Helping an abused friend

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Corinne

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I’m not usually one to post messages like this, but I’m stuck in a tough situation and I could use some prayer and ideas. My best friend (who is 24) and my brother-in-law were seriously dating. They both were very happy and everything seemed to be going well. Then, my friend’s parents (who she currently lives with for financial reasons) told her that she had to break up with him. He is a very good guy and there’s no logical reason for it. He’s even in medical school. Her family has a lot of money and his family is average, so we all think that was the problem.

Well, when she told me about it, I asked her what would happen if she didn’t break up with him. She told me that they would kick her out of the house and wouldn’t pay for her to go back to school and other things that they were going to help her with. When we talked some more about it, I realized that they were verbally abusing her. I don’t throw that word around lightly, and I did a lot of research on the issue before I came to that conclusion. They hold things over her so they can control everything that she does. If she does anything that they don’t like (and we’re not even talking about sinning here, we’re talking about wearing something that doesn’t match or something ridiculous like that), they scream curse words at her and tell her she’s worthless and an embarrassment to the family.

I told her that I thought that she was being abused and that she needed to get away for a little bit to clear her mind and figure out what she needs to do. I offered for her to come stay with my husband and I for a little bit. She refused, saying that “everything is okay most of the time”. Other people offered too. Her aunts and uncles say the same thing that I do, and they also offered to help her out financially if her parents stop doing so. But, to her, the thought of making her parents mad is just so frightening that she’d do anything not to make that happen. So, she ended up breaking up with my brother-in-law, who she was convinced that she was going to marry. Ever since then, she has stopped talking to me. She doesn’t pick up the phone when I call, doesn’t return messages, etc. I feel terrible about it and I just want to be her friend and help her get through this. But, I’m guessing that either she’s not talking to me because he’s my brother-in-law, or she’s not talking to me because her parents told her not to.

My brother-in-law is very worried about her and, as hurt as he is by the whole thing, cares most about her just being okay and said that he wants me to be friends with her like always because she really needs it. We think that she has no one to talk about things with because she can’t cry to her parents about the break-up, and they’ve basically isolated her from all of her friends. They even forbid her from talking to her brother (who doesn’t live at home) about the reason for the break-up, saying that if she tells him, they’ll kick her out.

It’s a terrible situation, and I feel really bad about it. I was her best friend before this whole thing started, and I think I’m one of the only people she’s told this all to. But, since she won’t talk to me now, I’m completely stuck. I’ve been praying a lot, and I guess that’s all I can do right now.

Please pray for me, and for her, and for my brother-in-law, and for her parents…

Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? How can I be a good friend in this situation?
 
Dear Corinne,

You are indeed a good friend. Keep praying for her and for your brother-in-law.

HERE’S THE PART YOU WON’S LIKE:

Your friend is 24 years old. An adult, capable of making decisions and responsible for the actions of her decisions. She has to decide which is more important, her parents or your brother-in-law.

IF your brother-in-law cares for her as you stated, he would not make her make that decision. He would make it for her (i.e. he would remove himself from the picture for her sake).

Abused, Yeah. But She has to decide to break the cycle of abuse.
 
I agree with the previous post that your friend is the one who has to break the cycle of abuse. However, it’s really difficult – she’s been brainwashed her whole life that she can’t make decisions on her own. So even though she is chronologically 24 years old, she was never allowed to mature emotionally.

Unfortunately, there is very little you can do. The best thing is to give her the space to work this out for herself. Show your friend that you are there for her when she is ready to talk, but until then, her life is her responsibility, not yours. If she does decide to talk to you, try not to give advice. Just listen, ask open-ended questions, and provide and safe and non-judgmental environment for her. You can also try finding a book or two on the subject and giving it to your friend, or suggesting counseling. However, don’t be discouraged if she doesn’t respond to your suggestions.
Good Luck.
 
I have been asked a particular question more than once because of adoption homestudies:

When did you acheive persoanl emancipation from your parents?

It wasn’t exactly a term I had used, but having come from an abusive home – they hated that I wanted to Catholic – I have reflected on it a few times.

It is what your friend has to find. For me, the moment of emancipation came when I was seeking spiritual direction as a guinea pig for a student. I am sure that the spiritual support gave me the tools to calmly handly my parents and their attacks. When I did meet them in a way that more mature than they were being, well that was end of their abuse.

I would love that it would be so easy for your friend, but money can make every problem seem more important.
 
Corinne,
First of all you have a beautiful name. I was born with that name, and took the name Cora when I married Luke. Cherish it.
Second, I am praying for you and your friend. I pray that the best can be done for all involved. Remember Jesus’ prayer…it’s one I often repeat to myself. Lord, if this is the cup You want me to drink, I will. I know you will help me through.
 
You all are great. Thank you so much.

Here’s an update on the situation… My friend has finally started talking to me again, which makes me very happy. I still think I’m one of the few people that knows what happened. She doesn’t want to really talk about it, she mostly just wants to talk about non-emotional things (what she did that day, etc.), but the fact that she’s talking to me at all is an improvement. She said that the reason she wasn’t talking to me was just that she was “busy” and she said that she is fine with the way that things turned out. I think she just rationalized it all away and is trying to convince herself that it was her own decision. I don’t really want to argue with her about it because I want her to have a friend that she can trust. I’m trying to just believe her and hope that she talks to me about it when she feels like finally talking (if ever). I heard from someone else that she has stopped going to church, which obviously concerns me. I’m going to try to bring that up at some point, but it is hard to talk about without sounding like I am just pointing out everything that is wrong with her. I think it would just turn her off, and I want to be a good friend.

To those of you who have had extremely controlling parents or suffered from verbal abuse, do you know of any resources that helped you? Books? Web sites? Anything like that? Maybe there is some place where people share their stories and how they got out of it? Especially anything with a Christian perspective…
 
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Corinne:
To those of you who have had extremely controlling parents or suffered from verbal abuse, do you know of any resources that helped you? Books? Web sites? Anything like that? Maybe there is some place where people share their stories and how they got out of it? Especially anything with a Christian perspective…
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+JMJ

I have been handed to this situation more than I have really wanted to. I lived with a family who had a 16 year old girl in the same situation she is now 19 and the family is still the same way. a Good web site is franciscanfriars.com/BTC/BTC%20Benedict.htm
and the audio series WHAT TO DO WHEN LIFE DOES NOT MAKE SENSE (cost $40.00)
The Mystery of Suffering
christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product/?item_no=32521&p=1010575
heartwarmers4u.com/members/?verbalabuse
is a good one hope it helps.
All For the Immaculata! -St Maximillano Kolbe
 
Your friend has zero boundaries with her family. She might benefit from a series written by Dr. Henry Cloud (i think that’s his name, but just do a title search) called “Boundaries.” There are a variety of topics, but even the basic one might help. There is also a book called “The Mom Factor” and it goes through the various types of dysfunctional moms (or really, dads) and the profound influence it has on our lives—as we as giving strategies to deal with these particular personality types.
 
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