Honor thy mother after death?

[pmoo]

I am faced with a dilemma. My mother died two years ago; about a year before her death, she entered a nursing home. Her nursing care used up all the money she had.

Anyway, I just learned that several years before she developed dementia, she wrote a will and left everything to my middle sister. My oldest sister and I are so dumbfounded. It’s a moot point since she had nothing at death. However, my anger and shock are not because I received nothing. I just cannot fathom why her desire was to give everything to just one sister. To have no desire to leave anything to her oldest and youngest child is unfathomable to me. Usually, it’s because of horrible relationships.

My oldest sister and I had good relationships with her, or so we thought. I lived about 10 minutes away at the time she signed the will. I helped her often with things like mowing the lawn, etc.

Here’s my concern. I have just discovered this and feel betrayed and angry. Am I dishonoring my mother and is it possible to dishonor a parent after he/she is gone?

 

[PhilotheaZ]

You can’t begin to know your mother’s motivations. Perhaps she thought your middle sister was the most needy. Perhaps she thought your older sister and you are more capable of providing for yourselves. Perhaps it was for a silly sentimental reason, or because of a misunderstanding. Even if it was for the wrong reasons, now that she has met God and faced her final judgment she is probably aware of any possible error on her part, and hopefully she regrets any possible wrongdoing and has been purified.

In any case, you need to try to forgive.

Feelings are unreliable. “Feeling” betrayed and angry may be beyond your complete control, although you can try to reject those feelings when they do arise. If you are able to pray for your mother, to desire the best for her (which is to desire that she is enjoying eternal life with God), you are well on your way to forgiveness.

Ask Christ to give you His peace. And certainly do not try to make matters worse by talking about it unnecessarily, painting your mother in a bad light, etc. (you are probably not doing these things, this is only a precaution).

May God console you.

 

[Chatter163]

Sorry to hear this.

 

[True_Believer_1]

You will not know the “why” of this question until you yourself pass on, and then I have a feeling that it really won’t matter to you anymore.

Anyway, I believe that the commandment is “Honor Thy Mother and Thy Father”, not honor them when you agree with what they do, nor is it to just honor them when you feel like it.

We are One Church, the living and the dead. We believe in the Communion of Saints, a very real and direct link between the Church Militant and the Church Triumphant. Therefore, honoring our parents does, I believe, carry on into the next world.

I understand that you are hurt. That is natural. Try to pray through this and I will pray for you also.

May the Good Lord Bless You and Keep You and May you have the Love of the Blessed Mother in Your Heart and the Steel of the Holy Spirit in your Spine.

NOT JUST STRONG…CATHOLIC STRONG!!!

 

[Sr_Sally]

You can’t begin to know your mother’s motivations. Perhaps she thought your middle sister was the most needy. Perhaps she thought your older sister and you are more capable of providing for yourselves. Perhaps it was for a silly sentimental reason, or because of a misunderstanding. Even if it was for the wrong reasons, now that she has met God and faced her final judgment she is probably aware of any possible error on her part, and hopefully she regrets any possible wrongdoing and has been purified.

In any case, you need to try to forgive.

Feelings are unreliable. “Feeling” betrayed and angry may be beyond your complete control, although you can try to reject those feelings when they do arise. If you are able to pray for your mother, to desire the best for her (which is to desire that she is enjoying eternal life with God), you are well on your way to forgiveness.

Ask Christ to give you His peace. And certainly do not try to make matters worse by talking about it unnecessarily, painting your mother in a bad light, etc. (you are probably not doing these things, this is only a precaution).

May God console you.

This is excellent advice. I also want to urge you to be cautious about discussing this and rehashing motivations, etc. If your sisters come to you wanting to discuss, just say that it is water under the bridge and change the discussion. Please don’t allow this to color your feelings toward your middle sister or her family.

If possible, see if you can gain a plenary indulgence and ask Mary and Jesus to dispense those graces on your Mother.

 

[IrishAm]

Please comfort yourself with know that a person may well already be suffering from dementia several years before showing the outward signs. The person who wrote that will may not have had full reasoning powers.

 

[pmoo]

This is excellent advice. I also want to urge you to be cautious about discussing this and rehashing motivations, etc. If your sisters come to you wanting to discuss, just say that it is water under the bridge and change the discussion. Please don’t allow this to color your feelings toward your middle sister or her family.

If possible, see if you can gain a plenary indulgence and ask Mary and Jesus to dispense those graces on your Mother.

I know that is what I must do. My oldest sister and I will email each other about it because this was only one thing that happened…many other instances. We forget it and our feelings until we learn even something more. I can forgive her and have…I’ve known for many years that my middle sister was the favorite and I could not change that. My problem is forgetting - but I’m trying.

