so while he is at school things are a little better because he has more control of his time, but they are just right across the street from where he is going.
So anyway, it is just really hard for me becuase from my side of things, my family loves him and complains if they haven’t seen him in awhile, and they expect me to see him as often as I can, and if I don’t, they think I’m fighting with him, which just isn’t allowed because my mom can’t stand to see us fight. But on his side, I feel like I must become invisible when he is with his family. They don’t like us to spend a lot of time together, and he always waits until they are in bed to call me, and he can never just say “I’m going out tonight, I’ll be home at 12” like I can. So I just feel like I am totally unliked in their house, and I don’t understand why. Is it just because they ahve a small family and don’t like loosing him or what? I mean, will it still be this way when we are married? I just want to feel like I am a little accepted in their family. Anyway, any advice would be welcome!
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well… in a way, my family works the same way. If he was not Catholic, he probably wouldn’t be accepted. I have found that working with parents to be very critical for any relationship. In fact, my bf and I talk to my parents often and we are both 18. We are still young and both sets of parents are cautious and want the best for us. And as for leaving without specific explainaiton… it just doesn’t happen. I understand that completely. It is more that his parents are cautious, rather than hostile. Don’t worry. Let the relationship mature. Dating for more allows strength and true love and devotion to prove itself in a relationship. It will only be for the better. Goodluck!
 
I have mixed feeling about this. My husband’s family was not to accepting of me, I will not go into all of the drama, but it came down to a couple of things. His mom hates catholics (opps! Her son converted), he is her favorite son ( 😦 not good when he has three brothers), she is very controlling and knew i was not going to allow her to run my life, and she was envious of what she thought the life of a Naval Officer’s wife was like (she thought we all spend our time having tea parties and have calling cards, etc. Boy that is no where near close to reality, maybe 50 years ago, but not now).

Anyway, I had finished college, and he was already serving on Subs, so she had little say over our life. She has come around, but after 10+ years of prayers from my parents (Very Catholic- statues in the garden and the house with every wall having something Cathlolic or Christian in nature, it’s no wonder my mother-in-law did not have a heart attache) she should.

My husband was the first of the four boys in his family to marry, she was having some seperation anxiety and afraid he might be making a mistake. I do not wish this on anyone, but if this becomes your situation, remember she is still his mother! You must respect her in that way, but she should never come between you and your husband. You need to have a heart to heart with your BF and get it out in the open. Know where he stands and if you agree. There are some things it is best to agree on before you make that walk down the isle.

Plus you are 19, your ideals might change in the next few years. I do not mean this to insult you or to trivialize your problem, but 18-22 is when you do a lot of growing up and defining yourself. I think you are very blessed if you have found your soul mate at your age, I know I did not find mine until 22.

I also ditto the posters who said they might be trying to keep you both from doing something you might regret later, like not finishing school. It was ingrained in me at a young age, college dregree then marriage.

The only way to quell your nerves is to talk to your BF. You must have good comunnication for a great marriage. Find out how he sees the situation and if he agrees with you. Good Luck, kp1
 
It sounds like the family dynamics differ between the two of you. It sounds like he grew up in a family that places importance on eating supper together and keeping the family unit close. You sound like you grew up in a large family that is active. Neither is “right” or “wrong” but I think it’s more a matter of style or focus.

As a mother with 2 sons – 18 & 16 – I can relate to your bf’s mom. We try to eat our meals together at the dinner table as much as possible. It gives the four of us time to talk about our day, share funny stories we can all laugh about, gripe about school or our job, discuss weekend plans or when to get certain chores done, coordinate activities so everyone is on the same page, etc. It has always been a safe place to be ourselves and emotionally bond.

You and your bf are at the age when you will become more independent – of your families – but it’s not good to become too dependent on one another before you can each discover for yourselves who you are.

I don’t know you but allow me to take a stab at something. I don’t mean to offend you and if I’m way off base, please accept my apology. Is it possible that your family is busy, active, and not emotionally “there” for one another as much as you would like? Could you be wanting to see your bf more because you’re looking for love from him? Are you confusing love and security?

I’m sure you are a very nice girl, and your bf’s family probably likes you. Their concern may be that he is getting too serious at this stage in his life and may be concerned that he won’t focus on school, will engage in sexual activity, and may get married to the wrong person for the wrong reasons – it happens!

As for telling his parents where he’s going and when he’ll be home, that’s just plain respect. I would never just tell my husband or kids, “I’m going out. I’ll be home at 12.” Members of a family don’t just share living space. We interact with one another and have one anothers best interests in mind.

Now, if you’re concerned they will be like this when you get married, it could be a concern. However, the two of you *aren’t *married and you shouldn’t be acting like you are. My parents were strict, like your bf’s and they have never interferred in our lives since we got married. My husband’s mother didn’t keep tabs on him when he was a teen, but once we got married she had her nose in everything we did. My advice: take lots of time to really get to know him, his family, and yourself before you decide for sure you two are meant for one another. And if there is any sex – stop. You’ll get to know one another much better without it.
 
I ditto the comments made about your boyfriend being able to “handle” the situation between his parents and yourself… the one thing you need to make sure of before you make the commitment to marry each other is that each of your first priorities are straight…if he’s feeling any kind of strong attachment to his parents, it could indicate issues down the road. Remember, “…man leaves his father and mother, and is united to his wife, becoming one flesh…”

Not to scare you or anything 🙂 Just take your time and talk a LOT with your bf… you have lots and lots of time. talk, talk, talk… pray pray pray …
 
Ok, I’ll try to answer all those questions. First, he is also Catholic. His family converted to the Church the year before we started dating. They are very strong Catholics now, so I really don’t see that as a problem. Also, they were paying for his school this last year, but for the rest of his school time, he has full scholarships (several different ones) that will not only pay for everything, but pay him to be going to school. So that isn’t really the issue either. He does live with them during the summer and breaks and stuff, but during the year, he lives on campus.
Oh, and he isn’t attached to them at all. He is very anxious to be on his own, the only reason he doesn’t stand up to them is because in the past, he has done that, and it has caused big problems. So he is only trying to keep the peace. I am not complaining about that in the least. He is very mature and is always just trying to make sure he does what is best for everyone.
I am quite sure the reason his parents freak out the way they do is because they are very possessive of him, and don’t want to see him grow up. He says they really do like me, it is just hard for me to see how much my family loves him and always want to invite him over for everything that we do, and I never get that from them.
Oh, and no, my family is very loving and supportive of me. My mom and I are very close, and talk about all sorts of stuff. My sister and I are also very close. The only reason I want to move on is becuase I think it is what naturally happens when you hit my age. Oh, and just so you know, we are not sexually active. We have made our share of mistakes, but none so big, and none that we do our best to correct.
They may be concerned about him finishing school (I am not in school for reasons I won’t go into right now, but it just wasnt’ God’s plan for me), but it isn’t an issue. I won’t let him quit, and he doesn’t want to. He probably won’t finish before we get married, but if we decide it would be too hard for him if we didn’t wiat, we would change our plans. So anyway, yeah, I hope that answered all the questions. I didn’t realize this would bring so many misunderstandings. Oh well. 😃
 
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