Helping out a gay friend about marrying

[onlybygrace]

Peace be to you!

I just talked to a gay friend and how he has troubles with his boyfriend. As a Catholic, I have opened up a conversation to him since I pray that one day I might be able to convince him to leave the lifestyle he is having. In all honesty, I’ve been getting somewhere but I don’t want to push what I believe simply because I don’t want to come across as a “bigot”. He does know that I am not for same-sex marriage but I also told him that the choices that he commit on this earth will add up until the day that he meets God.

I try to be charitable and try to help him with the troubles he faces with his boyfriend. The more that I get to talk to him, the more that I am convinced that the Church is very true in regards to homosexuality. Anyway, being charitable, I came to the point where he was asking me advise on how to handle his boyfriend. His boyfriend is on the verge of anxiety/depression and so I gave in my two cents. Now he told me that he wants to get married with him as well, but, being a devout Catholic, I asked him how he felt about getting married. I kept questioning his intentions and he did told me he had doubts in getting married to his boyfriend (they have been together for 5 years).

I felt bad at the end since I felt that I was leading him not to get married. I do want him happy, and I did gave him advise in his relationship with his boyfriend. I’m not sure, but is this the best way to handle this? If you were in my position?

Please know that I am still against same-sex marriages. But to have a friend talk to you like that–what would you do? What will you do differently?

Thanks for all the answers in advance. I just want to hear out thoughts since this is a good way to relate to our brothers and sisters this way.

May God bless you all.

 

[InspiritCarol]

You should have no reason to feel bad.

People give each other advice, good and bad all the time.

You should only feel bad if you mislead this person. That is, if you really believe he should get married, but lied; or if you lied about your reasons.

A friend should be able to hear your loving true reasons regarding intentions,

 

[Newbie2]

That’s a very tough call as to what to do.

On one hand, you have a marvelous opportunity to witness and on the other, if you do it in a way that he rejects, it’s a blow opportunity.

Not knowing you or this person, none of us can really give you good advice on specfically what to say, however, the Holy Spirit can. Pray about it. You will get an answer, it may not be in specifics but rather in a “feeling” that you should say or do this or that. But you will get an answer, even if the answer is to do or say nothing in terms of advice, but just listening to your friend.

 

[ekk1]

Peace be to you!

I just talked to a gay friend and how he has troubles with his boyfriend. As a Catholic, I have opened up a conversation to him since I pray that one day I might be able to convince him to leave the lifestyle he is having. In all honesty, I’ve been getting somewhere but I don’t want to push what I believe simply because I don’t want to come across as a “bigot”. He does know that I am not for same-sex marriage but I also told him that the choices that he commit on this earth will add up until the day that he meets God.

I try to be charitable and try to help him with the troubles he faces with his boyfriend. The more that I get to talk to him, the more that I am convinced that the Church is very true in regards to homosexuality. Anyway, being charitable, I came to the point where he was asking me advise on how to handle his boyfriend. His boyfriend is on the verge of anxiety/depression and so I gave in my two cents. Now he told me that he wants to get married with him as well, but, being a devout Catholic, I asked him how he felt about getting married. I kept questioning his intentions and he did told me he had doubts in getting married to his boyfriend (they have been together for 5 years).

I felt bad at the end since I felt that I was leading him not to get married. I do want him happy, and I did gave him advise in his relationship with his boyfriend. I’m not sure, but is this the best way to handle this? If you were in my position?

Please know that I am still against same-sex marriages. But to have a friend talk to you like that–what would you do? What will you do differently?

Thanks for all the answers in advance. I just want to hear out thoughts since this is a good way to relate to our brothers and sisters this way.

May God bless you all.

my personal rule with offering advice is to only offer it when asked for, and never to repeat my opinion more than once. the other person is free to accept or reject my opinion. this seems to work well for me in my friendships.

 

[GratefulFred]

Perhaps all you can do is LISTEN. Let him think out loud. Occassionally ask questions to help him think out loud. “Can you be more specific?” “How do you feel about that?” “What are the alternatives?” “What do you expect will be the consequence?” etc.

Advice - how to proceed - has a low probability of being helpful. You and your friend may NOT be coming from the same core values.

True Catholics understand that life, while still a challenge for all of us, is much more manageable when we keep God FIRST in our lives. There are things we should do and things we should not do in our efforts to keep God first in our lives.

When we do the “not” stuff, we recognize that as sin and seek forgiveness. We may need to confess our favorite sins many times over. But we do not try to justify our sin as being not a sin.