 

[Florida_mom]

It is important to note that not being happy for what a parent has done that has made you angry whether or not it was justified is not the same as dishonoring them.

Dishonoring her would be condemning her for what she has done, calling her names, telling your friends how horrible she was, holding her in contempt.

Questioning the mystery of why you got left out and being angry about it is not dishonor.

Being angry so long after her death would be a sign that you are having trouble getting over it and counseling may be in order to sort through things.

If she had dementia–while she may have had some of her faculties, that may have influenced the curious nature of her will.

But please–you have human feelings and it is not dishonoring when those feelings surface. It is what you DO with the knowledge and those feelings that determines whether or not you are dishonoring them.

Being fake and sweet over something that upsets you isn’t honoring someone. It is living a lie which is dishonorable.

I agree that you should not gossip with your siblings–but if your other sibling that got left out has similar feelings, you both would do well to have some counseling.

It would be heart wrenching to be omitted from the will of a parent regardless of circumstance.

I am reminded of the closing scenes of Mommie Dearest–only she did mention the two older children and coldly included they would receive nothing for reasons they knew. IT was so heartless.

I would take comfort that if you were just omitted and there was nothing to be left to you anyway that mom just was a little dimented–and likely the middle sister was the executor. Blank wills are meaningless anyway. I suppose she could have included a shout out, but just didn’t think to do so at the time.

I anticipate that one of my parents will do something similar to me in a will b/c it would be of their nature. I am expecting it and it will still hurt when it happens, but I’m not dishonoring them. I’m going on their track record. I will just plan on more therapy visits in the months after that moment to get through my anger and then move on.

There is no such thing as forgive AND forget. There is no obligation to forget either. Just to not hold the person in contempt. Especially when that thing can’t be changed at all.

 

[pmoo]

It is important to note that not being happy for what a parent has done that has made you angry whether or not it was justified is not the same as dishonoring them.

Dishonoring her would be condemning her for what she has done, calling her names, telling your friends how horrible she was, holding her in contempt.

Questioning the mystery of why you got left out and being angry about it is not dishonor.

Being angry so long after her death would be a sign that you are having trouble getting over it and counseling may be in order to sort through things.

If she had dementia–while she may have had some of her faculties, that may have influenced the curious nature of her will.

But please–you have human feelings and it is not dishonoring when those feelings surface. It is what you DO with the knowledge and those feelings that determines whether or not you are dishonoring them.

Being fake and sweet over something that upsets you isn’t honoring someone. It is living a lie which is dishonorable.

I agree that you should not gossip with your siblings–but if your other sibling that got left out has similar feelings, you both would do well to have some counseling.

It would be heart wrenching to be omitted from the will of a parent regardless of circumstance.

I am reminded of the closing scenes of Mommie Dearest–only she did mention the two older children and coldly included they would receive nothing for reasons they knew. IT was so heartless.

I would take comfort that if you were just omitted and there was nothing to be left to you anyway that mom just was a little dimented–and likely the middle sister was the executor. Blank wills are meaningless anyway. I suppose she could have included a shout out, but just didn’t think to do so at the time.

I anticipate that one of my parents will do something similar to me in a will b/c it would be of their nature. I am expecting it and it will still hurt when it happens, but I’m not dishonoring them. I’m going on their track record. I will just plan on more therapy visits in the months after that moment to get through my anger and then move on.

There is no such thing as forgive AND forget. There is no obligation to forget either. Just to not hold the person in contempt. Especially when that thing can’t be changed at all.

Thanks so much. I am actually feeling better now - venting probably helped. My mom died two years ago, but I only learned about the will a few weeks ago. It wasn’t really the money issue as ‘what was wrong with me?’ However, as another here said, that was her decision and she has had to answer for that in the next life.

As I have always done, I will take all her mistakes and bad choices as a mother/grandmother to try and be a better mom/grandmom than she was. It helps me avoid those same mistakes she did, so I have more time to make new ones

 

[06convert]

Indeed we do not know your mother’s intentions. . So we can’t assume she meant to snub you.

Also, I don’t think you should assume she owed you anything. Despite you helping her out for years and years, part of honoring your mother was to do those things without expectation of repayment. The fact that she took care of you when you were young should essentially be prepayment for you taking care of her later in life.

Satan could very well be using this against you, trying to stir you up, make you angry and resentful. Like you said, you don’t know why, it doesn’t matter. Don’t let it get the best of you. .

Peace be with you.

 

[Musician]

I wouldn’t worry about this too much. My husband’s grandfather disinherited his wife (Grandmother) for no apparent reason. It was really strange because they were married for over 75 years. She had predeceased him so it didn’t really matter, but still we wondered about this and have never figured it out. They were devoted to each other. We just assume his mind had gone a little bit.