Honor Your Father and Mother

[JAGCath28]

I am going to speak to my priest about this…but I wanted to find out what some of you thought about this commandment.

Honor your father and mother.

I’ve had to take a different approach to this than your typical “respect your parents” interpretation. Basically, I try to live my life in a way that would bring honor to my parents. If you don’t have a good relationship with your parents is this enough to fulfill the commandment?

 

[Eucharisted]

The Catechism of the Catholic Church:

2197 The fourth commandment opens the second table of the Decalogue. It shows us the order of charity. God has willed that, after him, we should honor our parents to whom we owe life and who have handed on to us the knowledge of God. We are obliged to honor and respect all those whom God, for our good, has vested with his authority.

2198 This commandment is expressed in positive terms of duties to be fulfilled. It introduces the subsequent commandments which are concerned with particular respect for life, marriage, earthly goods, and speech. It constitutes one of the foundations of the social doctrine of the Church.

2199 The fourth commandment is addressed expressly to children in their relationship to their father and mother, because this relationship is the most universal. It likewise concerns the ties of kinship between members of the extended family. It requires honor, affection, and gratitude toward elders and ancestors. Finally, it extends to the duties of pupils to teachers, employees to employers, subordinates to leaders, citizens to their country, and to those who administer or govern it. This commandment includes and presupposes the duties of parents, instructors, teachers, leaders, magistrates, those who govern, all who exercise authority over others or over a community of persons.

2200 Observing the fourth commandment brings its reward: "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the LORD your God gives you."8 Respecting this commandment provides, along with spiritual fruits, temporal fruits of peace and prosperity. Conversely, failure to observe it brings great harm to communities and to individuals.

The duties of children

2214 The divine fatherhood is the source of human fatherhood;16 this is the foundation of the honor owed to parents. the respect of children, whether minors or adults, for their father and mother17 is nourished by the natural affection born of the bond uniting them. It is required by God’s commandment.18

2215 Respect for parents (filial piety) derives from gratitude toward those who, by the gift of life, their love and their work, have brought their children into the world and enabled them to grow in stature, wisdom, and grace. "With all your heart honor your father, and do not forget the birth pangs of your mother. Remember that through your parents you were born; what can you give back to them that equals their gift to you?"19

2216 Filial respect is shown by true docility and obedience. "My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching… When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you."20 "A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke."21

2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord."22 Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.
As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

2218 The fourth commandment reminds grown children of their responsibilities toward their parents. As much as they can, they must give them material and moral support in old age and in times of illness, loneliness, or distress. Jesus recalls this duty of gratitude.23

For the Lord honored the father above the children, and he confirmed the right of the mother over her sons. Whoever honors his father atones for sins, and whoever glorifies his mother is like one who lays up treasure. Whoever honors his father will be gladdened by his own children, and when he prays he will be heard. Whoever glorifies his father will have long life, and whoever obeys the Lord will refresh his mother.24
O son, help your father in his old age, and do not grieve him as long as he lives; even if he is lacking in understanding, show forbearance; in all your strength do not despise him… Whoever forsakes his father is like a blasphemer, and whoever angers his mother is cursed by the Lord.25

2219 Filial respect promotes harmony in all of family life; it also concerns relationships between brothers and sisters. Respect toward parents fills the home with light and warmth. "Grandchildren are the crown of the aged."26 "With all humility and meekness, with patience, [support] one another in charity."27

2220 For Christians a special gratitude is due to those from whom they have received the gift of faith, the grace of Baptism, and life in the Church. These may include parents, grandparents, other members of the family, pastors, catechists, and other teachers or friends. "I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you."28

 

[savienu]

I have always struggled with this commandment, as my relationship with my parents has always been strained, and they have been prone to emotional abuse and neglect. I have found that you can respect and honor your parents for the role they played in your life, but not approve of everything they have done. Also, once you are of adult age, obedience to them is no longer required, only honor. It does not honor someone to allow them to continue to be abusive to you, if they happen to be abusive. I think I would want to know a little more about your not having a good relationship with your parents and what that means before I could give you more advice about it.

