Help

[Gemma2]

I need help with a matter that concerns me greatly.

I have met and fallen in love with a man who is divorced with several children. He was a practicing Catholic as a youth but left the church for many reasons. He did not marry in the church, nor are his children being raised as Catholics; their mother is against it.

We have talked very often of marriage, and he has said he wants to be married to me when the time is right. He has returned to the Catholic church but had a vasectomy during his last marriage. For reasons I cannot go into he feels compelled to not have any more children – natural or adopted – as he feels they would very much upset and cause difficulties with the wonderful children he already has.

I love him very much and want to be with him more than anything, but would this be a sinful union?

Many thanks in advance for any advice or thoughts.

 

[Catholic1954]

To be married in the Catholic Church, he must be open to having children. He also must have his first marriage annulled (a whole other issue). You need to speak with a priest, privately and as a couple.

 

[DavidFilmer]

We have talked very often of marriage, and he has said he wants to be married to me when the time is right.

To me, this is the most troubling point. The previous marriage (not conducted by a Catholic minister under Catholic auspices, and not to a Catholic bride) is problematic, but not very (fifty dollars processing fee and a bit of paperwork is the only thing that is needed in most Dioceses).

The children of the previous marriage are irrelevant, as far as the Church is concerned (they are considered “legitimate” even if the previous marriage is annulled).

The vasectomy is not an impediment to your marriage. A sterile person may confir valid matrimony with a spouse.

There is nothing that you need to do. Your “boyfriend” can make NOW the “RIGHT” time by doing two simple things: He should attend Sacramental Confession (as a Baptized Catholic, it is his right), which will immediately restore him to full Communion with the Catholic Church, despite whatever past transgressions he might have done.

Then he must address his first “marriage.” As I have said, this is normally done with a simple procedure, under the circumstances you have described. You should both talk your priest. I assure you that your priest can handle this matter (some priests say it is the thing they do most often).

The “time” will never be “right” until these two simple things are accomplished. If the “time” is somehow not “right,” then these things are not really simple. But they are.

So, why is the time not “right” RIGHT NOW?

 

[bzkoss236]

To be married in the Catholic Church, he must be open to having children.

While this is true. Being open to children and wanting children aren’t necessarily the same thing. With good reason you can postpone children (ie. not wanting children), and still be considered open to having children. The openness to having children is linked to conception, meaning that nothing is being done to frustrate the marital act, and if conception occurs, measures won’t be taken to end the child’s life.

Now, with that said, he did get a vasectomy, which is sinful and he should confess this, but once forgiven, he is under no obligation to get it reversed (especially if he cannot afford it), if it even can be (depending on how it was done).

He also must have his first marriage annulled (a whole other issue).

Not likely, or it wouldn’t take that long. Since he was Catholic at the time of his wedding, even if not practicing, I believe he is still under obligation to marry in the Church. Since he hasn’t done so, the marriage would likely be invalid, and he would be free to marry. But don’t take my word on it. The OP would be better off talking with a priest.

 

[fred_conty]

“…he has said he wants to be married to me when the time is right.”

I think this is the thorn and not the church.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.

 

[Father_Read]

I need help with a matter that concerns me greatly.

I have met and fallen in love with a man who is divorced with several children. He was a practicing Catholic as a youth but left the church for many reasons. He did not marry in the church, nor are his children being raised as Catholics; their mother is against it.

We have talked very often of marriage, and he has said he wants to be married to me when the time is right. He has returned to the Catholic church but had a vasectomy during his last marriage. For reasons I cannot go into he feels compelled to not have any more children – natural or adopted – as he feels they would very much upset and cause difficulties with the wonderful children he already has.

I love him very much and want to be with him more than anything, but would this be a sinful union?

Many thanks in advance for any advice or thoughts.

In terms of the vasectomy, you can read how Fr. Charles Grondin addressed a similar situation by clicking on this link.

In terms of this man’s former marriage, despite not being properly married in the Church, his marriage is presumed to be valid unless demonstrated otherwise by his diocesan tribunal. This is an aspect of Canon Law. Based on the information you have provided, it looks like he specifically needs a “Lack of Form” annulment. Generally speaking, among the various types of annulments, a Lack of Form involves very little paperwork and the least amount of time. If his diocese ascribes a fee for a Lack of Form annulment investigation, it will probably not be much (maybe between twenty-five to fifty dollars). He will need to speak to his pastor about this, who will act as his liaison with the tribunal. But until a tribunal officially examines his marriage and grants a decree of nullity (assuming that it determines the marriage to have been invalid), he will not be considered by the Church to be free to contract a marriage with you.

As a side note, as implied by my user name, I am, indeed, a Catholic priest (in case the man you are interested in marrying is wondering about the credibility of the information I’ve provided).

Please know that you are in my prayers as you contemplate entering into the wonderful sacrament of marriage.

 

[Mike30]

I need help with a matter that concerns me greatly.

I have met and fallen in love with a man who is divorced with several children. He was a practicing Catholic as a youth but left the church for many reasons. He did not marry in the church, nor are his children being raised as Catholics; their mother is against it.

We have talked very often of marriage, and he has said he wants to be married to me when the time is right. He has returned to the Catholic church but had a vasectomy during his last marriage. For reasons I cannot go into he feels compelled to not have any more children – natural or adopted – as he feels they would very much upset and cause difficulties with the wonderful children he already has.

I love him very much and want to be with him more than anything, but would this be a sinful union?

Many thanks in advance for any advice or thoughts.

Warning warning warning

1} When does he say the time will be right? If ever.

2} Why can’t you go into the reasons why he is not open to having children?

3} Why is he so concerned and protective of what the ex thinks in relation to the children’s faith?

All three of the of the above sound somewhat problematic to me.

You sure this guy is divorced? It really doesn’t sound like it.

I do hope you are not already sleeping with this guy. Sorry to say that, no offense intended, but I truly hope you have not gone that far. Make sure of the situation before you go any further and please, consult a Priest on this issue.