High Divorce rates, lack of good options, and hopelessness

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Le_Crouton

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Divorce rates are very high. And I know that this is typically countered with, “they aren’t as high for practicing Catholics” however…if you actually look at the amount of available and relatively decent options that the world has to offer…the likelihood of finding someone who will be a practicing Catholic with you is pretty low. I mean, first they have to like you. And let’s face it, many are too shy or are too caught up with their lives to even be in a place where they can date. Many people my age place career over socializing. Or if they do socialize and try to find a spouse, they have high standards or something else which gets in the way of like actually giving it a shot and going out on dates. I feel like people my age, the young adult group, are crippled by idealizing what dating actually is: which is getting to know if this person is a right match for you to marry. Or if they do date, the standards are just so unrealistic. And then eventually, if men or women do marry, it’s when they’re older and they think they’re not going to find someone so they settle someone who is clearly a bad choice.

I’m just frustrated with how crappy dating is. Catholic match is full of ghosters and women who think it’s ok to bring up things like marriage or children way too soon during a first conversation. Or women who just aren’t interested. It’s not like bumble is much better, but on bumble you’d be hard pressed to find a practicing Catholic spouse.

Given all this, when is it appropriate to just throw your hands up and just say, “screw it. I’ll just quit.” Because I don’t know what to do.
 
Le_Crouton said:
Given all this, when is it appropriate to just throw your hands up and just say, “screw it. I’ll just quit.”
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Never. Never give up. Never settle.
Slow your roll, be nice, pray, do good things.
 
Depends. By “Screw it, I’ll just quit” do you mean “Screw it, I’ll just quit trying to find love,” or do you mean “Screw it, I’ll quit trying to take this entire burden on myself?”

Reading your post it sounds like you are trying to do things God’s way, but you aren’t doing them with Him. You are looking to enter into a union of three; you don’t know one of them yet but one of them is already with you. Make sure you rely on Him in the process.

Even if I am wrong and you already do rely on Him… rely on Him more. None of us rely on Him as much as we should.

Also, dump the divorce rate argument. You aren’t looking to find a “typical” woman, you are looking to find a specific and complicated woman who was uniquely crafted by God. Don’t let statistics stop you from even trying, not with something like marriage.
 
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How about praying, having a decent social life apart from dating - pursuing your interests, having a wide circle of friends, having fun - and trusting in God to lead you where he wants you to go?

The divorce rate was the least of my worries when I was young, aside from me not wanting to date any man who was separated or divorced and some of them would lie about their status and you had to be cautious. By the time I married my husband, we had been dating so long that divorce was highly unlikely to ever come up.
 
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The divorce rate is 50% for the whole population, 19% for lukewarm catholics and around 5% for practicing catholics. It’s a very good deal if you ask me. If she’s not a practicing catholic show her how and why to be one.

Read Fulton Sheen’s Three to Get Married. Without God’s love uniting the couple it can become tiresome as the years go by. And that’s true for friendships in general. Poeple can only be united long term if they share something which transcends themselves. Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics also talks about this in the chapter about friendships.

Also, be ready to accept that you may not find a wife or the “perfect” wife anyway. Perfection is reserved to Heaven. Meditate on Ephesians 5 and find a woman who will accepted that role. But do your part as well, don’t expect her to be all loving and submissive if you’re not worth it. Pump some iron, get in shape, make some money, invest your money, read good books, listen to good music and be in control of every possible aspect of your life so she won’t have too much to worry about. Also, be decent and loving yourself, cultivate a good character. Don’t know how old you are, but you’d be surprised with what you’re capable of.

And as you become a better man, better women will become “available”. Their standards won’t be “unrealistically high” anymore. Then you can choose rather than settle for a wife. And the best part is you’ll be deserving of her.

Also, don’t forget to always treat people as people. They’re not objects for your fantasy. Learn to love people before envisioning a future with them. And learn to love the person, not only the body. Online dating can have that effect on you, so don’t fall for it.

Finally, be content in God. Give yourself fully to his providence and cooperate with him in making you a quality man. Consecrate yourself to Mary and pour your heart and soul to her. Ask her to make you a good man as well. And realize that even if you fail at finding a wife, Heaven will be infinitely better than anything on Earth.
 