 

[JAGCath28]

I have always struggled with this commandment, as my relationship with my parents has always been strained, and they have been prone to emotional abuse and neglect. I have found that you can respect and honor your parents for the role they played in your life, but not approve of everything they have done. Also, once you are of adult age, obedience to them is no longer required, only honor. It does not honor someone to allow them to continue to be abusive to you, if they happen to be abusive. I think I would want to know a little more about your not having a good relationship with your parents and what that means before I could give you more advice about it.

I would say that both parents (they are divorced) are prone to emotional abuse and sometimes verbal abuse, but in different ways. I believe that they are both very selfish people and put themselves before their children on most occasions. (I’m the oldest of 5 girls.) I am an adult, and managed to “get out” and make a way for myself, but my sisters are still in the college and high school so they still need parental figures. My aunts have stepped in behind the scenes to help out.

I don’t have a “good relationship” with them because I don’t trust my dad, and my mom isn’t all there anymore because of bad choices she made (and continues to make). I love them both and it hurts that I feel this way. I also am trying to be an example to my sisters so if I don’t think very highly of my parents and make that known, am I feeding into their anger? I am grateful to my mom for giving birth to all 5 of us because they are my 4 best friends. I am also grateful that my dad didn’t run out on us, but it’s the emotional and verbal abuse that overshadows those things.

 

[MarieVeronica]

I have always struggled with this commandment, as my relationship with my parents has always been strained, and they have been prone to emotional abuse and neglect.

“Sav” :console: This type of abuse can be just as bad… if not worse… than physical abuse. I will keep you in my prayers. God bless and give you comfort.

 

[samcarter14]

I struggle with this often. My parents and I do not have a good relationship; my mother (I believe) suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and my father enables her. They have shown that they would have rather I not have children at all with my husband, that they disapprove of me being a stay at home mother and wife (or as my mother calls it, “a kept woman”).

When my brother passed away, their controlling and manipulative ways were made clear. They lied and failed to keep promises, tried to undermine our parenting decisions, and refused to apologize for doing so. It was clear they weren’t safe to be around; not for my health or my marriage.

I try to live a decent, good life. I believe that will bring honor to them. But I cannot have them as active family members in my life, because they would directly oppose/undermine our attempts to bring our children up with a firm Faith. My first responsbility is to my marriage and my children.

 

[MarieVeronica]

“sam”… Ditto, what I said to “Sav”. :console:

 

[savienu]

I struggle with this often. My parents and I do not have a good relationship; my mother (I believe) suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and my father enables her. They have shown that they would have rather I not have children at all with my husband, that they disapprove of me being a stay at home mother and wife (or as my mother calls it, “a kept woman”).

When my brother passed away, their controlling and manipulative ways were made clear. They lied and failed to keep promises, tried to undermine our parenting decisions, and refused to apologize for doing so. It was clear they weren’t safe to be around; not for my health or my marriage.

I try to live a decent, good life. I believe that will bring honor to them. But I cannot have them as active family members in my life, because they would directly oppose/undermine our attempts to bring our children up with a firm Faith. My first responsbility is to my marriage and my children.

That’s how I feel, to a certain extent. Things have gotten a bit better with my parents as the years have gone on, but my mother definitely doesn’t seem to like that my DH and I want to raise our children “so Catholic.” (When I say that my son likes to play priest, my mother usually schoffs and says, "Well, you’re encouraging that, aren’t you??) I did spend a period of time not speaking to them. The priests that I talk to tend to be torn on this- some tell me I am okay to not speak to them if it means taking better care of my family, some say it wouldn’t be honoring them. So, I do my best. the best way to honor them, I think, is to pray for them.

 

[JAGCath28]

the best way to honor them, I think, is to pray for them.

