Hit a bumpy road

[Shinobu]

It seems I have been having a hard time lately. I had been growing in the Catholic faith, reading alot of books and researching online and just having fun here as well. I was fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays, praying the rosary, praying regularly. Felt completely confident in the faith and felt very happy, sure I had some days where I felt sour, but I went to Mass, watched EWTN or something of the sort and was refreshed.

I had been praying alot for my family, mainly to fix the problems in my family and others here had prayed for me as well. Then a week or two ago things seemed to brighten up and I was almost certain that God had answered my prayers. My Sister was diagnosted with manic depression/biplolar (I know that sounds bad, but it’s actually good because she has had this problem for a while and it has made it extremly hard for us to be close to her because of her severe mood swings), she was starting her medication and was again the Sister I once knew, we talked, we spent time together and at the time I had a long good talk with my Dad and he was in a good mood and it seemed like he had finally wised up to how his coldness effects this family.

Everything seemed to be going well, it was like we were a true family again. However, it was only a week or so when things got all messed up again. My Sister went off her medication (after only a week), she was already back on her mood swings, I had a fight with my Dad. I just absolutely cried, it felt like everything had just gone to pieces. I felt alone and sad and just felt like lying in bed, so that is what I did for about 3 days. I used bad weather as an excuse to not attend a weekday Mass. I missed doing the rosary for 3 days and my prayers were shortened to a few seconds, I didn’t even bother to fast.

Everything seemed so absolutely certain to me and then it all seemed to be taken away. I am going to Mass today because I think I need it. I have gone back to saying the rosary each day and I make sure to pray alot. I have not talked to my Dad or Sister though as it seems talking does nothing anymore. I have talked to him many times and I am tired of talking.

I don’t blame God in any of this, at one point I felt as though he were laughing at me. Maybe I was getting too arrogant or cocky with my faith. I felt kinda ashamed and it’s partly why I didn’t pray and didn’t want to go to Mass. I’m getting back on track now, but I feel bad for how I was and I feel really awful for having seemingly ‘turned my back’ to God the minute things went bad in my life.

Thank you for listening I just really needed to vent.

 

[Lisa4Catholics]

I have found when I start doing well and really working on my spiritual life it is like the devil throws a wrench in it.Now I get more stubborn against the atacks when I realized the devil can do NOTHING without God allowing it for the greater good.

 

[john_ennis]

And like Mother Teresa said, paraphrasing: The Bible doesn’t say anything about being successful; it says be faithful

According to many of the saints, the “feeling” of being close to God, and desirous of worshiping Him, is something we can count on LOSING at times. It is then that you’re really practicing your faith in a big way–walking that path when it’s dark and you don’t feel that God is beside you (even though he is).

Like Lisa says, recognizing this as an opportunity to thwart Satan and strengthen the Body of Christ by your faithfulness, is a real motivation.

Peace.
John

 

[Shinobu]

Thank you for your replies. Going to Mass helped me to feel quite a bit better. That and reading your replies.

Thank you

 

[springbreeze]

Dear friend

Thank God for the bumpy road, everything is blessing. You will see in hindsight the blessing of it.

You, your father, your sister and all of your family and friends remain in my prayers

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa

 

[ewee]

Hello. I just wanted to let you know that I can totally understand what you are going through. My sister has basically the same thing as far as I can tell. She is on all kinds of medication for all kinds of problems (including overdosing and junk like that). I have many wounds from her that run very deep and make it very hard for me to just be in the same room with her. But I do my best to love her. I can’t like her yet, but as long as I try to love her I figure I should be doing alright.
And as far as falling just when things feel good. I once read a saying that said something to the affect of “Be careful because just when you think you are doing well and being strong is when you are most likely to fall again.” I have found it is very true. But don’t ever dispare! Even when it feels like God isn’t there, all you have to do is go and sit in the church. Tell God that you just need him. He will be with you. This happened to me just recently, and after many tears and a lot of prayers (I like to write out my thoughts and prayers), I really did feel much better. I will be keeping you in my prayers!

 

[ElizabethJoy]

Dear Shinobu,

Unfortunately, nearly all people with bi-polar disorder will refuse to take their meds at least once early on - and usually several times - before they realize that the meds are what is making them able to live and function in a way that everyone outside them sees as “normal.” They can live in a terribly frightening world; even when the swings between mania and depression do not appear from the outside to be profound, the person can be suffering horribly.