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KingDavid said:
Pump some iron, get in shape, make some money, invest your money, read good books, listen to good music and be in control of every aspect possible of your life so she won’t have too much to worry about.
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That a good advice.

It’s really sad the divorce rate, however if I had this unhappiness of get divorced, I would try to be loyal to the church and only get married again if the marriage were null or the my “ex-wife” die.
 
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Oh, I meant “be yourself as loving as you’d like her to be”. But nothing wrong with loving yourself, just don’t go overboard. Always thank the Lord for your good qualities, because without him you would have none.
 
Some things that make a man better are impossible for some men to achieve

How could I ever be taller or change my sexual past
 
I actually think it’s smart of the young’s to be going in groups and not dating. This is how you meet a wide variety of people. After associating with many others, one keeps catching your eye or is trying to catch yours, it may be time to try a date but I wouldn’t give up hanging out in groups either. Almost all my friends that married found their true love from group situations and took quite a while before they dated one on one. Take the pressure off yourself and look for friends of both sexes…widen your groups!
 
Have you been able to get into better shape? You have posted about weight loss before. How is that going?
 
Le_Crouton said:
the standards are just so unrealistic.
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I don’t know what you mean by this.

I have one other thing I thought I would mention.

One of the things that most people seek in a date is someone that is cheerful. If someone is always negative, it is a huge turnoff. I don’t mean that you should be a phony cheerful person. I mean, you need to do whatever is going to turn you into a more positive type person. For some, it means changing their self image, or their job. Going back to school if need be. Losing weight, Or working out to be in their best physical shape. You need to be happy to attract happy. If it takes therapy to get someone to happiness, so be it.

Become the best you that is possible and you will be happier and more confident.
 
Le_Crouton said:
Given all this, when is it appropriate to just throw your hands up and just say, “screw it. I’ll just quit.” Because I don’t know what to do.
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You can definitely take a break during the coronavirus.
 
Le_Crouton said:
How could I ever be taller or change my sexual past
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Don’t know how tall you are, but I assure you that even if you were taller this attitude would still kill your chances. You won’t rise to any real heights (no pun intended) unless you change your ways.

And brooding over your sins won’t help you either. Give them to the Lord, let him wash you clean and teach you how to be a real man. Many people did way worse things and still recovered. And given our wicked culture and lack of good role models (male and female) it’s no surprise you’ve sinned. But don’t let it be the end of your life man. Pick yourself up and try again!

Do you still commit these sins? Have you freed yourself from your desire to do them? Tim Keller did a very good sermon called Healing From Sin. It’s available on spotify I think. But basically your heart will only be truly changed once you come to hate and have disgust for your sin (e.g. King David and Bathsheba). That’s when you overcome it.
 
Oh, and obviously look for shorter women. They do exist! But that goes without saying.
 
There are never easy to see answers with this… for which I am sure you know. So, let me share a successful story, my story.

I searched and prayed for a wife every day for three years. Not settling on anyone. I prayed for God to make me ready for my wife and make my wife ready for me. A frustrating three years and alot of thinking it would never happen. But, God deleivered and it did not take long to realize who God gave me.

It will happen when and if it is meant to according to God’s will. Stay true to the teachings of Jesus and trust in the Holy Spirit. Never give up Hope.
 
Le_Crouton said:
Some things that make a man better are impossible for some men to achieve

How could I ever be taller or change my sexual past
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Your height has nothing to do with making you a better man. I am a woman with dwarfism, so, I speak with authority on this. In the community it is FAR easier for men with dwarfism to find dates/spouses than it is for women with dwarfism.

And your sexual past? God knows your sins but calls you by your name, Satan knows your name and calls you by your sins. Don’t let Satan win. Have you confessed your sins? Good, then they are no one’s business except you and God’s.
Irishmom2 said:
One of the things that most people seek in a date is someone that is cheerful. If someone is always negative, it is a huge turnoff.
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THIS is so true.

Be well kept, if you can afford only one pair of shoes, make sure they are clean and regularly cared for. Keep your nails clean and trimmed. Don’t bite your fingers. Take care of your hair and skin, be interesting, your clothes do not have to be expensive - but better a few well made pieces that you care for than a floor full of sweats and T-shirts.
 
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