One of life’s constant struggles is doing what I ought to do as compared to just doing what I want to do. When what I want to do aligns well with what I ought do, life is good. When they are in opposition, life is more difficult. Getting into proper alignment usually requires the Grace of God, which we can receive if we are trying to keep God first in our lives.

If your friend is not open to allowing God to be first in his life, then perhaps listening is the best you can do.

 

[edwest2]

Peace be to you!

I just talked to a gay friend and how he has troubles with his boyfriend. As a Catholic, I have opened up a conversation to him since I pray that one day I might be able to convince him to leave the lifestyle he is having. In all honesty, I’ve been getting somewhere but I don’t want to push what I believe simply because I don’t want to come across as a “bigot”. He does know that I am not for same-sex marriage but I also told him that the choices that he commit on this earth will add up until the day that he meets God.

I try to be charitable and try to help him with the troubles he faces with his boyfriend. The more that I get to talk to him, the more that I am convinced that the Church is very true in regards to homosexuality. Anyway, being charitable, I came to the point where he was asking me advise on how to handle his boyfriend. His boyfriend is on the verge of anxiety/depression and so I gave in my two cents. Now he told me that he wants to get married with him as well, but, being a devout Catholic, I asked him how he felt about getting married. I kept questioning his intentions and he did told me he had doubts in getting married to his boyfriend (they have been together for 5 years).

I felt bad at the end since I felt that I was leading him not to get married. I do want him happy, and I did gave him advise in his relationship with his boyfriend. I’m not sure, but is this the best way to handle this? If you were in my position?

Please know that I am still against same-sex marriages. But to have a friend talk to you like that–what would you do? What will you do differently?

Thanks for all the answers in advance. I just want to hear out thoughts since this is a good way to relate to our brothers and sisters this way.

May God bless you all.

Anxiety and depression are serious medical conditions regardless of sexual orientation. Those experiencing symptoms should get medical care right away, and you’d be surprised how flexible some psychiatrists can be regarding payment if you have a low income. You do not mention anything else about what other problems this person is having with his boyfriend. Since you are telling him the truth about same-sex marriage, but he has not rejected you, then God may inspire all concerned.

Prayer is needed and have faith that God will help.

Be wary of those who call certain things “opinions.” Strictly speaking, as a Catholic, we need to know what the Church teaches and why, but we are not called to force our faith and teaching on anyone. I mention the word “opinion” here since some think that opinions are just as valid as the actual truth, such as the case for same-sex marriage. We should not present our personal thoughts as carrying the same level of truth as what we have been taught by the Church. However, we are called to serve all, being sinners ourselves, except when we might lead them into sin. For example, should your friend decide to marry and disagree with Church teaching, that is his choice, but we should understand that we cannot give material support to such a thing.

Peace,
Ed

 

[DebChris]

The Catechism tells us we are to accept those with homosexual inclinations with “respect, compassion, and sensitivity.” From your OP, it sounds like you are doing just that.

CCC2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity.

Living a chaste life means developing a self-mastery that leads to inner freedom.

Continue to provide your friend with disinterested friendship. Consider speaking to your friend the same way you would speak to any friend in an unhealthy relationship.
Let’s move away from the homosexual relationship for a moment. If your friend wanted to enter a marriage with a woman, and you disapproved of the relationship, or saw elements in the relationship that served as danger signals, what would you say? Would you try to discourage him from marrying her? Even in a heterosexual relationship, or maybe especially so, a divorce would be more painful than breaking the relationship before marriage. When the relationship is between a man and woman, there are also children to consider that result from the conjugal relationship.

Do let your friend know that you support him, regardless of what decision he makes, but you cannot support his lifestyle. If he is truly your friend, he will appreciate your honesty. As other posters have stated, be a listening ear as he struggles with his inner turmoil. .

 

[underacloud]

I felt bad at the end since I felt that I was leading him not to get married. I do want him happy, and I did gave him advise in his relationship with his boyfriend. I’m not sure, but is this the best way to handle this? If you were in my position?

Please know that I am still against same-sex marriages. But to have a friend talk to you like that–what would you do? What will you do differently?

I think the key problem with giving advice is that your basis for the advice seems unclear. On one hand, you have concern for your friend, which is admirable and always a good starting point. On the other hand, you are against same-sex marriage, and thus your advice will be guided in part by this. Is he aware of this? Is he aware that you may be offering advice that helps him break things off with his boyfriend, not because you think his current partner is the wrong one for him (and that there may be a right one), but that you are generally against homosexual relationships?

It seems to me that the merits of your advice to him depend somewhat on how open the advice comes. It’s his life and he has a right to know where you are coming from.