Honor thy in-laws?

[stayathomemom]

I guess this can be a continuation of my previous thread “My inlaws- need advice.” I have horrible inlaws. My mother in law mailed me a 28 page letter this past Thursday pretty much telling me that I neglect my children , I am an embarrasment to her family , I am not good enough for her son , and I am “not so special.” And then she tells me that she has no problems with me and that she loves me.) I can’t take her anymore and neither can my husband. We actually wrote down a list of boundaries a few months ago and gave it to both of them (MIL and FIL) to try to better the relationship so they would know their limits with us (the boundaries were VERY reasonable). They responded back and said that “families that love each other have no boundaries and they stick together.” These people irritate the living daylights out of me. I have invited these people over 5 times all together since the big blowout at my son’s baptism in May, and MIL refuses to come because things aren’t going her way. My husband has written his parents back(the letter will be mailed tomorrow) and told her that he is done with her if she won’t accept me as part of the family he wants nothing to do with her. She also sent my husband a seperate letter in the same brown envelope as mine telling him that she should have let his older brother beat him up more when he was little…because maybe he would have turned out to be a better person. (Way to go MOM :thumbsup:That will really help the relationship ) How hateful is that? Are we wrong or mortally sinning for cutting these hateful people out of our lives to look out for our little family (kids)? Any advice is appreciated.

 

[Della]

You don’t have to put up with abusive people just because they are related to you and your family. If they are poisonous to you and your family then you have every right to keep them away from you. I think you and your husband have been extremely patient with them, which they obviously can’t understand or accept, so do what you have to do to keep you and your family from being harassed by these people. You have my prayers.

 

[stayathomemom]

Della:

You don’t have to put up with abusive people just because they are related to you and your family. If they are poisonous to you and your family then you have every right to keep them away from you. I think you and your husband have been extremely patient with them, which they obviously can’t understand or accept, so do what you have to do to keep you and your family from being harassed by these people. You have my prayers.

Thank you ma’am. We definitely need the prayers. MIL had never written me a letter up until Thursday, and everytime she has pulled her stunts in the past, it was her word against mine. She PROVED in her letter what I have said all along. And can you believe she didn’t even keep a copy of her nasty letters for herself? I don’t understand what it is about SOME MIL’s these days. I know there are some good one’s out there, but why do alot seem to think they can boss their DIL around. I don’t ever remember either of my grandmothers doing that to my parents. Maybe my generation of grandmothers will have learned from the bad MIL and set a new trend. I don’t know, but MY mil has taught me alot and I will do my best to get along with all of my inlaws - like them or not!!

 

[JGheen]

I agree with a previous poster, you don’t have to allow abuse. Even if this was your own mother acting this way, you don’t have to let her disrespect you. You should act lovingly towards her when you see her, but you can also certainly distance yourself and avoid seeing her.

You are in my prayers. Despite the bad situation, you are united with your husband and I rejoice in that.

My MIL is not as openly horrible as yours, though she did tell my DH not to marry me because I would “dishonor the family name”. Unfortunately, my husband is a momma’s boy and won’t acknowledge any faults in his family. This makes it impossible for me to separate myself from them or set boundaries. And it makes me even madder about everything . . .

 

[smartblkchick]

Your MIL is off her nut! Arguing with a crazy person is like arguing with an alcoholic–the crazy person or alcoholic has and excuse, what’s yours?

I think you have been more than reasonable with this person. Cut her off until she seeks professional help!

 

[LSK]

When my husband and I got engaged, his ex-wife was fine until the papers for the annullment arrived at her door. She was no longer a practicing Catholic but was furious that he was seeking an annullment.

Anyway she did a similar thing to me - sent me a 30 page letter outlining all his faults and mine and tell me the big mistake we were making. I zeroxed a copy so we could use it as part of the evidence of her mental instability. Then, I took a bright red pen, corrected all the spelling and grammar, graded it and sent it back to her.

She backed off, the annullment went through and so did our marriage.

I don’t see why you and your husband couldn’t do the same thing…get a red pen, grade all her spelling and grammar. Give her a grade - and the two of you send her back a copy.

 

[mercygate]

stayathomemom:

Thank you ma’am. We definitely need the prayers. MIL had never written me a letter up until Thursday, and everytime she has pulled her stunts in the past, it was her word against mine. She PROVED in her letter what I have said all along. And can you believe she didn’t even keep a copy of her nasty letters for herself? I don’t understand what it is about SOME MIL’s these days. I know there are some good one’s out there, but why do alot seem to think they can boss their DIL around. I don’t ever remember either of my grandmothers doing that to my parents. Maybe my generation of grandmothers will have learned from the bad MIL and set a new trend. I don’t know, but MY mil has taught me alot and I will do my best to get along with all of my inlaws - like them or not!!

Keep that letter in a fireproof vault or in the bank. You may need to use it in front of a judge one day.

Do not grade it and send it back.

 

[stayathomemom]

smartblkchick:

Your MIL is off her nut! Arguing with a crazy person is like arguing with an alcoholic–the crazy person or alcoholic has and excuse, what’s yours?

I think you have been more than reasonable with this person. Cut her off until she seeks professional help!

My excuse - Hmmm? You have asked me a very good question. My excuse at one point was because we actually thought “reasoning” with these people would help. I was WRONG. Then I was blackmailed (by the IL) with “my children would hate me if I didn’t keep their grandparents in their lives.” After getting advice from many people and my friends here, they made me realize that I am hurting them more by keeping their grandparents in their lives. I never had “proof” other than my husband seeing and hearing her act and talk to me the way that she does, but now I have 28 pages of her nasty thoughts towards me and her own son. Now I know my children won’t hate us becasue what we say is on paper. You can’t deny that. Thanks for straightening me out and making me realize that I am just as crazy for arguing with a crazy person.

