Honor your mother and father

[Catholic_Wife]

I love THIS WEBSITE because it has a great list of venial sins to think about when doing an examination of conscience.

Recently I’ve had trouble with the Fourth Commandment: Honor your mother and father. My parents and brother aren’t Christian, let alone Catholic (I converted more than 20 years ago). My parents and brother have ‘boundary issues’, which is a nice way of saying they like to still try to tell me what to do and ‘disown’ me (not talk to me for months to years) whenever I do something that they don’t like. It’s been a little over a month since they ‘disowned’ me again; and so far I’ve sent my mom flowers for her birthday, my dad a get-well card (I learned from another family member that he had surgery), and will send my parents an anniversary card next month. I’m tired of making the effort when it doesn’t do any good since nothing I say or do will get the to talk to me until they are good and ready.

Am I guilty of the sin of "not trying to cultivate peace in the family" if I choose not to reach out to my family any more? I’ve been through this cycle of being disowned a half-dozen times in my adult life, and all I have to show for it is an anxiety disorder and low self-esteem. Am I allowed to just walk away from my family and their manipulative and emotionally abusive ways and not try to ‘make up’?

 

[Newbie2]

I love THIS WEBSITE because it has a great list of venial sins to think about when doing an examination of conscience.

Recently I’ve had trouble with the Fourth Commandment: Honor your mother and father. My parents and brother aren’t Christian, let alone Catholic (I converted more than 20 years ago). My parents and brother have ‘boundary issues’, which is a nice way of saying they like to still try to tell me what to do and ‘disown’ me (not talk to me for months to years) whenever I do something that they don’t like. It’s been a little over a month since they ‘disowned’ me again; and so far I’ve sent my mom flowers for her birthday, my dad a get-well card (I learned from another family member that he had surgery), and will send my parents an anniversary card next month. I’m tired of making the effort when it doesn’t do any good since nothing I say or do will get the to talk to me until they are good and ready.

Am I guilty of the sin of "not trying to cultivate peace in the family" if I choose not to reach out to my family any more? I’ve been through this cycle of being disowned a half-dozen times in my adult life, and all I have to show for it is an anxiety disorder and low self-esteem. Am I allowed to just walk away from my family and their manipulative and emotionally abusive ways and not try to ‘make up’?

I beg to differ; you’re showing charity to the uncharitable, and that is good! But I do understand your meaning and your frustration.

Only you can decide when enough is enough. The Almighty expects that we will do our best to respect and honor our parents but does not expect that we will serve as their doormats.

I don’t know if you’ve already done so, but have you looked into speaking with a good Catholic counselor? Not necessarily to see how to repair your family relations, but how to deal yourself with the past emotional abuse.

Don’t forget that you can love and honor them simply by praying for them daily.

 

[JohnDamian]

I point out to you here the work of St. Monica.

For years she laboured in what seemed like vain for her son Augustine; praying for him and so forth. It was not until many years of hard work had passed that her Son finally saw the light; because of her patience and charity and converted to Christianity.

St Augustine is now one of the thirty three Saints who are Doctors of the Church (teachers of the Faith).

The reality is; no matter how abusive and cruel your family members are; it is nice to send them a Christmas Card and keep them in your prayers. You may not see the effects straight away; but in time it is certainly the case; you may well reap your reward.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Am I guilty of the sin of "not trying to cultivate peace in the family" if I choose not to reach out to my family any more? I’ve been through this cycle of being disowned a half-dozen times in my adult life, and all I have to show for it is an anxiety disorder and low self-esteem. Am I allowed to just walk away from my family and their manipulative and emotionally abusive ways and not try to ‘make up’?

I had a friend who I would catch up with a couple of times a year. Eventually I noticed that over a period of about 5 years it had always been me initiating the “catch up” - that it had never been initiated by him. So I decided to stop contacting him, and sure enough, 5 years later I haven’t heard from him. I’m a bit hurt, but at least we are not pretending anymore that there’s a mutual friendship.

Obviously, family are a different matter, and we have a much bigger commitment, and more to lose from a breakdown, but I think the principle is the same. One cannot maintain a friendship, or even a family bond, with prolonged, one way, effort. I personally don’t think it is sinful to stop reaching out if it is never reciprocated - just so long as one is avoids any temptation to use silence as “vengeance” now, or in the future.