They take their meds for a while and feel as if they’re cured and so quit taking them and soon find themselves back in the same cycling from mood to mood as before.

The type of medication can be a hindrance, as well - it make take a dozen or more trials to find the right combination of doses to relieve the swings without making the person a zombie. That’s the biggest complaint from people with BPD - that the meds make them feel “nothing.”

Sometimes it’s because the dose is too strong or weak or the medications aren’t of quite the right combination . But sometimes it’s because after the tremendous assault of emotions they are accustomed to feeling, it is difficult for them to appreciate the quiet emotions. What to us is quiet contentment is “numbness,” and they attribute what they sense as a loss of emotion to the drug(s).

It seems to me that it’s easier for women BPD’s to get used to the changes, for some reason, but you may yet have some very difficult times ahead of you. Your sister needs a counselor who can explain what she will be going through and will understand the anger that will occur when the meds seem to (or actually DO) rob her of her personality. She will need encouragement to stay with it, even if it takes many tries. She will need a lot of positive reinforcement and understanding of her condition. She’s still new to it, yet so that may be a while in coming.

And here’s something you probably already know from listening to EWTN. The same thing comes up frequently in everything I hear and everything I read and that is this, just as you described it - as soon as we put on a spiritual “growth spurt,” things seem to fall apart.

It’s as if we’re pulled and stretched to fit our new understanding. It seems that this is the way in which our understanding becomes part of us - not just a theoretical knowledge, but a transformation of our hearts takes place. Another conversion! And isn’t that a wonderful thing? We’re being tempered and strengthened in God’s own forge!

Silly story - I had to laugh at myself this morning - I’ve just started morning dedication prayer recently - before my feet hit the floor, I’m praying. So, today I offered my day to God - success and failure, happiness and sadness and ask for His blessings as I work. And within a minute, I was already grouchy and unloving toward my dear husband! I just shook my head and said to myself, “You JUST NOW gave everything to God and ask His blessing and here’s the first thing you offer Him? A grouchy disposition over something silly?” (See, I’m still in the little trials phase. Heaven help me when I get to the big trials!)

To be honest, I haven’t gotten much good at seeing trials as blessings while I’m in the middle of them - but I often recognize after the fact what a wonderful thing something that stretched me really was. I hope that you will find this “falling apart” to have been a blessing, soon, too - and I’m glad you found comfort in the mass.

Elizabeth

 

[Shinobu]

Thank you all very much for your prayers! They are very much appreciated.

Elizabeth that is a silly and nice story, one which I can totally relate. I wake up in the morning and go “Today I will try to do my best to please God” and I go thru the same grumpy disposition that you probably did to your Husband. I will make sure to keep you all in my prayers as well.

I talked to my Grandmother the other day about my Sister and so my Grandmother was going to talk to her about starting her medication again. My Sister is afraid of gaining weight from the medication and she said to me she wanted to “deal with it on her own”. I believe the medication she was put on is Lexapro.

Thank you again for your kindness

 

[Bootoo]

Shinobu,

I think that you are doing great, compared to me, at least. I think that the road of faith is a bumpy one, at best, for a lot of us. I have run the whole gamut from being born and raised Catholic, to only being in a church a handful of times in ten years, to attending Mass regularly and joining a Parish, to starting to fall off again. Since the death of John Paul II, I have been struggling harder than I ever have in my life to be a good Catholic. And I have been doing better than I ever thought I could, although I am still not always successful. Lately when I say my nightly prayers, I thank God for letting me struggle with my faith. In these last months, it has become clear to me that faith, for me, will never be a smooth or easy road, and I can accept that. And I thank God for letting me struggle, because I think, for me, the choices are to struggle down a bumpy road, or to fall away all together. And there is really nothing wrong with struggling down a bumpy road, as long as we are trying, and heading in the right direction.

To make an analogy, I have just come back to LA from my hometown in Wisconsin. For the first time in many years, I took something of a “road trip”, driving for three hours down a truly bumpy two-lane highway, which I am not used to, just to spend two hours having lunch with a childhood friend that I had not seen in 20 years. Was it worth it? You bet!! Did the bumpy three hour drive down the 2-lane highway detract from the outcome? Not on your life! In fact, I enjoyed the bumpy and slow drive, and looking at the cows and barns and all of the mundane things I had forgotten about. Maybe slow and bumpy is good sometimes, because we see the things we forget if we are always going 65 down the freeway.

Just my thoughts, here. You’re doing great! Keep on keeping on.