Honesty vs disrespect

[mega1]

Many of you know my story on here, but I have a question about my son.

He’s 8. Overall he’s a good kid. Often asks for alone time for just me and him. I know he loves me.

However I just learned I have to work on Monday and can not go on a trip with him and his dad to see his family. (Prob a blessing).

So I was teasing my son and said aren’t you going to miss me? He answered “maybe a little, but not very much”. I told him that wasn’t nice. He just said sorry but it is the truth.

I wondered what to say to that?

Then about a minute later he told me he didn’t like my voice and it gave him a headache.

I was really sad when I heard this stuff…, but if he’s being honest, I don’t want to deny him that.

How should I deal with this? And is it common for an 8 year old to say these things?

 

[mommamaree]

I am going to be completely honest here, because I think that, although upsetting, you need to consider this. I think, based upon this and other things you have shared that your son has said or done, that he is imitating his father. Your husband is emotionally (verbally) abusive of you, as well as incredibly manipulative. Your son witnesses this behavior from him, and he observes that you either tolerate or, if you say anything to stand up for yourself, that you later waffle on it and feel bad about defending yourself. He must be so confused. It might appear to him, at this point, that this is how you are to be treated. This is likely to continue and escalate, if you don’t address it. It is NOT normal behavior for a child of any age to behave that way toward their mother, but it is completely to be expected given your husband’s behavior and your toleration of it.

 

[FrenzyJen]

The first one seems entirely reasonable. You asked.

The second one maybe you should have told him to find a nicer way to say that.

It’s hard for children to find polite responses that are also truthful. I’d say for now, encourage the honesty, but help him to consider other people’s feelings and find nicer ways of wording things.

 

[St_Francis]

When my children were really little, if they hit someone or grabbed a toy, I said,“How would you feel if someone did that to you?”

And when they were older, like 8 , I would have to say, “How would you feel if someone said that to you?” or “… about you?” We are parents: it is our job to *teach *our children. If your son is the type of child who will say that he wouldn’t care, then just tell him that and send him off to think about it. If he has a friend he cares about, ask your son how he’d feel if someone else said that to his friend, or ask him if he would say that to his friend or his father or grandparent–anyone your son loves and respects.

And it may be that he will tell you that others say stuff like that. In that case, the thing to do is to point out that it still hurts, that it’s a shame that person doesn’t know how to behave better, and (very important!!!) that person needs prayer, then you and your son can say a prayer for that poor person who doesn’t know better, who hasn’t had your son’s advantages.

This comes from “from those to whom much is given, much is expected.” Your son has had certain advantages–these are gifts and don’t make him better than others, in fact it means he should try to help them and the best way to do that is to pray for them and to thank God for giving him so much.

 

[grasscutter]

Ummm…wait! Your husband and son are going on a trip on Monday to visit his parents?!? Call in sick (or ask for emergency family leave) and accompany them!!! Seriously, the way your son spoke to you is the least of the things you should be concerned about right now.

 

[mega1]

Honestly, this trip was more from my encouragement than anything. My husband did not orchestrate this. My therapist suggested that I try to have some time away from my husband’s emotional manipulation and I thought this would be the healthiest way to deal with that.

Husband actually didn’t want to go without me. But I need the space. He just thinks it is only because of work, but it isn’t.

 

[EasterJoy]

Something that works with my kids is “let’s do this over.”

Say: first off, if i’m really honest, I was fishing for a compliment and yet I asxxx you.ked if as if it were an honest question. You gave me an honest answer, and I told you were rude. That was kind of a naughty thing to do. Sorry about that. Might we try again?

Then tell him you were fishing for a compliment because you knew you’d miss him and, you guess, deep indide you were worried he wouldn’t miss you. The truth is, it is really just fine if he can enjoy himself without you.

Then tell him that sometime the two of you will talk about how to spot it when people do this, and how to handle it, but for now you think it is best for him to just forget it and have s nice time while you’re apart, and you’ll look forward to hearing about it when you see him.

 

[mega1]

We’ll the hard part is if I said something like that at his age my parents probably would have spanked me or sent me to my room. I was raised in a very volatile family dynamic. So, now I struggle w not being the opposite…

It is a constant worry on my end and also knowing my son is watching his dad too… Who can also be difficult.

I told my son “how would you feel if…I said that” And he said “sad” … I think he understood.

I also see what mommame is saying… I am scared of the impact of my marriage on our son.

 

[Mayita30]

Being tactless does not equal to being honest. I think this should be corrected.

 

[1ke]

So I was teasing my son

Mega, I have read a number of your posts where you say this. You “tease” him in this way quite frequently.

You need to stop it. This is YOUR insecurity coming out and it is not teasing, it is passive agressive behavior. Stop doing this. Stop looking for affirmation from your 8 year old.

Talk to your therapist about this. It is very bad for your son to be on the receiving end of these passive agressive manipulative comments of yours.

and said aren’t you going to miss me?

Stop doing this. Stop trying to manipulate your son into affection and responses you want from him. He’s messed up enough as it is. You have to change the dynamic. You are the adult, you should not be seeking affirmation through “teasing” comments to your son- they aren’t teasing,they are FISHING on your part.

a little, but not very much".

He is trying to protect himself emotionally the best he can.

How should I deal with this? And is it common for an 8 year old to say these things?

Stop being passive aggressive with your son and talk to your therapist about this immediately.

 

[cheese_sdc]

And is it common for an 8 year old to say these things?

I’m separated and headed to a divorce. My 8 year old daughter stays with me every other weekend and at one point she missed her mom so much she cried and cried.

I was trying to comfort her and she says “I don’t miss you when I’m with mom!” So yeah, they do say things like that. And it did hurt.

My response was, “Hey, I’m glad you said that. You can always be honest with what you feel.”

If you want your kids to be honest, you have to let them be honest.

 

[mega1]

Very good points. I will keep my mouth shut in the future. I don’t want to cause emotional turmoil to him…

Thanks for the advice.

Mega, I have read a number of your posts where you say this. You “tease” him in this way quite frequently.

You need to stop it. This is YOUR insecurity coming out and it is not teasing, it is passive agressive behavior. Stop doing this. Stop looking for affirmation from your 8 year old.

Talk to your therapist about this. It is very bad for your son to be on the receiving end of these passive agressive manipulative comments of yours.

Stop doing this. Stop trying to manipulate your son into affection and responses you want from him. He’s messed up enough as it is. You have to change the dynamic. You are the adult, you should not be seeking affirmation through “teasing” comments to your son- they aren’t teasing,they are FISHING on your part.

He is trying to protect himself emotionally the best he can.

Stop being passive aggressive with your son and talk to your therapist about this immediately.