Helping grown kids in awful times

[katy]

Our son is going thru a terrible divorce and custody battle that he will probably lose. His wife will most likely get the kids and the majority of his income, resulting in his losing his house. She is emotionally unstable, refuses to get a decent job, so she qualifies for more “child support” (which she spends on herself), and does her best to limit his time with the children. The courts do not seem to care. He has lost about 40 lbs. and often has bouts of digestive problems that are probably emotional. He has seen his physician and has a regular, Catholic counselor who is trying to help, but he sees his life crumbling before his eyes when he did nothing wrong.
I am helping as I can, but am retired myself. He is living with us for now, as he can’t afford to live otherwise at the moment, even tho he has a well paying job. My heart bleeds for him. He feels a failure as a man, a husband, and maybe as a father if she succeeds in alienating the children. Has anyone been thru this? Should I just be there and hold any comments not asked for? Is there any hope to give him? All the help seems to be for women and doesn’t apply to this situation.

 

[SMHW]

I’m very sorry for you, your son, and his family.

You are giving him a place to stay. I say for now offer him emotional support when he needs it. But regardless of what you see wrong with his soon-to-be ex, please avoid saying anything morally derogatory about her. If your son says things like that then be sympathetic to how he feels but don’t join in with the bashing.

How old are the children? If they are young (under 10) then it is reasonable that the ex doesn’t want a job that would keep her away from the children for long hours a day, even if it is unreasonable for her to want the divorce in the first place.

If this woman is truly unstable then your son needs to start keeping careful records (dates, times, witnesses) of what she is doing so he can provide evidence to Child Protective Services and/or the courts if it turns out the children ought to be removed from the home. If she’s just a hothead, then your son may need to bend over backwards to make her happy if he wants to get to see his children.

Non of this is fair, of course. But fair for the parents is not nearly as important as what is good for the children. Whatever else he does, your son needs to bend over backwards to make sure he is granted and uses every moment of visitation possible with the kids.

My prayers for you all.

 

[BamaRider]

Should I just be there and hold any comments not asked for? Is there any hope to give him?

Yes and yes.

I think it important to have a end game in all this. Help him come up with a plan to have his own place again, and to get healthy both physically and mentally.

List the objectives on paper and then outline the steps and what it will take to get there. Having a plan and goals is much better then just freelancing. Not knowing what you want, or where to go.

Personally, I think he needs to find his own place when he’s able, do what he needs to do to get well physically and mentally, and make the determination my ex is *not *gonna be the one controlling my happiness.

Don’t let him throw his hands up, “Well, nothing else I can do.” because that is not true. It pays to be proactive.

 

[gmarie21]

Has he hired an attorney specializing in helping dads maintain their rights? And I second the opinion that he should document EVERYTHING, every phone call, every dr. appointment (even have the nurse or doctor sign off that he was present), etc. If she ever denies him a phone call to talk to their children, he should document what was said, time and date. In some states, if a mother denies visitation (after a court order) she can be locked up in jail (just as men can be if they do not pay child support). I don’t know if your state is one of them, but if it is, that may be hopeful. Also, if she truly is disturbed and has sought treatment, he can bring that up. However, I cannot say it strong enough that he needs to focus on getting a good lawyer and fight for his children. Usually asking for sole custody is NOT the way to go, however, unless there is some serious proof of possible child abuse. Judges do NOT like the sob stories from adults nor the battles to “get” the other. Actually, if someone pushes too much for one thing without substantial proof, a judge usually rules in a direction against said person’s favor.

Some judges are just hogwash. My cousin, who was the stay-at-home dad was denied a change in jurisdiction for the custody battle, though his family and his ex’s family live in the area where he was asking for jurisdiction to be transferred. Now his dd must travel 6 - 8 hours every other weekend to see her dad b/c of this court ruling. And to top it off, his ex isn’t the “motherly” type (hence why HE was the one staying home to raise their dd).

 

[katy]

Has he hired an attorney specializing in helping dads maintain their rights?
yes
And I second the opinion that he should document EVERYTHING, every phone call, every dr. appointment (even have the nurse or doctor sign off that he was present), etc. He has done this, but it seems to make no difference. Maybe having someone sign off wouldn’t hurt. That’s the only thing suggested here he hasn’t done yet.
If she ever denies him a phone call to talk to their children, he should document what was said, time and date. He has, see above.
In some states, if a mother denies visitation (after a court order) she can be locked up in jail (just as men can be if they do not pay child support). I don’t know if your state is one of them, but if it is, that may be hopeful.I’m not sure about that one either.
Also, if she truly is disturbed and has sought treatment, he can bring that up. She has, and he has. Nobody seems to care, even about her suicide attempt.
However, I cannot say it strong enough that he needs to focus on getting a good lawyer and fight for his children. Usually asking for sole custody is NOT the way to go, however, unless there is some serious proof of possible child abuse. Judges do NOT like the sob stories from adults nor the battles to “get” the other. Actually, if someone pushes too much for one thing without substantial proof, a judge usually rules in a direction against said person’s favor.Hmm. Hadn’t heard that before. It is something to think about.

Some judges are just hogwash. My cousin, who was the stay-at-home dad was denied a change in jurisdiction for the custody battle, though his family and his ex’s family live in the area where he was asking for jurisdiction to be transferred. Now his dd must travel 6 - 8 hours every other weekend to see her dad b/c of this court ruling. And to top it off, his ex isn’t the “motherly” type (hence why HE was the one staying home to raise their dd).

I have no trouble believing this at all!! The whole thing is so disheartening, esp. coming from those who are supposed to be acting in “the best interest of the child.” I don’t think so.

 

[gmarie21]

Judges do NOT like the sob stories from adults nor the battles to “get” the other. Actually, if someone pushes too much for one thing without substantial proof, a judge usually rules in a direction against said person’s favor.Hmm. Hadn’t heard that before. It is something to think about.

My dad is a judge and has told me this about himself and the other judges he knows, otherwise I wouldn’t know it either, but it does make sense since judges perceive things differently and see every “sob” story. But, please don’t let your son loose hope. I worked with a woman whose husband fought his ex for YEARS for custody of their son. After years he finally won (though he was definitely not well off after all those fees, but a child is worth more than the amount paid).

 

[katy]

My dad is a judge and has told me this about himself and the other judges he knows, otherwise I wouldn’t know it either, but it does make sense since judges perceive things differently and see every “sob” story. But, please don’t let your son loose hope. I worked with a woman whose husband fought his ex for YEARS for custody of their son. After years he finally won (though he was definitely not well off after all those fees, but a child is worth more than the amount paid).

Thank you. I am still stunned at the hostility shown to a man just because he is a divorced father. It makes no sense. I thought it was called and justice system. It obviously isn’t, but I want to do the best job I am able being supportive without interfering or, horrors, making things worse.

 

[katy]

Yes and yes.

I think it important to have a end game in all this. Help him come up with a plan to have his own place again, and to get healthy both physically and mentally.

List the objectives on paper and then outline the steps and what it will take to get there. Having a plan and goals is much better then just freelancing. Not knowing what you want, or where to go.

Personally, I think he needs to find his own place when he’s able, do what he needs to do to get well physically and mentally, and make the determination my ex is *not *gonna be the one controlling my happiness.

Don’t let him throw his hands up, “Well, nothing else I can do.” because that is not true. It pays to be proactive.

Thank you. You make good sense, and I think this organized approach is helpful.