 

[stayathomemom]

LSK:

When my husband and I got engaged, his ex-wife was fine until the papers for the annullment arrived at her door. She was no longer a practicing Catholic but was furious that he was seeking an annullment.

Anyway she did a similar thing to me - sent me a 30 page letter outlining all his faults and mine and tell me the big mistake we were making. I zeroxed a copy so we could use it as part of the evidence of her mental instability. Then, I took a bright red pen, corrected all the spelling and grammar, graded it and sent it back to her.

She backed off, the annullment went through and so did our marriage.

I don’t see why you and your husband couldn’t do the same thing…get a red pen, grade all her spelling and grammar. Give her a grade - and the two of you send her back a copy.

Oh, trust me if I graded it “grade school wise” she would get a big fat “F” for spelling and grammar. If I graded it to be sarcastic and act like her she would get a “C” for CRAZY!! I typed a response back to her, but I will not mail it at all because I feel that I am not acting any better by arguing with her. SMARTBLKCHICK made me realize that. The response was typed to vent and I never had intentions of ever mailing it. I just felt better getting it off of my chest. I will leave her alone however, since it is apparent that is how she wants it. My husband has told his parents time and time again that no relationship between them will exist without me. I guess he needs to show him how serious he is. I just feel like I am in the middle and the cause of the friction (which I know I am not, but they tell everyone I am.) Oh well…Thanks

 

[stayathomemom]

mercygate:

Keep that letter in a fireproof vault or in the bank. You may need to use it in front of a judge one day.

Do not grade it and send it back.

Good Advice – We have done that about 2 years ago legally with a will; we had a will done to protect the children should something happen to us or my husband. My husband has even written a letter to a “judge” should I ever need it with his request that his parents NEVER get our children or be left alone with them (they have threatened us with “grandparents rights.” He has also stated why we have chosen my brother as their guardian should something happen to both of us. No judge in his right mind would give them visitation rights after she told her son that “she should have let his older brother beat him more.” My parents and brother (who will get the children) both have copies of the legal papers and letters should my house burn down or get robbed. I do think of EVERYTHING. May I suggest that everyone get a will done - it’s worth the peace of mind.

 

[mercygate]

stayathomemom:

Good Advice – We have done that about 2 years ago legally with a will; we had a will done to protect the children should something happen to us or my husband. My husband has even written a letter to a “judge” should I ever need it with his request that his parents NEVER get our children or be left alone with them (they have threatened us with “grandparents rights.” He has also stated why we have chosen my brother as their guardian should something happen to both of us. No judge in his right mind would give them visitation rights after she told her son that “she should have let his older brother beat him more.” My parents and brother (who will get the children) both have copies of the legal papers and letters should my house burn down or get robbed. I do think of EVERYTHING. May I suggest that everyone get a will done - it’s worth the peace of mind.

Good girl!

For reasons unlike your own, we specified that another relative and not my husband’s grandparents would be our daughter’s guardian should anything happen to us. The tantrum they threw when they found out amply confirmed the wisdom of our decision. We, and our daughter, have been considerably disenfranchised from their not inconsiderable estate as a result of this unspeakable insult. Small price to pay!

 

[stayathomemom]

mercygate:

Good girl!

For reasons unlike your own, we specified that another relative and not my husband’s grandparents would be our daughter’s guardian should anything happen to us. The tantrum they threw when they found out amply confirmed the wisdom of our decision. We, and our daughter, have been considerably disenfranchised from their not inconsiderable estate as a result of this unspeakable insult. Small price to pay!

Here’s the funny part about our will…His parents know nothing about it and will not unless it is ever needed. If it is ever needed, I want them to be blind sided in court - and have no idea it ever existed. Can you imagine that your son is gone and his last thoughts on paper are that he doesn’t want you involved in his children’s lives? They deserve what they get from where we see it. I hate to sound mean, but WE feel we were pushed too far.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

LSK:

When my husband and I got engaged, his ex-wife was fine until the papers for the annullment arrived at her door. She was no longer a practicing Catholic but was furious that he was seeking an annullment.

Anyway she did a similar thing to me - sent me a 30 page letter outlining all his faults and mine and tell me the big mistake we were making. I zeroxed a copy so we could use it as part of the evidence of her mental instability. Then, I took a bright red pen, corrected all the spelling and grammar, graded it and sent it back to her.

She backed off, the annullment went through and so did our marriage.

I don’t see why you and your husband couldn’t do the same thing…get a red pen, grade all her spelling and grammar. Give her a grade - and the two of you send her back a copy.

Oh Leslie, I love this better than the Jesus box!

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

stayathomemom:

Good Advice – (they have threatened us with “grandparents rights.”

Grandparents’ rights are limited when the two parties of the marriage are still married and making decisions for the kids. In most cases, grandparents also have to prove they had a relationship with the child(ren) and then were suddenly shut out, such as in the case of a divorce or death of one spouse. These two sound as if they wouldn’t be anybody’s choice for Grandparents of the Year.

 

[stayathomemom]

OutinChgoburbs:

These two sound as if they wouldn’t be anybody’s choice for Grandparents of the Year.

Oh if you only knew!!!

 

[puzzleannie]

stayathomemom:

I Any advice is appreciated.

save these letters for evidence should she attempt any legal action against either of you in the future, or for her commitment hearing. I am not joking, she sounds seriously disturbed based on your previous posts. Also both of you resolve to pray together for her every day, with your children.