Thanks Sav. I agree, but when you have to interact with them it is sometimes hard to know how to do it without being disrespectful. :juggle:

 

[savienu]

Thanks Sav. I agree, but when you have to interact with them it is sometimes hard to know how to do it without being disrespectful. :juggle:

I agree. It is very challenging, especially when it seems they are deliberately pushing you to be uncharitable.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

This commandment is a lot different for adults, particularly married adults, than it is for children under 18 years of age. From the Catechism:

usccb.org/catechism/text/pt3sect2chpt2.shtml#art4

The conjugal community is established upon the consent of the spouses. Marriage and the family are ordered to the good of the spouses and to the procreation and education of children. The love of the spouses and the begetting of children create among members of the same family personal relationships and primordial responsibilities.

2202 A man and a woman united in marriage, together with their children, form a family. This institution is prior to any recognition by public authority, which has an obligation to recognize it. It should be considered the normal reference point by which the different forms of family relationship are to be evaluated.

2203 In creating man and woman, God instituted the human family and endowed it with its fundamental constitution. Its members are persons equal in dignity. For the common good of its members and of society, the family necessarily has manifold responsibilities, rights, and duties.
As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord."22 Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.

2222 Parents must regard their children as children of God and respect them as human persons. Showing themselves obedient to the will of the Father in heaven, they educate their children to fulfill God’s law.

2228 Parents’ respect and affection are expressed by the care and attention they devote to bringing up their young children and providing for their physical and spiritual needs. As the children grow up, the same respect and devotion lead parents to educate them in the right use of their reason and freedom.

2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel.** Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse.** This necessary restraint does not prevent them—quite the contrary—from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.

 

[mleonetti1991]

I have a question concerning going to church independently.

I go to temple university, and the Newman center is located on broad street.

The first time I went there was when I was in my freshman year, and unfortunately, complications arose when I was stopped by someone who was lowest class and needed money…I gave in and gave him more than I should have. My mom found out (I was nineteen then), and i should have been more careful when going there. As a result, my mom told me to never go there again.

That was two years ago. But these past semesters ( summer 1 and fall 2012) I stayed frequenting there again for confession, adoration, spiritual direction (I suffer from scrupulousity) and made friends who are grounded in the faith that are commuters like myself, and I became more careful about my surroundings and want onto broad street from a different direction that is closer to the church. I feel that now that I more responsible than before, and feel three need to go to a catholic church affiliated with my campus, for the good of my soul and to aocialize better (I am in my junior year), I feel like I should, if it is not disobedient and arrogant (prideful), to go there. Because going there has helped me with my faith, and helps me to have devotion to god during my semester.

Since I commute, I ciuld go to my parish when I am able to, but if I have a need or a desire to go to the Newman center, should I be able to do that, and make the choice?

 

[mleonetti1991]

I have a question concerning going to church independently.

I go to temple university, and the Newman center is located on broad street.

The first time I went there was when I was in my freshman year, and unfortunately, complications arose when I was stopped by someone who was lowest class and needed money…I gave in and gave him more than I should have. My mom found out (I was nineteen then), and i should have been more careful when going there. As a result, my mom told me to never go there again.

That was two years ago. But these past semesters ( summer 1 and fall 2012) I stayed frequenting there again for confession, adoration, spiritual direction (I suffer from scrupulousity) and made friends who are grounded in the faith that are commuters like myself, and I became more careful about my surroundings and want onto broad street from a different direction that is closer to the church. I feel that now that I more responsible than before, and feel three need to go to a catholic church affiliated with my campus, for the good of my soul and to aocialize better (I am in my junior year), I feel like I should, if it is not disobedient and arrogant (prideful), to go there. Because going there has helped me with my faith, and helps me to have devotion to god during my semester.

Since I commute, I ciuld go to my parish when I am able to, but if I have a need or a desire to go to the Newman center, should I be able to do that, and make the choice?