Heresy-Check Requested

[Elijah_Baley]

I be writing a hymn. Tear at it as wolves. (If you want to hear the tune, check out my parallel post over at Musica Sacra.)

I’m thinking that the third verse would make more sense in the middle, and I’m considering adding a fourth, but it’s long as it is. I like the second the best and may move that to the top to avoid burying the lede — I’m very much open to suggestions, having just popped this out albeit after some days of reflection.

Any other notes for the lyrics? Spot any heresy, for that matter, especially something perhaps questionable but perhaps forgiven under poetic license?

1. O Lord God of Truth who does all with a purpose
   You open the window to Calvary.
   So brisk was the wind and so bleeding your body,
   We take this as your highest guarantee.

If Judas betray or Pilate wash his hands,
Should Ceasar inflict a misery,
Show us how your cross had such cause yet a purpose,
And open the window to Calvary.

1. O God who would hide so as not to convict us
   You come between us and our punishment.
   You fell to your knees to show love as a burden,
   You hold yourself back for our free consent.

Show us not the peak which shows how great we sin
In turning from you, O Firmament.
Suffices the step to begin to convict us,
Which moves us to flee from our punishment.

1. O Jesus, who makes Himself known at the altar,
   You gave us your life, gave us everything.
   You made all the world and the world made to end you,
   We ask your forgiveness, O Highest King.

Before we took breath, you knew how we might sin.
From Adam you knew humanity.
And yet you come down to our table, our altar,
and come bringing all, bringing everything.

 

[Christine85]

Its great but I question this: “O God who would hide so as not to convict us”

 

[Elijah_Baley]

Good point.

What I was going for: God hides in the Eucharist in part because we would hide from shame at his full glory, that he ekes out from us what response we can give. He expects us to move from step A to step B because showing step Z would only scare us unless we’re already at step Y.

What would give this sense in as many syllables?

 

[WoundedIcon]

I would probably change it to mention fright instead.

O God who hides to spare us from fright

 

[Christine85]

Hmmm that’s an interesting way to put it. My reasoning though is that God is happy to convict us because he does so out of love for our own good.

 

[Ancient1]

You’re very talented and this is nice and intriguing.

I don’t see any problem with “O God who would hide so as not to convict us” and really like that line. Our Lord “hid” in his mother’s womb, like any other human baby, although Mary knew the origin. He hid as a child in the Temple to be in his Father’s house, a foreshadowing of the Mass. And at Mass he hides his Divinity in forms of bread and wine. He spares us conviction in many ways for our sake, yet is there as God.

However, there’s another spot, I would not call it “heresy” but just not accurate and therefore possibly open to wrong interpretation. In the line below the word “everything” is sort of a cop-out word, it sounds good, but does not really mean anything because what is everything? Do you mean love, eternal life, salvation, redemption, forgiveness? You don’t really mean everything, stars, moon, etc. So whatever you feel can be clarified, put there. One of the above or joy, etc. Of course you are looking for the rhyme. “Gave us our true meaning”? “You gave us life, our life from you gleaning”? “All goodness streaming”? Just ideas.

“You gave us your life, gave us everything.”

 

[paperwight66]

i hope you don’t mind my being honest?

‘In turning from You, O Firmament’ is an odd line, imo.

What does it mean? The firmament is the ‘vault of heaven’, in poetic terms, the curve of the sky. Do you mean ‘foundation’ or ‘first beginning’ or similar?

 

[MarkThompson]

A few specific comments on the lyrics which I hope are helpful:

So brisk was the wind and so bleeding your body,
We take this as your highest guarantee.

Take what, as a guarantee of what, exactly? Briskness of wind doesn’t seem to amount to much of a guarantee at all.

If Judas betray or Pilate wash his hands,
Should Ceasar inflict a misery,

You should not switch modal verbs from “if” to “should” in this way. “Caesar,” not “Ceasar.” And OED gives “a misery” in this sense as archaic, which is certainly how it strikes me.

You hold yourself back for our free consent.

I can’t figure this line out. What role is “for” playing here? “On behalf of,” “in order to obtain,” “for the sake of”?

