Helping a love one with pornography addiction

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MommyLeah

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Hello all 🙂

Is there anyone out there who has struggled with feelings of rejection and hurt because of a loved one’s addiction to pornography? This person last week looked up webcams, found one of a woman who was undressing, and talked to her. I feel that this is cheating, and it makes me feel unloved and disrespected. I want to help them get over this, but I end up just getting angry and confrontational when it happens.
 
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MommyLeah:
Hello all 🙂

Is there anyone out there who has struggled with feelings of rejection and hurt because of a loved one’s addiction to pornography? This person last week looked up webcams, found one of a woman who was undressing, and talked to her. I feel that this is cheating, and it makes me feel unloved and disrespected. I want to help them get over this, but I end up just getting angry and confrontational when it happens.
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I’d suggest you go to the website www.dads.org. Steve Woods has materials on overcoming pornography addiction.
 
Yes, I have been there. It is extremely painful, my heart goes out to you. It feels like such a betrayal.

The 1st time I discovered it I changed the pass word on the computer and wouldn’t give it to him for about 5 months, but I finally realized it is not right for me to treat my husband like a child. When ever I discovered it he swore it wouldn’t happen again but eventually it did. And each time I was devastated.

Access to porn on the internet is so easy, it is such a temptation. My husband finally realized he had a problem when he made up his mind not to go to the sites anymore and than the next chance he got he did it again. He knew how much he was hurting me but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. Now he has decided to stay off the computer unless I’m home (and awake) to avoid the temptation. The computer is in our family room so it’s not tucked out of sight.

I would look into the site recommended. Internet porn addiction is tearing marriages a part. Get as much info and you can.

I know it is nearly impossible to take it personally but if your loved one is truly addicted like any other addiction it has nothing to do with you, this person is not intentionally trying to hurt you. I’m sure in your heart it feel like it has everything to do with you because I’ve been there. To my husband is was just a picture but to me it cheapend and degraded the most intimate part of our lives.

You are not alone in this, there are many many out there who share your heartache. I will keep you & your loved one in my prayers.
 
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MommyLeah:
Hello all 🙂

Is there anyone out there who has struggled with feelings of rejection and hurt because of a loved one’s addiction to pornography? This person last week looked up webcams, found one of a woman who was undressing, and talked to her. I feel that this is cheating, and it makes me feel unloved and disrespected. I want to help them get over this, but I end up just getting angry and confrontational when it happens.
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I assume by the way you worded your post that this is an ongoing problem. Does this person really want to stop this behavior?

I actually had a related problem a few months ago. But I would never have known if hubby didn’t confess it to me. The reason he told me was not only to apologize, but to get it out in the open to help prevent it in the future.

Even though this was a very new behavior and he realized how wrong it was and stopped before it got out of control, I still felt horrible. I felt disgusted and demoralized.

I think a lot depends on your individual situation. If this person is really struggling with this and needs your support to kick this habit…you need to put your feelings aside and be there for him. But if he is taking the attitude that this behavior is ok and not a problem…you are more than justified to feel cheated on. I would act accordingly.

I hope you are getting the answers here that you need. I feel for you. Please keep posting if you need to…

Finella
 
There is software you can install on your computer that will track any questionable websites and email them to an “accountability partner”. The site recommends using someone other than your spouse to receive these emails, like a friend or another relative, but I know people who use their spouses and it has not caused any problems so far.

The software can be downloaded from www.xxxchurch.com.

I would say the best way to fight this is to tell your spouse how much this hurts you and why. This may not be “cheating” in the literal sense, but the feelings the spouse of a person addicted to porn has upon finding out are very similar to those of a person who has been cheated on. Tell your spouse that. Tell them it makes you feel betrayed and like you can’t trust them. Tell them that them making a commitment to stop is important to you, and try to come up with ideas together for stopping or preventing the temptation. Some great ideas have already been shared on this thread:
  1. WITH PERMISSION, change the password for the internet or the computer so that you have to sign that person on to use the internet. That way you will always know when they are online and they can’t get online late at night or when you aren’t home.
  2. Install the software on the computer so all the websites that could be questionable will be recorded.
  3. Keep the computer in a visible, well used area where people routinely walk by.
  4. Set time restraints on the internet such as: no internet after 10PM or you have gone to bed or whatever.
The key here is to help the person realize what they are doing to you and your family and to let them be the one to decide they need help, just like with any other addiction. Then they will be willing to put these restraints into place and abide by them. This is something you have to fight together.

Oh, and remember, it is your DUTY to pray for your spouse everyday.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about any of this.
 
Oh MommyLeah,

I am sorry for you! My ex-husband has battled with this for years. We were married for ten. I know firsthand your pain. I discovered this addiction out on Christmas day as I was 6months pregnant.

It is a horrible addiction, growing by leaps and bounds daily, and the computer has been it’s very best accomplice.