Show us not the peak which shows how great we sin

Should be “greatly.” Also, “show … shows” is weak.

In turning from you, O Firmament.

A strange choice of epithet. “Firmament” means “the arch or vault of the sky or heaven,” which can certainly be applied to God, but has no connection with any other word or image in the song.

Suffices the step to begin to convict us,
Which moves us to flee from our punishment.

By Yoda written, the first line sounds to have been. And then, which “step” is convicting us here? And what is the antecedent of the “Which” in the second line? Is the step moving us to flee, or is that flight the step in question? These lines are quite confused.

1. O Jesus, who makes Himself known at the altar,
   You gave us your life, gave us everything.

The first line must say “who make yourself known” (or “you make yourself known”); you cannot mix third-person and second-person address in this way.

You made all the world and the world made to end you,

In the Nicene Creed, we say that the Father was “maker of Heaven and Earth,” and of the Son that “through him all things were made.” It thus sounds a little strange to say of Jesus that he “made all the world.” Additionally, I have no idea what “the world made to end you” is intended to mean. Are you using “made” with a different sense than in the first clause, to mean “set out trying to”? I think most people would interpret the line with a tacit copula, as saying “the world was made to end you.” And that’s certainly not right.

 

[Splagchnizomai]

Excellent effort. No comments on heresy, but I found these lines could use revision imo.

So brisk was the wind and so bleeding your body,

These kinds of inversions don’t really work, and they haven’t been used in hundreds of years. “So brisk was the wind” is a faux-poetic way of saying “The wind was so brisk.” Also note that “brisk” isn’t really a great word to sing. I hope you are singing these words, or at least reciting them, as you compose – and not just setting the words to notes.

“So bleeding your body” just doesn’t work.

Should Ceasar inflict a misery,

I’ve never heard anyone say “inflict a misery.” Inflict misery, yes. Perhaps you are forcing the meter here by adding that a?

You may wish to work on the rhyme. Too numerous to go into detail, but things like “Calvary” and “misery” are a bit forced. “Humanity” and “everything” are very loose rhymes. I don’t mind slant rhymes, but that’s probably going a bit too far to my ear. These kinds of rhymes may work in pop or hip hop, but listen carefully to church hymns and you’ll hear stronger rhyme schemes.

Perhaps you could also tighten up your meter throughout? Meter is more than just a syllable count.

 

[Elijah_Baley]

Tear it as wolves, and you did. Sort of refreshing, really.

Back to the drawing board on those verses!

(To be honest, I wrote the music first.)

 

[Neil_Anthony]

I be writing a hymn. Tear at it as wolves. (If you want to hear the tune, check out my parallel post over at Musica Sacra.)

I’m thinking that the third verse would make more sense in the middle, and I’m considering adding a fourth, but it’s long as it is. I like the second the best and may move that to the top to avoid burying the lede — I’m very much open to suggestions, having just popped this out albeit after some days of reflection.

Any other notes for the lyrics? Spot any heresy, for that matter, especially something perhaps questionable but perhaps forgiven under poetic license?

1. O Lord God of Truth who does all with a purpose
   You open the window to Calvary.
   So brisk was the wind and so bleeding your body,
   We take this as your highest guarantee.

If Judas betray or Pilate wash his hands,
Should Ceasar inflict a misery,
Show us how your cross had such cause yet a purpose,
And open the window to Calvary.

1. O God who would hide so as not to convict us
   You come between us and our punishment.
   You fell to your knees to show love as a burden,
   You hold yourself back for our free consent.

Show us not the peak which shows how great we sin
In turning from you, O Firmament.
Suffices the step to begin to convict us,
Which moves us to flee from our punishment.

1. O Jesus, who makes Himself known at the altar,
   You gave us your life, gave us everything.
   You made all the world and the world made to end you,
   We ask your forgiveness, O Highest King.

Before we took breath, you knew how we might sin.
From Adam you knew humanity.
And yet you come down to our table, our altar,
and come bringing all, bringing everything.

Those two words in bold don’t rhyme like the rest of the stanzas