See out help in prayer AS A FAMILY. Maybe you and he can say the rosary together. Do not think this will go away on it’s own and that you hubby can beat this one without help. It is tough.

I will include you both in my prayers. God Bless you - but do not lose hope in God’s healing power.
 
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kristacecilia:
This may not be “cheating” in the literal sense…
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Once you move on to the world of live chat and/or web cams, it is real cheating. You are creating a sexual experience with someone other than your spouse. That’s real cheating, plain and simple.

Not only that, but it easily leads to real-life meetings.

So, MommyLeah, I don’t think anger and confrontation are necessarily bad things. We can be angry and still love. We can be angry and still forgive. Confrontation helps the other see the pain that his actions have caused; it removes the lie that no one is getting hurt.

Others here have given some great advice–the only thing I could add is counselling–for you, for him, for the relaionship.
 
Timidity,
Once you move on to the world of live chat and/or web cams, it is real cheating. You are creating a sexual experience with someone other than your spouse. That’s real cheating, plain and simple.
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I completely agree with you. I firmly believe that even looking at pornographic pictures is a lesser form of adultry. Live chat and the like would be much, much worse than that.

I guess the point I was trying to get across is that it is okay to feel like your husband/wife is cheating on you. A lot of women (or men), I think, try to discredit their feelings by telling themselves that at least he/she isn’t having an affair. But you know what? The feelings the betrayed spouse has are similar in the two situations, I think, and completely justified.
 
Well, i’m not a husband or wife so i can’t say i have any experience in this area. But, MommyLeah, I think it is probably appropriate and might even be necessary to treat your husband like a child (as rayne89 said she did with her husband for a time, although she later stopped). In a very real sense, it seems to me, a person who is addicted to anything is helpless, like a child, and needs to be treated as such. I certainly don’t mean treating him uncharitably or disrespectfully but he needs a lot of help and supervision and forgiveness. That’s just my opinion…which probably goes without saying. 🙂
 
Thanks to all who’ve replied thus far. I’ve looked up the website I was given, and it helped a lot. I don’t think I would be so upset if not for the fact that when we split up earlier in the year for a bit, he “played the field”…

He says that he’s joined an online group to help him with this addiction…he said that long ago, before we met, it was a much bigger problem…he was doing it every day…now its once a week…

Being eight months pregnant and not feeling like myself, I think I take it harder…

He didn’t think talking to the woman was a big deal…what he said happened was when he came upon this webcam, the lady had her shirt off, but her camera wasn’t working right…she put her shirt on, and he asked her to take it off again…hearing that made me sick. He said she didn’t respond, but did as he asked…he looked, and that was all…I feel embarrassed writing about it, even though I’m not the one who did it…

Thanks for the prayers…
 
I honestly don’t think there is any way to help someone with this problem except to let them know about the help that is available to them, and/or how much it hurts a loved one. I look at this as a spiritual problem, and one which needs to be addressed between them and God. I do think in a marriage counseling is in order but ONLY with a Christian counselor. This really has no place in a marriage, as marriage is between 2. This problem has destroyed many marriages, and continues to do so. It is serious and blocks intimacy completely.

Please make an appointment today. I sympathize with anyone who suffers with this. Heard of a book “Every Heart Restored” by Fred and Barbara Stoker which is supposed to be right-on.
 
I want to second the posters who reccomended www.dads.org and www.pornnomore.com.

I also want to add
catholictherapists.com/

Porn is a serious thing and if not dealt with, will lead to the destruction of your marriage. But don’t underestimate the power and mercy of God. He wants to heal your husband from this addiction. He seems serious about stopping it, so give those sites to him, and a good Catholic therapist can help if you think that is needed. I wish I knew a place to recommend to you, but you might want to find a support group for yourself. You mentioned how hurt and sick you were by his actions and that is a normal and reasonable reaction. You might find it helpful to meet some people who have gone or are going through the same thing.

Pax et bonum
 
Up until about 10 years ago only the local perverts would slink down some alley to a cloaked doorway and slither into a purveyor of filth and degeneracy. The internet has so dramatically made access to the vilest forms of perversion so easy and ubiquitous even normal decent Catholics are being sucked into it. When is society going to recognize this montrous evil and stop it? If the producers, actors, and especially the executives who shovel this manure on America were exposed to their neighbors and shamed back into the crevices they formerly lived in we could put a stop to it. Just like the bestial abortionist doesn’t want his fellow club members to know what he is I would guess the pornographers don’t either. Every society that tolerates this is doomed, the good in America have to do something about it. t
 

Is there anyone out there who has struggled with feelings of rejection and hurt because of a loved one’s addiction to pornography? This person last week looked up webcams, found one of a woman who was undressing, and talked to he​

Mommy Leah is this the same person who shoved a crucifix in your face and yelled in Latin at you?
IF it is, please go home to your mother’s or a friends.
 
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